Circumcision...

There are few things in my life that I am very passionate about. Breastfeeding, attatchment parenting and circumcision.

I was wandering around Mothering.commune today and finally came across the Penn and Teller Circ episode. I watched the half and hour program, I cried for the poor baby boys that were having parts of their bodies sliced off against their wills. I was checking out some other sites and some of the quotes on this one site http://www.sexuallymutilatedchild.org/ just cut me to the core.

In Memory of the Sexually Mutilated Child

In memory of all the children throughout history who have died at the hands of sexual mutilators; and in memory of those who almost died, those who wanted to die, and those who wished they had died; and in memory of those who never knew that a sexual mutilator killed a beautiful, wondrous, irreplaceable part of them.


"What happens to you here is forever." "Through lack of understanding they remained sane." George Orwell, 1984

"Mutilation ... implies the cutting off or removal
of a part essential to completeness, not only of a
person but also of a thing, and to his or its perfection,
beauty, entirety, or fulfillment of function."
Webster's Dictionary of Synonyms
Springfield, Massachusetts: G. & C. Merriam Company, 1968

"A piece of skin the size of a quarter
contains more than three million cells, 12
feet of nerves, 100 sweat glands, 50 nerve
endings, and almost three feet of blood vessels."
The Human Connection
Ashley Montagu and Floyd Matson
McGraw-Hill, 1979

"Custom will reconcile people to any atrocity."
George Bernard Shaw

"There's something deranged about anyone who persists in
circumcising babies after being confronted with the facts."

"Carving, crushing, burning, and slicing a baby's penis,
reducing it to gore, getting his hands covered with penis
blood, and filling his ears with shrieks and screams of agony
and terror are the potent drug cocktail the serial circumciser
needs to make himself feel alive."

"I was never to see those beautiful,
mystic, Leboyer newborn-baby smiles again."
Rosemary Romberg, after the circumcision of her third son, eight days old

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you talk me out of it? Why didn't someone stop me?" Mother and health care provider after watching a video about circumcision after her son had been circumcised

"It's absolutely horrible. I didn't know how horrific it
was going to be. It was the most gruesome thing I have
ever seen in my life. I told the doctor as soon as he was
done, if I had a gun I would have killed him."
Melissa Morrison, seven months after watching the circumcision of her baby son "The psychological impact of circumcision," by R. Goldman

"I'm sobbing. The baby's screaming. The doctor's cutting.
There's blood everywhere. And the doctor looked into my
face and said, 'There's no medical reason for doing this.'"
Marilyn Milos, RN, Executive Director, NOCIRC

"Circumcision meets the legal definition of sexual assault and child abuse."

Violating the Golden Rule -- George C. Denniston, MD
"I clearly violated, all in one instant, the Golden Rule (I certainly would not have wanted that done to me); the major tenet of medical practice, First, Do No Harm; and all seven
Principles of the American Medical Association's Code of Ethics."

Foreword to Circumcision Exposed -- Paul M. Fleiss, MD
"I now know that every baby I circumcised cried and that I never responded to their pain ... I then decided I was on their side; my job was to protect babies, not harm them."

Excuse me now... I have to go snuggle my very perfect, very whole little baby boy. And cry for the millions and millions of boys that have had this horrid atrocity done to them. *tears*

And another day draws to a close...

I got approximately one hour of sleep last night. Jeff brough me home a large iced cap last night at around 10 pm. I finally fell asleep at 4:30 this morning!!! For about... 10 minutes. Then I got maybe another 45 minutes at around 5? Then Phoenix was up until 9am which was when Olivia got up for the day. Oh well. I survived. I'm sooo tired though. Phoenix just went to bed about 20 minutes ago and I'm soon going to going him.

Olivia played with her paper horses, played Bob the Builder with Princess bear, played games with me on the computer. She had some leftover chicken noodle soup and fresh bread for lunch and then we were off to get Madeline.

Madeline had a wonderful play date today! We got together at Caitlyn (with a C) and Dawn's house. Emma and her mom Tammy came as well. The girls all played very nice together and a good time was had by all. Olivia was a bit nervous and had to have Madeline in sight at all times. Both girls were very polite and gracious. Phoenix had a ball being loved on and I think other than nursing him, I really didn't hold him for the whole two hours! He was loving being passed from Tammy to Dawn. They were cuddling and snuggling him. I think their uteruses (uteri?) were twitching ;) He had great fun trying to dive at Dawn's cats and chatting.

We had a good supper of pasta and tomato/mushroom sauce. I made some fresh foccaccia to go with and some frozen corn. I'm going to do the good food box next month after I read what's in yours Robyn! That rocks! I'm glad your root veggie roast turned out well. I'll have to keep that in mind.

Tommorow night is the day before grocery shopping. Slim pickins... I'm making a sweet and sour stirfry with chicken, brocolli, garlic and tri coloured peppers. I'll do up some jasmine rice to go with.

Oh so tired. Night all :)

My 200th post!

Hurray! Apparently I have a lot to say ;)

Maddy discovered the computer today. Yes she's five. I've done my best to keep her away from it so far. But Olivia was at preschool and Phoenix was sleeping and I had already drawn and cut out horses, coloured in her princess book, cleaned the kitchen with her and read four books. I refused to turn on the boob tube so we checked out Nick Jr. instead. She played games for about an hour! She's got a bit to learn on mouse control but she has the concept down pat. I highly reccomend the "Wonderpets" game. So cute! Useless... but cute!

Olivia had a good day at preschool. She brought home a food bag? It's a brown paper bag, with pictures of food stuck on it. She had put organic lettuce, sausage rolls, a hot wing platter (?) and various stuff on it. I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with it... but it's cute!

Phoenix's rash is doing much better. We took him to our doctor yesterday (first time in 4.5 months! We don't do well babe visits apparently...) and he figures it was a systemic reaction caused by gluten. We had tried him on a bit of organic oatmeal and he screamed for 48 hours and has had this rash for three weeks. He said it could take a few more weeks to work itself out of his system. So no grains till at least a year (no biggie... babes can't digest grains until at least then anyways) and keep him off any foods for another month or so. We'll probably try again somewhere around 8.5 to 9 months. He's over 20 lbs on just boob so he'll be fine.

I'm beginning to think that with my very tall boy I should have sprung for the extra tall bodied Baby Hawk Mai Tai. When he falls asleep on my back his head lolls... even with the head rest. He often falls asleep on my back. Easiest way to get a baby to nap; bore them to death.

Dinner was very good tonight. Dinner was also very good last night for the record. Yesterday I did an organic roast chicken in the crockpot and after dinner put the bones and meat on for stock. It made the BEST STOCK EVAH! I then did a chicken noodle soup in the crockpot tonight with a loaf of fresh bread.

Watched the first episode of American Idol tonight. Wow. Some people are so incredibly fucking UNtalented it's not even funny. Nuff said.

I should head to bed. Jeff and I got in a very long philsophical discussion tonight about wicca and paganism. Either we're very elitist, very picky or assholes. Okay... probably most of the above. I just don't understand why every new member of our pagan board for the last couple months is either A. A complete flake or B. A complete asswipe. (No I'm totally not talking about you Kat ;) ) Could we just get some nice normal eco-friendly pagans please? PLEASE?

/rant

off to boob babe ... and by babe I mean the small one. Not the large one ;)

It's a better day...

or it will be if I hear from Robyn... you out there my friend?

I made yummy yummy ham stock. I used yummy yummy ham stock to make black beans in the crock pot. It took soaking them over night, THEN cooking them on HIGH for 8 hours to get them soft enough to mash. I refried them, added some taco seasoning and Jeff has lunch for the next week. He LOVES refried beans but the sodium content in the canned ones is insane.

I was hoping to have them for dinner tonight but they were not finished till after the girls were in bed. So I made my (robyn's) chicken pasta but instead of brocolli in it put halved baby organic tomato's. Soooo good. Served up with flax pasta. Yummo.

I took out my frusterations and bad mood on my house today.

I cleaned out the hall closet and that yielded THREE garbage bags full of stuff. All the top sheets (we don't use them) tableclothes we don't use, excess towels and pillow cases, a ton of gift bags, blankets... then I cleaned out all the kitchen cupboards and took four boxes full of stuff out. I gave away ANYTHING excess that I have not used in the last two months. The only things I kept that I don't normally use was my coffee maker and a veggie tray. That's it.

Jeff did the storage room, rec room, laundry/cat room, all the hallways down stairs. He took all the stuff to give away and donated it, did all the recycling and cleaned his heart out. Phoenix took a three hour nap and that helped quite a bit.

The girls were helpful, cheerful... a real joy to be around.

Well jeff's getting off the phone and we are just starting "Brothers Grimm." Hopefully it's a decent movie.

Meh...

It's been a day. One of those days where you seriously question the wisdom of having that third child that you wanted so much. Don't get me wrong... I love Phoenix with all my heart and soul but my girls are getting on my everloving last freaking nerve. It's the NUMBER of children and needs and wants that wears me down.

You know ... it takes a village to raise a child. In this society that we live in we are so separated from those that could give us help with the child rearing. Hold babies while they cry, make our kids a meal, fold some laundry. I'm jealous (yes jealous) of people (mostly my best friend) who have their mother in laws around to invite them for dinner, watch their kids... who WANT THEM THERE. I always feel like an intruder. I feel like when I pull into their driveway and someone else is there that I should just keep on driving :( We descend with our horde and the noise level increases five fold. I feel like I need to keep my kids quiet and well behaved so people will invite us back... but we rarely rarely get invited anywhere. And I'm tired of inviting myself :(

Apparently I'm having a pity party tonight. Oh well. It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

I'm making ham stock tonight so I can make refried black beans tomorrow for dinner. It smells delicious. I've done my menu's for the next two weeks as well. My MIL is coming for a week at the end of the month and I am SO looking forward to it. I can't wait to have some company and help!!! I sound so pathetic don't I :(

I'll end here. Anything else I say will just come out totally wrong.

:)

First of all... if you have not read the new Hathor comic go here: http://www.thecowgoddess.com/?p=521

absolutely true. She always manages to put into words exactly what I think!

Olivia had preschool today. While she was there, Phoenix had a piddly 45 minute nap but in that time Madeline and I made tuna salad and egg salad. She had a great time! She chopped up all the eggs, added the mayo and the spices, stirred it all up. She had to tell everyone that SHE made the dinner ;) Olivia had a good time and came home with a stop sign that she had made. All night every time we said something she didn't want to hear, or did something she didn't like she'd pop her sign in the air "STOP!" it was hilarious!

Well I'm obviously not pregnant (thank the Goddess above) as I ovulated today. Funny cause Robyn ovulated yesterday so my cycle must have pushed it back in order to be at the same time ;) Or my body is just whacked. I've always ovulated at a similar time as women I'm close to though so who knows!

Jeff just got in from shoveling three inches of snow. He's cold. (okay I'm back... baby woke up, went it to boob him but he REALLY woke up... that kind of awake where they tell you that they just had a great nap and they are ready to party and NOTHING you can do will convince them to go back to sleep... well at least he's in a good mood).

Better depart, Jeff's got a bunch of web work to do and I'll hang with the fiend. Even though I'd really rather be sleeping... sigh...

I need to go to bed

and yet here I sit... ;)

We did some running around yesterday and hit Ave Maria. An easy $50 every single time I enter that store. I bought kids probiotics, baby soap, kids toothpaste (orange from Green Beaver... it's... interesting) organic milk and butter and Jeff some new crystal rock deoderant.

Today we slept till 9 when Phoenix simply would not settle. I nursed him in the living room, handed him to jeff and went back to dreamland for another 1.5 hours. Nice! We went to a birthday party (son of a friend) today and the girls had a blast. Of course people get me started on the food dye issues and before you know it we're talking organic meat, coconut oil, cloth diapers, baby wearing and all of a sudden I'm the resident freak! Thank fuck no one brought up vaccinations or co-sleeping... I might have been stared right out of there! Oh well there's one in every crowd... might as well be me ;)

I've been told that I need to get Phoenix out of my bed. He needs his own room. He needs his own crib. Did that someone miss the memo where I proclaimed that all children I have will sleep with me, in my bed, until they no longer have a need to anymore? Obviously they did. I LOVE co-sleeping. I REFUSE to get out of bed to deal with a baby in the middle of the night. Deal with it! Not your bed, not your baby, NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

/rant

Okay I'm really off to bed now. I just have to search quickly online for a good decent priced bread machine. I thought it might have been the flour but obviously one of the heating elements went because my bread was about 5 inches tall and raw. Yummy!

and peace was had once more...

the girls are in bed. Oh thank the Goddess. They've been treating one another like they are their own personal punching bags. They are not fighting in ernest, but playfighting like crazy. First they are lions and "pinning" one another, then they are ponies and kicking one another, then they are sisters and wrestling. Girls... noise and dirt. I honestly think they really are boys just cleverly disguised as female.

Phoenix is majorly teething and pretty grouchy. He just woke up from a two hour nap and he's still grouchy ;) Come to think of it though sometimes I'm grouchy after I nap too. Oh he's sitting now!!! That's exciting :)

While Phoenix was sleeping we had a yummy dinner of Caesar salad, Olive chibatta bread and cheeses (double creamed brie and havarti) and then continued cleaning the girls rooms. We bought Maddy four big rubbermaid storage bins for under her bunk bed. She then made labels for them (barbies, dolls/bears, Loving Family, Dress up) and put them on. I cleaned her room out of all excess toys and put them back downstairs. We then did the same to Olivia's. Their rooms are all sparkly now.

Yesterday we got a call from Rose asking us to come and visit at night... when I told her we had to grocery shop she told us to bring over the girls so we could shop alone! Rock on! So we got two hours to ourselves (and phoenix of course) and then went over and watched a movie. We got home around 11:30 or so. It was a wonderful quiet night with visiting and just hanging out.

Well the fiend is still acting hungry so I'll go boob him ;)

Today...

Was a fairly good day! I got a decent amount of sleep last night. I managed to get a nap as per my previous post. Olivia had fun at pre-school. My BFF brought me chocolate chip cookies (that were FUCKING AWESOME! Thank you Robyn!) The girls went to bed without a hitch... it was all good.

I made Jeff and I a yummy sweet and sour organic beef over some whole wheat rotini for dinner. He had a meeting right after work with a web client so I ate cookies for dinner and waited for him. The girls had organic eggs fried in coconut oil, fresh whole wheat bread, organic peanut butter and vanilla rice milk. And cookies for dessert ;)

Mr. Fiendish is in bed already. He had a lovely long bath which we took a very adorable video of. If you want to see the video and I know you ;) Email me at Kozoris at telus dot net and I'll send you the link.

I'm wiating up to see Beverly Hills 90210 at midnight and then I'll be off to bed. Grocery shopping tomorrow and need to pay some bills.

And just when you think you're losing your mind...

Your baby sleeps, your husband takes two days off work to help you, you see your best friend and the world is a better place.

I feel about a zillion times better than two days ago. Phoenix has stopped screaming, is nursing much better, is sleeping... I'm happy. He's still waking up 3 times a night to nurse but he's going back to sleep right after or talking quietly to himself and then passing out. I feel rested. I feel rejuvinated.

Jeff took two emergency vacation days because I think he knew how close to snapping I was... I think he's the ONLY one that knew how close to snapping I was. Sleep deprivation does very mean things to a mama...

We went to the museum with Robyn and the kids yesterday. I needed that. To get out with other mom's and chat about life and kids. I made a new friend or two, the kids got to run off some energy and I got to show off my new Babyhawk of course ;)

I ended up making a fantastic pasta dish in about 1/2 hour last night. Chicken, organic tomatoes, red onions, tons of sliced garlic... all sauted in coconut oil and then toss with raw EVOO and pasta once it was done. Heaven.

I went to the dentist this morning where they finished one of my root canals. It didn't hurt. It did take a LONG FUCKING TIME! 1.5 hours with my mouth wide open. But now it's all smooth and pretty. They used composite fillings (no mercury offgassing thanks so much!) and it looks good. Unfortunately the freezing is wearing off and ohmyfuckinggodithurts! I've taken some more ibuprophen... I hate to take pain killers but ouch!!!

Well liv is at preschool for another hour. I'm having a nap.

And he sleeps...

He's been sleeping for 2.5 hours now. In bed. Without me.

I'd love to be sleeping but with two other kids to look after and feed and amuse... I'm not. But I did get my kitchen cleaned, eggs hard boiled and dinner thawed. Small miracles.

It's Phoenix's 7 month birthday today!!! 7 months... 7 months of kisses and cuddles, smiles and laughter, giggles and milk sighs... in 7 months he's almost tripled his birthweight and has thigh rolls like a michelin man. In 7 months he's stolen my heart and refused to give it back.

He hates sleep, he screams a lot, he likes to whine... but he's my baby boy and I wouldn't trade him for the world (maybe 8 hours of straight sleep... but not the world.)

Sleep is highly overrated...

I know all my posts these days are about sleep... or lack thereof. Eh... you go with what you know right? And currently all I know is I'm NOT GETTING ANY FUCKING SLEEP.

I can deal with a baby nursing all night. Wake up, nurse, go to sleep. I can do that. I did that with Olivia until she was two. I have no issues AT ALL nursing a baby each and every single time that the need it. I however DO have issues with babies that wake up, refuse to nurse, scream, then fall asleep and wake up 15 minutes later. And do this for 4 hours straight.

I finally got up with Phoenix at 5:30am because I was seriously thinking of chucking him out the window. We watched an hour of Friends and now we're watching some stupid show on "surviving motherhood." Another "wean your baby" "you don't need to feel guilty for not breastfeeding" "solids at 2 months are great!" show. Yah... advice I don't need right now thankssofuckingmuch.

So I've slept for about 1/2 hour. I know it's his teeth and his cold. He can't really breathe laying down. However I have a hard time sleeping sitting up. I'm praying this passes quickly.

So I figure I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or when he moves to his own room. Or when... oh who knows. You can't put a timeline on this kind of torture ;)

A vintage picture post :)

The boy is not old enough to be vintage... so here's one from a rare smiley moment the other day :)
Little Miss Madeline when she was about 7? 8? months old :)
Madeline doing the required naked baby on sheepskin pose ;) About 7 months old.
Olivia... looking fat and contemplative. 6ish months.
Sisters... lookin cute! Maddy is about 2.5 and Olivia is around a year.
Maddy and I at the park... she's about 8 months old.
Olivia... looking fabulous in her shoes. 1.5 years.
Olivia... around the same age. I love this picture :)
My Madeline beauty :) Around 3.5.
Olivia in the bath. Our kewpie doll. 1.5 years.
Madeline being Madeline ;) 3.5.
Olivia at around 1.5 years. Being her normal cute self.
All Hallow's eve. Maddy was three and Olivia was 1 1/3.


Just cause :)

Hoping for a peaceful night?

I won't hope too hard though...

Phoenix went to bed at 1:45am last night. We went to bed at 3:15am... Phoenix woke up at 3:25am and SCREAMED for about an hour. Screamed to the point where I seriously considered taking him to the er... I could hear his tummy gurgling and he was cramping :( He is NOT READY FOR FUCKING SOLIDS. He just is not. No solids of any sort of form for at least the next month. Poor baby... having a cold, teething and then having a reaction to food. For the first time in his life he had some allopathic medication... I didn't even have any infant motrin in the house so he got a 2/5's of a dose meant for a 24 pound child (he's 20 lbs) and it eventually soothed him a bit. He woke up after about an hour SCREAMING again for another 1/2 hour, refused to nurse and then slept straight until 11am. He nursed at 3:25 am and then not again till 11am. My boobs... were ready to explode.

After he nursed both breasts I got up and pumped and got another 4 oz off. I went back to bed until he woke up at 1:30pm! Jeff snoozed on the couch and the girls watched some movies and hung out. He's been refusing the breast less today than the past three weeks so that is making me feel a bit better about things. I've been so tired, so stressed, SO NEEDING A BREAK that it's been very overwhelming. I know I need to ask for help but I am so bad at it. I feel at times that I am fighting a losing battle and I just want to curl up and sleep for about a week. I wish... but if all my wishes were fishes I could fill a whole ocean with my words. It's no use wishing when the fairy godmother never comes.

Today was a good day as far as days go. We went to my real mothers place and ended up staying for Chinese take-out... ohsofuckinggood. So I didn't have to cook after all ;) She sent home a big pot of Chilli, turkey soup, lettuce, green peppers, pepperoni and a huge box full of bulk spices. Taco seasoning (which we use a ton of) oregano, celery salt, bay leaves, montreal steak spice, curry and seasoning salt. Muchly appreciated! Madeline is spending the night there and apparently she is having a great time. She just called to say goodnight :) So cute! She's had some junk food and now it's time for bed.

Rose bought me some patterns for the spring ballet festival... I should see how much she spent so I can pay her back! The one pattern will be perfect I think but I'll pass it by Madeline's ballet teacher on wednesday. She has rehersal from 12:15 to 1pm. Olivia is back at pre-school on thursday... sweet.

Here's hoping for a quiet night. Phoenix has done minimal screaming this afternoon and evening so I'm praying to the goddess above that he sleeps... for just a bit.

Happy New Years!

Well calendar new year at least ;) Being wiccan we celebrated the new year beginning November 1st.

Well we did absofreakinnothin tonight to bring the new year in. Everyone we knew was already doing something or were having people over and we were not invited. Way to feel loved ;) I had planned on staying home with our kidlets and just chilling but it was a little depressing not to even have an option you know? Nothing to do and no one to watch the kids if there WAS something to do! We didn't even think ahead to make some yummy food or get some booze... maybe Phoenix would have gone to sleep earlier had I some alcohol in my system ;)

But all in all it was a nice, semi-peaceful evening. We watched a movie with the kids and ate some popcorn. The girls were in bed before 9 and then we hung out, watched Friends, Jeff did some web work and played with his MP3 player. I got to have a nice bath while Jeff looked after Phoenix and we rang in the new year talking to some friends on the phone (the only ones that actually phoned to wish us a happy new year!!!)

Well Phoenix is in bed (as of about 1:45am) and hopefully he'll sleep better than the last two nights. I'm running on single digits of sleep (like maybe 5 total for both nights?) and I could use a break. Where is the kind grandmother than has nothing better to do than come rock my baby so I can sleep? Oh right... she's in sechelt... lol! She's coming to visit this month... thank goodness for retired MIL's ;) I'm beginning to get a little batty from sleep deprivation. I can totally see why they use it for torture.

First new years day that we have not been invited anywhere for dinner either. Dammit... does that mean I have to cook? ;)

Just another day in paradise...

If by day you mean week... and by paradise you mean hell...

;)

Mr. baby Fiend refused to sleep last night. Daddy fiend and I wished to have hot sex in front of our roaring (gas) fireplace. The scene was set, the blankets were down, the pillows were... plumped and then the baby called. So off I was at midnight to boob him yet once again. After what seemed like 4 hours (but was really 45 minutes) of boob'ing, shushing, cuddling, pleading and finally BEGGING he finally conked out.

The sex happened. The sex was fucking fantastic. The sex ended and I went to bed.

And fell asleep... for about 5 minutes. Until about 10am this morning when I finally got another 1.5 hours of sleep. Mr. fiend was up ALLLLL NIGHT! He could not settle, he would not nurse, then he'd nurse for an hour, then he'd cry, then he'd giggle... he was hysterical! One look at his cheeks this morning told the story... bright red streaks. He is FINALLY getting a tooth. He's been threatening to get said tooth for about 3 months. But there is a whitish dot on bottom gums and I believe that the tooth is coming.

Hylands teething tablets do nothing for this boy. And even though there is almost the exact same ingredients in the Boiron liquid teething remedy, IT seems to work. As in conk said boy out. It's nice. Very nice.

So boy has been sleeping on and off for around 3 hours now. Waking to nurse briefly (15 minutes or so) and then back off to homeopathic drug land ;)

In other news... well there is no real other news. Not doing anything for New Years this year apparently (oh wait jeff just walked in and we might be getting together with Chris and Nansi) but nothing too exciting anyways. Even if we did want to do something I think Rose is already busy babysitting her grandkids. Apparently Robyn and the kids are back in town as of yesterday? I dunno. Have not heard anything from them as of yet.

I think we'll head out to my real mother's house on new years day. She has a pot of chilli and some Turkey soup for us to take home. I will not turn down good homecooked food that I only have to heat up ;)

Today was a throw together supper. I whipped up a batch of garlic hummus, guacamole, carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, fresh sourdough bread and tortilla chips. The kids loved it. It was yummy. Phoenix actually ate some solid food! He had about a half tablespoon of organic oatmeal and a half tablespoon of organic applesauce. He's finally figured out the move food to the back of your throat and swallow thing ;)

I think we'll take the girls either swimming or to the museum tomorrow. Burn off some energy. They've been having a ton of fun with new playdoh, markers, painting sun catchers, doing their scaperfoil art... pretending to be ponies and nursing off their big ponies ;) They're a little nutso but wonderful girls. They picked out some new books at the library today and Maddy found a ballet one. If there is a ballet book within 2 miles it's hers.

Well I should probably pay some attention to jeff... even though he got to go out and visit and I didn't. Sigh... tis my lot in life I suppose. ;)

A Holiday Picture Post

Sleeping bunny/dragon
Oh so cute :)
Stockings stuffed and waiting for morning
Ponies, Discovery dome, pressies galore
My mom and dad
My cousins Brittney and Sadie with Madeline... after their bubble fight while doing dishes ;)
Olivia... hangin
December 23rd and dressed in their finest
Maddy's school picture
Mr. Fiend... lookin fiendish
Sister Maddy lovin on the babe

Where to begin?

I guess I'll start... at the beginning... lol!

December 21
We had good intentions to do a ritual with the kids to celebrate Yule... It got late though and we got tired so we let the kids open their presents from Aunty Dawn and then it was bedtime for them. They both got very cool Disney Princess sets and Phoenix got a cool crinkly book and a winnie the pooh photo album.

December 22
We headed over to Al and Roses to open presents from Mike and Robyn as they were going to Robyn's parents house for Christmas. We bought the family (even though we were not supposed to be exchanging family gifts... doh!) a years membership to the local kids museum. I really think they'll enjoy that. They got all three kids of ours jammies, the girls got kids croc's and Phoenix a very cool Leap frog Caterpillar. They also got the girls bobblehead dolls that you put your own pics in. We had dinner there (fantastic as usual) and had a good time. Olivia chucked a wobbly when it was time to leave (long night, very LOUD and busy time) but it was dealt with.

December 23
My parents came over for chinese food and to open presents. My dad was in a fucking snit most of the time that he was here. He was all pissed off because we were not going to be there for Christmas day and it would be the first time that they would have no kids around. Well try treating our family like we mean something to you and perhaps we'll show up? Just a thought? They got the girls some toys, Phoenix some toys and us a big lawn ornament. It ended up being an okay night but my dad's bad mood just overshadowed the whole ordeal.

December 24
We spend the morning just hanging... it was nice! We then took cards and soda cracker candy to all the neighbors that we know. We went to my aunt and uncles for a bit. It was... okay. It's the first time my aunt has seen P since he was born. They got the girls a very cool Crayola crayon maker and some really ugly porceline dolls jewellry box things... I think they will be freecycled shortly ;) We went to my grandmothers for dinner after and my other aunt and uncle, mom and dad and my cousins were there. We had a good time there. I had a very yummy Margarita ;) The girls got really precious dance bags from my grandmother. After we were done there we came home, put out chocolate milk and chocolate chip cookies for santa and the girls went to bed.

I filled the stockings, Jeff brought up the Santa gifts and then he struggled with the farking Discovery Dome for Phoenix for about 45 minutes. lol! We had a late but good night.

December 25
Let the carnage commence!!! The girls and us took about an hour to open all presents. Everyone liked everything. That about sums it up. The girls are ALL about their ponies ;) I got a couple seasons of Friends. Cordless notebook mouse, Memoirs of a Geisha, organic shampoo, face toner, tea and chocolate. I got some socks and notebooks as well. My Mil got me a gorgeous Goddess candle and the Llewellyn press 2007 Witches Datebook. They also got us another years membership to the kids museum.

We went to Al and Roses for breakfast and presents. Breakfast was awesome! They got us (get this!) a Cuisinart Food Processor!!!!!!!! I'm stoked!!! They also got us a Humidifier and some towels, the kids snowsuits and clothes, chairs and umbrella's and markers. Michelle got the girls slippers and Phoenix a First Years Cell Phone. He loves it! We came home for a bit, went back for an awesome supper, put the kids to bed there and then we all came home at around 11pm. Good times. Best Christmas in years.

December 26
Relaxed most of the day. I got to wash my hair with my new organic shampoo, eat some organic chocolate, drink some fabulous chai tea... heaven. We went back over the Al and Roses for an awesome ham dinner and visiting.

Today? I took down my tree ;) Cleaned up the living room and put it back in order. Vacuumed, swept, washed dishes... I got my Babyhawk Mei Tei in the mail!!!!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I got Phoenix on my back and cleaned for two hours with him there. I'm going to get a TON of use out of it! I also got a notice that my credit limit on my card is being upgraded from $200 to $1200. That's quite the jump.

Phoenix went to bed at 8:30 but he's up now. Still tired though. I gave him a bit of mashed avacado and coconut oil. Not... such a fan. He eats maybe an 1/8 of a tsp of food every fourth day or so... maybe. Solids not such a fan of is he.

Well my time is up... I just wanted to get an account of these days done while it's still fresh.

silence...

both my girls are at school (Maddy had her skating party today) and Phoenix is in bed... asleep. Maddy comes home at 2:45 (in just under an hour) Liv at 3:45 and Phoenix should sleep for an hour or so.

I am SOOOO going to get nekkid, have a bath and relax.

Oh for fucks sakes...

Just GO TO SLEEP already!

Yes THIS TIME it's about the baby.

He's been in uber bitchy, teething, grouchy, colicky mode for three solid days. You cannot put him down (not even to pee), you can't eat, HE won't nurse without screaming for 15 minutes first. He chomps at the breast, pulls away, screams... he's getting enough (I'm watching the diaper count) but he's bitchy about it.

I got maybe three hours of sleep last night. I'm bagged. I've now had TWO false starts where he's been in bed tonight but then woken up 10 minutes later ready to party. It's midnight. I'm bagged. I need to sleep.

I'm entertaining thoughts of running away to Greece and leaving it all behind. I'd settle for a QUIET baby, a bath and a good nights sleep though.

Can this stage just be over already? Olivia was such an easy baby... she spoiled the heck out of me.

Good holiday feelings :)

*we've been able to help a family in need (along with my other mother) buy groceries, with santa presents, fill stockings, holiday snackies and with extra money. It feels very good.

*I love watching the girls look at the presents under the tree, try to figure out who's is who's... what's in each package...

*wrapping presents, afixing tags just so... happy feelings :)

*waiting waiting and waiting for santa

*classic Christmas shows on TV... sharing them with my littles

I wish this time of year lasted forever :) One of the first years I've not been stressed about it in a very long time :)

Solid food... and sex (but not together... not that there's anything wrong with that)

and annoying co-leaders.

We had LLL on thursday and we had a "new" mom to the group. She seemed very nice and had a teeny 7.5 month with her (teeny as in like 14-15 lbs) she expressed some concern that her baby seemed to be taking in less breastmilk with the introduction of solids. With some questioning it turns out that her baby is taking in three solid food meals a day. This is the point in the meeting where I'm thinking "well of course he's taking in less breastmilk!" and gently give her the information that breastmilk packs more calories ounce for ounce than any solid foods and that most babies at 7.5 months are not able to fully digest the solids anyways. That if she does not want her baby to prematurely wean that she'll want to be careful with how much she offers.

But... before I can say anything my co-leader leaps in (for the record she's not known for her tactfulness) with "rice cereal is completely garbage, your baby would eat tacks if you put them in front of him, how do you KNOW he want food" (repeat for about 15 minutes) I finally got to interject and gave her some good advice. Dammit I'm getting really tired of having to deflect her comments all the fucking time. If she's that jaded she should just give it up! Grrr....

We give Phoenix a little something every four or so days... usually just a teething bisquit to suck on while we are eating (ok so he's only had two in his life) because he's doing just fine on breastmilk and I don't really say much reason to rock the boat. He still can't sit up unassisted and he still has a tongue thrust so he's obviously not ready for much. Not a popular opinion in the "feed them as soon as possible" sect but probably the safer way to go.

I got to have sex last night. Well mostly sex of the oral variety but sex none the less. I can't FUCKING WAIT till he has his sperm analysis and they are all dead in the water. I hate hate HATE condoms. Most of the time I'd rather not have sex that have sex with condoms. It does not matter the brand, lubed or not, ribbed or not... I just hate them.

I'd like to have sex eventually in my own bed ;) I feel so exposed doing it in the living room. I keep waiting for a little jammied person to walk out and ask for a drink of water ;) That would be a show for them ;) Oh well I guess everyone walked in on their parent's at some point.

After the great fantastic sex (lol) Phoenix only woke up 3 times last night! He woke up, nursed, passed out. I like that.

We're spending the day just hanging and then heading out to friend's for dinner and a gift exchange tonight. It should be fun!

please just SLEEP!

And for once I'm NOT talking about my baby!

Last night Jeff and I decided that we should put up Maddy's ikea bunk bed. We got this gorgeous periwinkle metal bunk bed off of Freecycle about 7 months ago... but it didn't come with bolts! So $40 worth of bolts later...

We finally got the bed up, made and ready for sleeping at 10:45pm! The kids normally go to bed sometime between 7 and 8!!! Maddy and Olivia were finally both sleeping at midnight. MIDNIGHT! Then Miss Madeline decided to wake her sister up at 8am. Not cool. There were son incredibly bitchy and volitile this morning that I canceled our playdate with Robyn and kids and they are back in bed. They better sleep. THEY BETTER!

Phoenix has been sleeping very well (knock on wood) for the last two nights. I'm enjoying it. He's already back in bed for his first nap right now.

Well off to clean the kitchen while I have the time with no kids (I know... party!)
...........................................................................................................................................
Kitchen is clean... dishwasher emptied and refilled. Pots and pans washed, countertops scrubbed. Today I've also put away three loads of laundry, cleaned the bedroom, scrubbed the bathroom, tidied the living room and dining room and vacuumed the whole house (except for Olivia's room as she screamed NOOOOO when I went to do her room. I figured I'd avoid a fit... hey if she likes to like in squallor who am I to clean her room?)

I had to put Madeline BACK TO BED when she came out after only an hour (and she hadn't slept at all... she's been out three times. Once to pee, once to poop and once for a drink) and asked if they could get up yet. I explained that perhaps she had misunderstood me... she needs to NAP and THEN she can get up. Sigh.... if they don't nap the rest of my day is going to be hell on earth.

I think I might have a bath while the kids are in bed. Hopefully Phoenix won't wake up the second I get in there.

It's 8:15 pm...

and all my children are in bed! Sleeping!!!

I put the girls to bed at around 7:15ish. Jammies, teeth, story, kisses, rock-a-bye and in to bed. Tucked them both in and snooze town! I called my girlfriend Jean and we were chatting. I was hanging out on the bed with Phoenix. He hadn't nursed for about an hour but was happily playing with his teething beads on his tummy. All of a sudden I look and he's doing the sleepy kitten thang ;) He passed out! I tucked our blankie over him and tip toed out. Who knows how long he is down for but I aim to enjoy it whist I can!

I did a baby shower at Healthiest Babies today. I was representing La Leche League. I was pleasently suprised at the number of breastfeeding moms there :) I got to hang out with Laura and Saphie (Saphie being the baby that Phoenix is arranged to marry... lol! She's absolutely freaking adorable!) and the other babies. At one point I had about 10 women all asking me about first solid foods and food allergies. I am such a good public speaker :) It's really nice to have people who want to educate themselves actually listen to what I have to say. It was a good affirmation of why I do what I do :)

After the baby shower we went and picked up Madeline from kindergarten and I took the kids to Exploration Place for the afternoon. They love the kids museum. We played in the sand, climbed on the ship. Maddy and I did boat races and Liv and I crashed our trains. Afterwards we went upstairs to watch the Bearded Dragon eat his dinner of live crickets. The kids got a massive kick out of that! We watched the snakes, talked to the turtles, played with electricity. We then sat down and played Frog tic tac toe, did a huge wooden Melissa and Doug dinosaur puzzle, played with an insect block puzzle and coloured some christmas pictures. Phoenix napped happily in the sling after nursing his fill downstairs.

We grabbed some dinner tonight and the three of us ate while Jeff went back to work. I let the kids watch a Christmas special on TV until 7 and then into bed.

It's been a good day so far. Though I just got a phone call from Rose that apparently the boys got a "head lice" notice home. Funny... my kid goes to the same school and no notice? I checked her bag and there is nothing in there. I'll check her head in the morning and give her and olivia both shampoo's with some tto in them as a preventative measure. I'm not too worried. The kindergarteners have their own door, don't use any sports gear that the other kids do and are generally segregated. Their coats are in their own room as well. Just have to keep on it that's all. Rose suggested I shampoo their heads with denorex but I remember how badly that hurt my head and I'm not going to put the kids through that. Generally with girls if you keep their hair in tight braids that helps a lot as well.

Well I'm going to take a quick nap I think while Phoenix is sleeping.

Why...

I had a crappy childhood. My father was (is?) an alcoholic. I can't even count the number of times that I woke up in the middle of the night with my mother threatening (screaming) that she was leaving him. My dad going for the gun cabinet, handing my mother a pistol and begging her to kill him. My mother throwing good china at my dad's head... My dad came home one night and ran his brand new truck into the front steps because he was drunk, my mother came out and as they fought my father opened his wallet and pulled out about 10 one hundred dollar bills... threw them on the steps and then left. I watched this through my window... Believe it or not? These were the best of times...

We moved to British Columbia, my dad had to find a new job and things went from bad to worse. He became depressed, poor, mean... he was master of the silent treatment. If he was mad at my sister and I he would ignore us for weeks on end. He would grunt if an answer was needed to a question. Often just the slightest infraction from us would send him over the edge. My father is a large man... almost 6 feet and a former boxer, rodeo guy and farrier. My father is a very very strong man and had no problems using violent physical force to "discipline" us. Being thrown up against walls and held by our necks. Being beat on our bare asses. Slapped across the face. Hair being pulled. I was never beat with his belt but my sister was. Numerous times.

Many times I would weep while I heard my sister being beat through the bedroom walls. I would beg and cry for him to stop, for him to leave her alone... he never did. I would ask my mother to make him stop. She never did. She never protected us. She never even tried. I got my last spanking on the bare ass at the age of 15 for having brought home a report card that had a C- on it. I told him then that if he ever tried to spank me again I would report him.

My father has an acid tongue. I recall being called a slut at the age of 11 because I dared wear make-up. Fat cow was a frequent title that was bestowed upon me. We used to have "family meetings" where he would pound the table with his large meaty fists for hours upon hours. Calling us names, asking us questions that we didn't have answers to. I would stare at my hands and rub my right thumb over my left thumb over and over... for hours. I still do this when cornered. I still have a very hard time looking anyone in the eye when I experience confrontation with them.

My parents are drug addicts. They have been for as long as I can remember. Everything for them is all about getting their next hit. Their next toke. When we were poor I can clearly remember my dad handing me two dollars and telling me to buy as many packs of ramen noodles as I could... and saying that this was what was going to feed us as a family for the next week. I came out of the grocery store and excitedly conveyed to him that they were having a sale on "no name" noodles... 6 packs for a dollar! I was able to get 12 whole packs. My sister and I had to share one... one per day... for four days until my mother was able to get an advance from her work and buy some groceries.

When I finally moved out and was on my own I spent all my money on food. All the time. I gained over 100 lbs in two years. I have a much better relationship with food now but my cupboards HAVE to be full. My children will never starve. My children will NEVER eat ramen noodles. My children will eat good, organic, home cooked food. They will never have to wonder where their next meal will come from.

My parents felt particularily flush one day and bought my sister and I both horses. Two horses plus all their tack for $600. I spent one whole glorious summer riding constantly. Her name was Misty. We explored all the surrounding mountains, lakes... rivers. She was my life. They sold her without telling me just before Christmas. They needed the money. They let my sister keep her horse... saying that they knew I would understand. They gave away my cat, my rabbit, my dog.

The years have past. I have children now. I don't want to hit them. I don't want to yell at them. I don't want to neglect them. I struggle daily with how I was raised. I get SO MAD when I read that people think it's ok to beat their kids... "they have to learn right?" They "pop" "smack" "tap"... they hit them. Call it what it is. They do it out of "love"... if my husband hit me out of love he'd be in fucking jail! I cannot condone the violence... I just can't.

Am I a perfect parent? No. Have I fucked up royally and hit my children? Yes. Often? No. I can count the number of times that I have hit my older children on less than two hands. I strive daily to improve my parenting skills and find alternate ways to handle my children... and handle myself.

My parents want us to come for Christmas dinner. I have declined. My mother burst into tears and told me that she cannot lives without her "babies"... I had a hard time not laughing in her face. She does not care about my children. She spends no time with them. She does not play with them, talk to them, show affection for them. She can go for months without seeing them... she lives in the same town! I thought things might change after Kylee (my sisters daughter) and Dawn moved to Alabama but it didn't... we just don't matter. I just don't fucking care anymore. I'm tired of striving for their love and approval... I will never get it. I don't want it.

I'm very glad that I have Rose and Al. They have been my parents essentially since I was 15 years old. They took me in to their home. Fed me. Clothed me. Rose was my mother, phychiatrist, best friend. I spent weeks and weeks at their house just hanging out, being a family... feeling normal. Normal was so fucked for me that I didn't know what it was at first. Then I began to crave it, seek it out. Whenever I am stressed or sad... lonely or freaking out I head back to Roses. I cry at the drop of a hat around her. I feel like I can lose it with my kids around her... I know she'll pick up the pieces. I know she'll love me no matter what.

My best friend has helped me more than she'll ever know. Robyn and I's relationship has evolved over the last five years. She knows more about me than almost anyone. My day does not feel complete until I talk to her. She knows bit and pieces about my past... she struggles with her parenting as I do. We bounce idea's off of one another and cry on eachothers shoulders when things don't go as planned. I feel normal around her. I don't ever have to put up a pretense... I know she understands.

And Jeff. Well he is my rock. My love. My life. He has taught me so much about love and forgiveness. I would not be the person I am today were it not for him.

This post has been brewing for weeks... I know it probably sounds disjointed... my mind works that way ;) Phew... I feel better.

Another long day

But a really really good day with the kids. Phoenix slept like crap last night (what else is new?) and we were all up and about at 9am. I was going to go back to bed but I really wanted to shitkick the kitchen into shape. So Jeff and I washed... cupboards, counters, fridge, stove, sinks, floors... it's a very very clean kitchen and I am a happy Tammy :)

Jeff played with the kids a ton today. Drug them around the house while they hung to his ankles, tickled, scared, threw them around. They soak that time up. Phoenix was less impressed with the noise but a good boobing keeps him happy.

The girls did tons of crafts... watched "Cars" twice *roll eyes* played with playdoh, stamps, coloured, did paper dolls.

We went to the mall today and hit the dollar store so the girls could do their shopping for eachother and jassy, gray, brandon, travis and phoenix. They bought some interesting stuff ;) I tried to gently guide them to appropriate items but in the end it was whatever struck their fancy.

Maddy has school every day this week except friday. They are practicing the christmas concert on tuesday and then preforming it on thursday. I can't wait!!!

Well off to bed. I'm knackered.

Exhausted

So I'm off to bed.

Quick summary...

Most presents bought. Ballet paid for. All presents wrapped.

I need sleep.

Busy busy busy

Tonight we did grocery shopping and health food shopping. Ave Maria had a 25% off special tonight that I did not know about but since I bought nearly $100 it was nice to get that off! I bought a $22 dollar jar of coconut oil, Aubrey organics shampoo for the girls, Weleda Calendula cream for Phoenix. I also pick up Tahini, the girls vitamins, organic baby oatmeal and some vanilla teething bisquits. They still had their organic ground beef on for buy three get one free. So I got four chubs of that. I then went to Superstore and dropped another load of cash. Dammit why does it cost so much to eat fresh and organic? I won't change it for anything but I'll also never be one of those people that say eating organic is no more expensive. It's more expensive. Trust me.

While at Superstore I picked up a Leappad book for Maddy (on sale for $6!!!) and the kids x-mas outfits. A gorgeous black velvet dress for Maddy with a little fuzzy pink bolero jacket, a burgandy and pink fluttery dress for Liv and a little vest/shirt/tie/pants set for Phoenix. They'll be smashing!

I asked Rose to babysit the kids tomorrow while we do some shopping. She already has the boys though so we'll see. She's supposed to call me in the morning and let me know. I hope she can but I also don't want to feel as if I'm pulling teeth or anything ;) Apparently Al might have something already planned for her to do. We'll see.

I have to run all over town tomorrow for Christmas pressies. Exploration place, PG sewing, Superstore, Wal-mart, Pine centre, Warehouse one... it will be extrordinarily stressful if we have to take the kidlets. It will be bad enough shuffling Phoenix in and out of the car. At least the weather is nice though and so heavy duty clothing is not needed. The girls both have ballet tomorrow too... that reminds me that we have to pay them their fee's.

I've got my lists made. I've checked it twice. I'm ready to rock and or roll.

titleless...

It's a mish mash post. Mostly thrown up because my darling sister asked me to ;)

Today was a hard day. I've got very little sleep for the last oh well six months or so. I'm tired. I'm tired of hearing children fight and bicker from the very second I wake up to the minute they go to bed. Thank the goddess above for preschool and kindergarten. I would not survive this year I swear.

Phoenix is a fusspot. He is about 10 times fussier than Olivia ever was. He wants to be held constantly (normal of course) and it's hard. He's in the sling at least 4-5 hours a day and my back is feeling it. I love him to death and he's such a little punkin... but he's a fusspot. I have to remember though that one day he won't want to be held and cuddled and snuggled and I should enjoy it whilst I have the chance. I love my little guy. I love my girls. I thank the goddess every day that I have the chance to have them in my lives... but could they just take it a bit easier on me? lol!

Jeff had to work late tonight. He had a meeting with a client (web) and he'll come home with not only a paycheck tomorrow but also another $750 cheque. Nice! He works very hard for our family and I am very grateful and thankful to him.

We had a nice dinner tonight after the girls were in bed. Phoenix sat in his bouncy seat and chewed an apple through his baby safe food teether. I think he mostly ate drool but he got some tastes :) It kept him happy for a bit. Jeff and I ate Boston Pizza takeout and it was tres yummy. Damn it's expensive to order from there! I think it's our first time ever?

Tomorrow Maddy has school and then grocery shopping at night. I want to finish my Christmas shopping this weekend and get that out of the way.

Our yule tree this year. The kids decorated it :)

Our ornaments on the bookshelf.

Olivia and Phoenix while Maddy was at school. Notice that Olivia is in possesion of the family Rudolf. He's currently tucked into bed with her. Phoenix has found his hands and is quite happy with that :)

*yawn*

/yawn

I am soooo tired. Phoenix has slept no more than 15 minutes at a time all day and all night for the last two nights and days. I FINALLY got him to sleep in bed as of about an hour or so ago. I hope he stays down for a while... he needs it.

He thinks that he wants solid food. He does. He watches us eat, opens his mouth, pretends to chew... but his body is clearly not ready for it judging from the fact that he gets crampy and gassy and uber bitchy. He'll just have to grouch about it for a while longer I guess.

My husband loves me. He really does! He told me to go ahead and order a Baby Hawk Mei Tai. I'm stoked! I need something to be able to carry Phoenix around on my back for hours. I've been doing it with the pouch but he's a little too low in it for it to be comfy for my back. I'll keep using the pouch around for poppability (great for just running in somewhere) but if he's going to be it in for a couple of hours I need the MT. I'm uber stoked! (did I mention that?)

I go an order in for Carazoo shoes. Two pairs for Phoenix (skull and crossbones and a tan Teddy bear pair) and a pair for Ella (lavendar with purple butterflys) so cute! I'm waiting for a bill for my Klean Kanteen's as well. I love Christmas shopping on line.

I'm laying down for a bit before I have to make dinner. This day is just freaking dragging...

Stuff and stuff

point form ;)

*we put up the tree and decorated last night... the kids did the tree and did a fantastic job! Good times... good times

*we've had like two feet of snow over the weekend. It... fucking... sucks

*my milk supply is rebounding (thank you fenugreek!) and Phoenix is having tons of nice wet diapers now (yayy!)

*still looking for a pony... supposed to call Jason from Leisure at superstore tomorrow and suck up to him ;)

*got Jeff put on moderated status on freecycle for mentioning that we'd pay for a pony

*Jeff scored a $1500 web contract. Half now and half at the beginning of January. Snow tires here we come!

*yah... we decided not to buy snow tires and then it snowed two feet. We need snow tires

*my mother came and visited today... for a whole hour. Nice. She payed attention to Phoenix... talked to the girls a bit and then left! Spending the evening with Sue before she heads out to work... we're high on the priority scale I tell ya

*off to boob babe and hopefully get him to sleep. He had about 1/8 of a tsp of fresh mashed pear today (if that) and Jeff let him lick a fudgsicle. If you can't tell I really don't care whether he eats solid food or not.

Christmas...

I need a pony. Desperately. All Madeline wants for x-mas is a "Fur real" Butterscotch pony. They are $300. I could get away with just a large riding pony (but not rocking) BUT I CAN'T FIND ONE ANYWHERE!!! We got Olivia a half sized one and know I'm freaking out because I know Maddy's heart is going to be broken because Olivia got a Pony and she didn't. I just cannot justify a $300 pony though! I can't afford it.

So I've been searching ebay all night (nothing) looked through all the catalouges (nothing) I've even got a post out on freecyle offering to buy one!

Last year they had the full sized ones at superstore and by the time I had the money to buy one they were all gone. I wish they would bring them in again this year. Sigh.

I don't know why this is so important to me... but it is.

CUTEST BABY EVAH and a daddy birthday day!

Daddy and Madeline reading the card that Madeline wrote all by herself! That's daddy on the front wearing long sleeves because it is so cold outside ;)

Daddy and Olivia with the very first card she has ever printed... apparently she does know all her letters and how to write them. Who'd a thunk it?

THE CUTEST HAT EVER!!!!! http://bebeloco.livejournal.com/ made this hat and I freaking love it! Apparently so does he ;)

Once again with the cute cat and CUTE BABY in the sling... telling mommy how much he likes the hat (and how much he likes boobs of course.) Hat is now safely wrapped up and ready to be put under the tree.

Broken windows!

Or one broken window at least! SO the fact that the windows were not installed properly lead to 6 inches of thick ice on the INSIDE of the windows which led to one of the windows CRACKING IN HALF this morning. Our bedroom window. Which is already so freaking cold in there because the insulation is crap... so cold that my mattress is now in the living room so Phoenix and I can stay warm.

Yah. Useless fucking contractor strikes again!

Robyn and Gray came to visit today while the pre-k girls were in school. We got both babes to sleep and destressed with a nice quiet chat. It's refressing to see that some one else's babe fights sleep as much as Phoenix does ;) I told her to leave Gray here while she went to pick up the girls and he visited me in the kitchen while I did some dinner prep. He's such a happy go lucky little fellow. I love the way he giggles like a maniac when you catch him doing something he shouldn't ;)

I made pizza for dinner tonight. Sausage, carmalized red onions, garlic and yellow peppers, my homemade sweet and sour bbq sauce, mozza and feta cheese. My homemade whole wheat crust... HEAVEN. Easily the best pizza to date. Sooooooo good. I need to make it for Robyn... she'd love it (minus the feta ;) )

I wrapped all the x-mas pressies that I had already. At least that's done.

I'm up this late because I'm just finishing off baking oatmeal/chocolate chip muffins for Maddy's "teddy bear picnic" at school tomorrow. lol! Yep... I'm one of "those" moms. They didn't ask us to send anything but I thought it would be nice. I also had to make a name tag for her bear and make her lunch. I did this all at around 12:30am. Think I could have started a wee bit earlier?

Well I should head to bed. Morning will come all too soon and I can't really sleep in much past 8 as Maddy and Jeff will be coming through the living room. I think Olivia and I might just have a pj day, lounge on the bed and watch movies.

Mood right now? Content :)

Eh...

It's been a day.

I had Jassy and Gray for a couple of hours this morning. It went mostly ok. Jassy LOST IT because I asked her if Gray could have peanut butter and honey for lunch (I forgot to ask Robyn what they ate and so had to improvise as I thought they would be back just after 12pm) So she chucked a wobbley. I put her in a time out, then a time out in Olivia's room and then explained priorities... to a three year old... am I insane? I gently tried to tell her that screaming for 20 minutes because I asked her a question probably was not a very good use of her (and mine) time. Especially when having to make lunch, cart around my baby and supervise both hurricane Gray and Olivia. LOL!

This... would be the reason I stopped at three kids. Because four is just insane. I'm just very very thankful that Madeline was in school. She would have been a big help but even one more body might have driven me over the edge.

They stayed to visit until just after four. Then my kids went for quiet times in their rooms so mommy could decompress for a few. Phoenix finally fell asleep while nursing but just as he was starting his slow breathing I had to make pasta. So once again had to put sleeping baby down (for about the fifth nap try of the day) and once again said baby wakes up crying.

He finally went to sleep at around 9:15 and has woken three times in two hours. This could be a very very very long evening.

Kathy is coming over to visit tomorrow and bringing me lunch! I invited Robyn and Gray as well to come visit after they drop off Jassy for pre-K. Not sure if they are coming or not. Jeff phoned to ask her (I was nursing babe) and Mike answered. Kinda got the brush off. So we'll see.

I need to relax for a bit, maybe try to have a bath... and go to bed.

Another sunday

It was a pretty good day. Got to sleep in. Had a great brunch (bacon, eggs, toast and jam) and visited Robyn and the kids for the afternoon. The kids "eventually" had a good time. Jassy was in a mood for the first part. I think Olivia telling her that she was "being mean" and that she didn't want to play with her finally brought her out of her funk... that and they had a snack. Food makes everything better apparently. Especially fruit cups. Manna from heaven ;)

I read the "Night Before Christmas" to the girls for bed. I really need to get a hard copy of it. I'd like to make that a tradition. Maddy got to paint "guys" with daddy today. She got a real kick out of it and I think that jeff did too.

Our new windows suck ass. They were installed the wrong way or something and have like an inch of ice build up on them!!! So we're got All-west glass coming this week to fix them. Guess you get what you pay for... the guy that installed them (remember the useless contractor?) did it for a really good price but took like a fucking month! Now our heating bill is going to go through the room.

Oh and our Star Choice reciever is fried I think. It's not recieving properly... we've got a guy coming out on tuesday and I think he'll probably tell me we need a new one. I'm going to politely explain that they better give us a new one or we'll drop their service.

Robyn is going to pick Maddy up from school for me tomorrow thank goodness. It's way too cold to be taking a baby out in this weather. I really hope they have an "in day" I've got her two kids for the later part of the morning. Then they'll have lunch with us and hang out. I think I'll make some chicken/garlic/brocolli pasta for dinner. Maybe some foccacia as well.

Tuesday Kathy and Julian are coming for lunch (well they are bringing the lunch with them) and then Thursday Jean, Elisabeth and Alex are coming for lunch and to watch "Cars" with us.

It's going to be a busy week. Friday is Jeff's birthday so I'll bake him a cake and have people over for cake and ice cream. I should pick up some more coke and ... ice cream. Lol!

Trying to figure out what to get him. Think think think.

Please stop me...

PLEASE!

The girls each have 7 x-mas pressies and one more planned! It's all within my budget of $150 per kid but really! Enough already! The problem is that once I get to the store and I see all of these things that I know the girls will just love than I have to buy them. I have issues. I know.

I bought Olivia a gorgeous Barbie ballerina dress, Madeline her CD player and a Bella Dancerella "Swan Lake" kit and Phoenix an adorable soft "My first Eeyore." I still need to get Olivia's Littlest Pet Shop ($50) and Madeline's 12 Dancing Princesses with Genevieve Horse and Carriage ($50). I need to buy Phoenix some Robeez, a book and some Jammies. If I do end up having the money I really want to buy him that Discovery Dome. I probably will. Then do their stockings (dollar store) and they are done!

Next payday is everyone else on my list. The payday after that (the 22nd of December) Jeff and I finally get to buy for one another. Oh how I wish I had endless money... or the credit to pretend I had endless money ;) At least with no real credit cards (well I have a $200 one but that's it) we can't get into any trouble. Everything we buy is with our own money and not borrowed.

Phoenix is sleeping (since 9:30) and I think I'll head to bed. Liv, Phoenix and I will go over to Robyn's tomorrow to hang for a bit, Maddy and Daddy are going to do some painting (model guys.) It should all be fun.

I wonder where my sister is, I think I'll call her. Okay.. called. No answer. I wonder if she's in jail? She's been denied citizenship to the usa and she's due to be deported... well any time now. I have not heard from her in days so maybe? I dunno. Dawn if you are reading this CALL ME YOU COW. (sisterly love)

Well Jeff's geeking out and my oh so warm bed is calling me.

Tired... but a new day :)

Phoenix slept like absolute crap last night... seeming to have tummy issues. So today I change a poopy diaper and it's green and chunky... wtf? Then I remember... when I was on antibiotics after he was born for my uterine infection his poop got green and chunky... the SAME ANTIBIOTIC. So psa... Keflex produces green and chunky poo in breastfed babies. It also gives them tummy aches.

Mystery solved.

I've only got 5 days of the stuff so hopefully he'll be better soon after that.

Today was parent observation day at ballet. So Phoenix and I watched Olivia for an hour and then Madeline for an hour. Both girls are doing wonderfully, were perfect listeners and both got comments and praise from both Tina (their teacher) and other parents on how they are naturals. That's my girls!

Jeff's at a meeting with a new web client. It's about a $1500 or so job so that would be nice at this time of year. The client is a pain in the ass to deal with (wants something specific, but won't tell him what... lol) but jeff has had dealings with him for almost 5 years. He usually turns to jeff whenver he has a new project to do.

The girls are watching cars. again. for the like 5th time. Thankfully I like the movie ;)

Jeff let me sleep in the morning. He took the babe at around 9:20 and let me sleep till 10:45. Heaven! Asleep ALONE in my bed! Only the second time that has happened in 6 months :)

Oh and fiend is 18.5 lbs now :)

have I mentioned?

how freaking tired I am?

We finally got to bed at 6... AM. He slept for about 2.5 hours until 8:30 and then nursed. Then back to sleep till about 10:30. So all told I got about 2.5 hours of sleep. Total. Broken up. I am so tired.

I wanted to have robyn and the kids over today but I'm way to out of it. I can barely plunk my eyes open.

The house is tidied. I need to put the whites in the dryer and vacuum but other than that I am good.

I think we'll take the kids to see Santa at the mall tonight and then get my grocery shopping done.

still awake

After my last post he woke up within 5 minutes. It's now four thirty in the morning. He's awake. He's alternately screamed and dozed for four and a half hours. He has a 101 fever, he's hot and bitchy.

I am so tired. I have not slept (obviously).

He finally ate (went for five hours without nursing even when offered.... you so know somethings really wrong with this boy) and now he's laying on the floor beside me chewing on a dinosaur tail.

I am soooooooooooooooo tired.

G double rr

My son. Listen up. When you are grouchy all day, don't want to nap, drooling all over the place and bitch for like two hours before bed this probably means that YOU ARE TIRED. You need sleep. So when mommy spends a half hour nursing you, gently sets you down in the family bed and expects a night to herself... do not wake up 1.5 hours after this yelling and screaming and refuse to go back to sleep after being nursed. It turns gentle mama into a mama that picks you up, gives you to daddy and takes a breather.

Thankfully after nursing again for another twenty minutes (about 15 minutes after I had just nursed his for 20 minutes in bed to try to get him back to sleep) he is in bed. I hope he's asleep. I don't hear anything... I'm not checking though. Just in case.

Parden me while my head explodes....

BAAAAAAMMMMMM....

With that out of the way...

why why why do I even bother with storknet. WHY! I should stick to mothering. I really should.

I had my tooth that had a partial rootcanal/then broke/then got infected worked on today. He cleaned it out, drilled, released some of the absess, drilled, filed, cleaned, steralized, drilled, poked, filed (you get the point.) It's now smooth at least and has a temp filling. It will need a crown when the root canal is finished. I walked into there asking him to just pull the damn tooth but he convinced me otherwise. He's also referring me to a surgeon to get my bottom two wisdom teeth pulled out. The one is cracked and the other is decaying. Blerg.

Mother goose was pretty good last night. We had six families (not suprising considering the roads) and then I went to Robyn to pick up jassy. We had a wee visit and then came home. I fed the babe, had a hot bath and then went to bed. Jeff actually got Phoenix to sleep and that was a huge suprise and very nice.

Maddy had a playdate with a school friend yesterday. I had to listen to the mother go on for at least 45 minutes on why she didn't breastfeed. How come the second people find out I am a LLL leader they need to justify themselves to me? You know what? I DON'T FUCKING CARE why you didn't breastfeed. I just don't care. I help mama's that DO breastfeed or want to breastfeed or are sad about not breastfeeding. If you didn't and you are happy with that then don't try to justify it to me. Cause I don't care. Period. It's your life. You have to live with your decisions. What I think is not going to make a difference one way or another.

/rant

So this mom and I don't have a lot in common. The volume level of their house was insane... no one talks they all YELL... ALL THE TIME... annoying. The three year old just babbles and does not say one recognizable word... yet she's about 6 inches taller and 10 lbs heavier than Olivia! We were only there for about 45 minutes and 15 of them were spent taking off all the snow gear and putting on all the snow gear in their teeny tiny little foyer. Then the kids and I had to trek back home in -12 and snowings and non plowed roads.

My house is messy. I've slipped on flylady. While the baby is sleeping I'm going to have a nap and tackle it later.

Vintage pictures :)

Grammie trying out the sling :) This is back in august in Sechelt with her and Phoenix
Olivia at around 6 months. I LOVE HER HAIR!
Miss Madeline at 1.5 years. Notice the lady like position ;)
My all time favourite picture of Olivia. I have no idea what she was so upset about but that lip just slays me ;)
My all time favourite picture of Madeline. I think she was around 2 when this picture was taken (or 2.5?) and yes those curls are real :)

lucky

Maddy had a much better day today. She was polite, respectful, could actually sit down for two seconds and I LOVED being around her. What a difference come down off the artificial dyes and sweeteners can do. My poor babe.

Olivia, phoenix and I slept until 10:30 this morning. Rather, Liv and I slept, Phoenix talked, kicked, played, grabbed me and tried to get me to wake up. I was rather sleepy as I had went to bed around 2am. He nursed about 6 times between 2am and 6am and then WAS UP FOR THE DAY. I'm tired.

We had a slow morning. Olivia actually ate a bowl of "mommy oatmeal" (real oatmeal as opposed to instant crap) and liked it! We played, watched some tv, olivia coloured and then we ate lunch. Jeff dropped us off at Maddy's school at 2:10 and we waited for Maddy to be finished. We walked home, had a snack, played... you get the idea.

Tonight we ordered supper from Domino's pizza as they were having a "dough raising" fundraiser to raise money for a new playground for Maddy's school. It was yummy. Our pizza had feta on it... mmmm... I LOVE feta.

After dinner we had a "family night movie" which we had planned for last night but the power going out kinda put that on hold. We bought the widescreen version of Cars (we had already seen it at the drive in and loved it!) so we stacked blankets and pillows on the floor, got some strawberry banana frozen yoguart and crashed. Maddy actually FELL ASLEEP about 20 minutes before the end (she usually does that when's she's coming down off of a reaction) and Jeff carried her to bed. Phoenix was fussy and drooly requiring teething tablets and multiple nursings. He's now (finally) in bed.

Jeff just cleaned the kitchen, mopped the floor and is now geekin out with his warhammer.

I balanced the budget today, finished my shopping lists and did my flylady stuff. Tomorrow is a 27 fling boogie for the bedroom.

I'm afraid that Phoenix is not getting his discovery dome for Christmas... having to buy a car seat kind of put a wrench in things. I don't want to take away from anyone else's pressies so we'll cut back at home. Hey! At least he'll be safe.

I'm excited about one of his gifts :) http://bebeloco.livejournal.com/ is making him a white and blue knit bunny ear hat! I can't wait to see it.

Oh and we got a package in the mail today from one of Jeff's cousins Sarah and her hubby Brad. They sent a gorgeous outfit for Phoenix... Old Navy light blue overalls and a cream coloured waffle wear long sleeved onesie. Stripedy long sleeved old navy shirts for the girls and playdoh as well! That was a very nice suprise :)

Well I'm off to have a nice, long bath. Cross fingers the fiend does not need to be boobed.

The car seat hath been purchased

We went today and checked out the Radian seat at Canadian tire and looked for the Evenflo Tribute at Wal*mart. Wally does not CARRY the evenflo tribute. That's handy. They did however carry the Evenflo Titan 5 with comfort touch memory foam... ohhhh... ahhhhh.... soft ;)

So the Radian seat is...nice. If you wish to have your child sit basically on metal covered with not very comfy foam padding. It had no head support for a smaller baby, no wings to help protect the head in a crash and I think that sucker weighed like 50 lbs! Yah. No. I don't care if it does go up to 48 lbs.

We went back to wally and got the Titan 5. Highly rated in crash testing (right up there with the Britax seats) no bells and whistles but hey... it's a CAR SEAT not a moving restaurant. It's black and grey so it goes with the interior of our car ;) and we got it mega tightly installed with the latch system in the van. We put Phoenix in it and he SMILED! He hates his car seat so this is big. It's rear facing to 30 lbs and that makes me happy :) Oh and it was only $120! Bonus!

I visited my grandmother today and it was very sad to see how far downhill she has gone :(

We lost power for 6 hours today/tonight. We ended up at my other mothers so the kids could bath and get ready for school tomorrow. She gave me a big bag of hair stuff that will be great for the girls! She also has two super cute fake suede and furry vests for the girls that were given to her. Pink and Purple :) Oh and another really nice winter jacket for Maddy. Hey! I'm not to proud to accept handouts!

Well off to have a bath. All the kids are in bed and it's sooo quiet.