Oh I'm so annoyed...

I have been battling strep/tonsillitis for a couple of weeks now (coming up on three weeks I guess) and I went back to the clinic yesterday and it's back. So more antibiotics for me and supposed rest (lol!) So I get a call from my sister this morning saying she's horribly ill, it's strep (apparently now she's a doctor) and CAN I SHARE MY ANTIBIOTICS WITH HER! Ummmm... no.

First of all, I understand that since she no longer lives here she does not have health insurance. I know she'll have to pay to see a doctor. I know she'll have to pay to get antibiotics. I know this. But I also know that I need MY antibiotics. They are not going to give me another scrip until this one runs out so that will leave ME needed antibiotics and having to suffer because I can't get any. Never mind that she just very well might have a virus (there's a bunch going around) that cause sore throats and will not respond to drugs PERIOD. I am not going to diagnose and prescribe her and that is what I would be doing if I gave her half my antibiotics.

Of course she hung up on me (real mature) refused to answer the phone when I called back and then when I finally got my mother on the phone, I tried to explain my point and the feeling I got from her is that I was making HER life more difficult because now SHE had to get her to the doctors and "don't I know that she has a lot of stuff to do today?"

Why... why why why is it always MY FUCKING FAULT. Why do they always strive to make ME feel guilty???? Dawn KNEW I was getting over strep. I made no bones about it. I also told her that my doctor told me not to share utensils, cough on people or kiss anyone... and I didn't.

Oh and then yesterday my mother moans to me about how are they going to get grandma home Christmas day. (she's in a wheelchair after having had a stroke) She was about to ask me if Jeff would take her home when I said we were full up. We're not leaving early so we can take her home. I asked why THEY could not take her home... "the truck is too tall" ... so use the car? No... just ask Jeff! He's the family chauffeur!

Always the drama at Christmas... always.

Fuck.

I am making the pact RIGHT NOW to not take on this guilt. This is not my fault, it has nothing to do with me. It is not up to me to make every single persons life easier. I am not taking ownership of other people's bad moods and attempts to make me feel like shit. They can own their own energy and karma. I refuse.

I will enjoy this Christmas with my family. I will not let attempts at negativity drag me down. I do not have to accept the shit that people throw at me.

:)

Oh yah... whatever...

lol! I'm shaking my head... once again the whole vaccine debate comes up at good ol storknet. I posted that my littles had the pox and we all got through them... this brought up the debate on how anyone could ever dream of exposing their children to the horribly deadly disease that is the POX! (duh duh duuuuummmmmm) Because don't you know that someones aunt best friend's cousins daughter had them and nearly DIED and then their uncle had them and he DID DIE and blah blah blah. Yes... the chicken pox can do damage... VERY VERY RARELY and I'm willing to bet that not as much damage as that fucking vaccine has caused. How about this? How about giving millions of kids a vaccine that will leave them without protection in 10-15 years just in time for them to get them when they are a teenager and CAN be horribly damaged? Of course people say they'll just get the booster... but not everyone will. And people that could have earned life long immunity when they were children are now completely fucked.

Another funny... a couple of weeks ago when I posted on my status on facebook that my littles had the pox and I was happy, a woman that I barely know, who added ME, posts rather passive aggressively on HER status "........ ...... is wondering why anyone would want their child to be sick." How about just WRITING ME and ASKING ME instead of pulling the PA shit that I so enjoy?

I can't believe it's only six more days will christmas. Unreal. I still having stocking stuffers to buy and wrap!!!!!

Well I've watched three episodes of 90210 season three tonight and I am off to shower and hit the hay. Jeff's downstairs watching star wars... again. Uggg.

My husband...

is very very creative :) He designed and made these necklaces for our little ladies Yule presents :)

This is Madeline's :)
And a close up
Olivia's close up
And Olivia's entire necklace :)

I can't WAIT till they open them!!!!!

update of sorts

Just cause... lol!

So my issue with not breathing ended up being over a week long battle with evil evil strep. I'm FINALLY out of pain and that is a very very good thing. Jeff ended up getting it as well but he got on antibiotics right away. The kids are all finished the chicken pox as well. So Goddess willing we should all be well for Yule/santa day celebrations!

I'm all done my shopping, decorating and wrapping. I'm currently folding laundry and watching Star Wars I with Jeff. I'm tired. I have to stay up for another hour or so until my bread is finished.

Sigh. I had a whole post planned out but I'm too sleepy.

wtf...

seriously.

It's six thirty in the morning and other than a two minute doze here or there... I have not been to sleep yet.

I took a t-3 (tylenol with codeine) because my kidneys were sore, my back was sore, I was having tons of aches and pains of various sorts... it seemed like the right thing to do.

Those pills are going away tomorrow. Far far away. From about 20 minutes after I took ONE DAMN PILL I suffered a huge huge massive panic attack. I was so fucking exhausted that I couldn't keep my eyes open but every time I fell asleep I woke up convinced that if I did fall asleep I would die. Every. Single. Time. So now my bodies trigger to passing out is... to wake itself back up as soon as fucking possible.

Oh gawd. There are no words to explain how incredibly shitty I feel right now. Oh and to top it all off I have a massive sore throat. I've been managing my panic/anxiety well for a while but always, right around 16-18 months postpartum... when my hormone levels are reaching normal cause my babes start nursing less this happens. I attended a course on managing my anxiety and panic the last time and it worked very very well. I think I need that again. Or a shrink. Or something. Cause I can't live with the mood swings and the feeling of impending doom (which is one of the major signs of a heart attack... nice) and I don't think that my family really wants to live with it either.

So I sit here on the couch in the dark with my laptop... while my dark prince sleeps on the couch across from me. I tried to go to bed and managed about an hour in my room before I freaked out. I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN. I just can't.

I'm hoping this is just codeine induced. Praying it is.

Sigh. Out of words :(

The pox... round two

Both the littles have fevers. Olivia has a sore throat and no appetite... Phoenix has a cough and runny nose. My bet is two rounds of spots by tomorrow. Fun fun fun!

I have a kidney infection. I'm sore. I'm tired. I need a nap in the worst possible way. We're going to finish watching Emily Young and then it's bed for all of us. Diapers need to be switched to the dryer but other than that not much housework is being done today.

I need to do a grocery list... we're supposed to go visit rose and al tonight and we have a birthday party to go to tomorrow and I think Maddy's supposed to sleep over at my moms. We'll see.

Gawd I am SOOOOOOO TIRED.

A POX upon you...

Well we knew it had to happen sometime (being that we don't vaccinate for anything, never mind the chicken pox.) Madeline was complaining of a stomach ache all saturday, Jeff took her to the er that night and they said it was a bladder infection... put her on sulfa drugs. Fast forward to monday when she appears to have a rash ALL OVER her body. First culprit? Sulpha drugs... or... you know... chicken pox. The clinical diagnosis is the pox and she appears to have a pretty classic case of them. She's got between 100-200 spots. They have almost all come to a "head" and are bursting like crazy. About 2/3's of them have crusted over already. She was doing really well with them and not scratching (I'm keeping her doped on Benedryl... though it does not dope her, it actually excites her instead) but at about midnight she came upstairs with a forlorn look... "I HATE the chicken spots!!!" Some cream, Benedry, kisses and water later... she was back in bed and slept through the night.

We've done all of our school work for the morning. A science package on Chucky the salmon, two sheets of printing, a journal entry and three worksheets on ordinal numbers. Yes she's in grade one. No she's not doing grade one work. Most of what she's working on is grade two stuff. The advantages of being in a 1/2 split. This afternoon we'll work on skip counting, do our home reading program and practice spelling words. THEN when all of that is done, we'll pop some popcorn, cuddle up on the couch with Olivia and watch a movie.

Olivia is colouring Christmas pictures and humming "Jingle bells." We just ate some strawberry waffles and juice for lunch. I changed a massively disgusting Phoenix poo and we're good to go.

I'm sad for Madeline that she has to miss this week of school. Thursday the entire school is going to see a live showing of "Annie" and then report card day is Friday. She also has her ballet exam on Friday but come hell or high water SHE'S GOING. It should be fine since everything is crusting over already.

I'm tired. I'm run down. We're instituted a chore chart for Jeff and I to keep everything organized. During the week I'm in charge of most everything except after dinner dishes and maybe one other thing a night (like monday night he had to clean the rec room and last night he was SUPPOSED to clean the two bathrooms.)

One problem... he's tired. He sits on the couch as soon as the kids are in bed and trys to pass out. Well that's all fine and good but now I HAVE to do his chores... and that was the whole point of HAVING a chore chart... to lessen the burden on me. So I guess tonight he'll have to clean the bathrooms PLUS whatever he's supposed to do tonight. My jobs for today are a general tidy, clean my room, laundry and that's about it. So I guess I'll put away the last load I folded and start some more.

What I really feel like doing is curling up on my couch with a blankie, a cup of Chai, a really good book and reading till I fall asleep... and then napping for a good couple of hours. Instead I'll nurse the baby, feed kids, have a shower, get dressed, tidy up, do some laundry, clean the bedroom, read stories, play cars, spell words out for Olivia, homeschool Madeline, read Phoenix more stories, nurse a bit more, change another diaper....

It's NEVER dull moment... never.

Anyone want a best friend?

Cause I think I'm free... lol.

My best friends daughter is on house arrest until she potty learns (she's almost five and goes in and out of being completely learned but is currently out) and therefore that means that my best friend is on house arrest. No play dates, no sleepovers... I guess this means my four year old needs a new best friend as well. Any takers?

This is apparently daddy's plan of action on the potty learning front. *shakes head*

Le sigh. I'm going to miss my friend. I hope her daughter potty learns for good quickly... although if the last almost three years are any indication I am taking resumes ;)

life... amoung other things...

My sister and niece arrived safe and sound from Alabama on Friday morning. It was SO NICE to see them in person, be able to hug them and feel their energy. I've missed co-parenting with my sister, knowing someone loves my kids with the intensity that I do and would lay down their life for them. My kids are her kids and visa versa... it's strange. I feel like I can leave the room and not have to say "watch my kids kay?" because she already is... she's already there. She's already in that head space.

Phoenix took to Dawn in an instant. He's madly enamored with Kylee and loves to follow her around. She's such a little "mommy" and watches him, looks after him... wants to be with him. Between Madeline and Kylee he's very well loved.

Mom's last chemo went well. She's very tired and very sore and very much not letting herself sleep and rest... I know that she does not want to miss even a second of the time that Dawn and Kylee are here but she NEEDS TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF!!! It seems like every single time she does lay down someone is there needing her... I told Dawn to lay the smack down and when mom is in bed? She is not to be bothered. I spoke to mom tonight and she was very grouchy. Long days make for a grouchy mama.

My mother has a "friend" that is driving me slowly to the brink. She loves mom to death, would do anything for her... but has about all the tact of a porcupine. Some of the recent gems were...

-(to my grandmother who's had a stroke and is in a nursing home... it was her birthday today and she was cutting her cake) Oh you cut crooked... just like your life.

-(to my other grandmother, when asking her how she takes her coffee) Oh... black like your heart?

-(to my grandmothers care provider) Well I hope you washed your hands now that you've had them all over that cake

Just no tact. At all. At any times. G double Rrrrr I tell ya.

/rant

Phoenix ran up to me today and said "nana... PEAS PEAS PEAS!!!!!" (nurse me, please please please!) It was adorable! He usually takes me by the hand, leads me to the bedroom, grabs his blanket, lays down beside me and opens his mouth. He's not subtle AT ALL.

Madeline got in trouble for the first time ever at school today. Apparently she accidentally grabbed a kids lunch kit, he punched her and then she told the teacher. She left out that she had grabbed his lunch kit. She lied about it when questioned (she didn't want to get in trouble) but then told the truth. She got a warning and a note sent home. She was devastated... she went to the bathroom at school and bawled, bawled some more at home. Told me how sorry she was that she lied and that she wants people to trust her and be her friend. I'm pissed because the OTHER kid just got a warning as well. He fucking PUNCHED her. Not even on the same scale. He showed violent behaviour and I am not impressed. I will be talking to her teacher tomorrow. I can almost guarantee that Madeline will never do this again.

Okay wow... this was a rantyish post ;)

owwwww

I fell down the stairs. Holding Phoenix. On to a ceramic tile floor. ON MY KNEE. I hurt so freaking bad. I took 3 advil AND a tylenol 3 and JUST NOW am I starting to feel a bit better (well really zoo'ed but not so pained).

My knee is very red, a bunch of skin missing and quite swollen. I screamed when I tried to walk on it. Phoenix and I layed on the floor at the bottom of the stairs and cried for a while before I crawled up the stairs for the phone. I was on my way to pick up Maddy so thankfully Tammy (a friend who's little girl Emma is in the same class as Mad) could bring her home. I managed to put Phoenix down for a nap (he's fine... I pulled the landing so he'd be okay but managed to hurt myself that much more), get some frozen corn for my knee and now I'm laying on the couch (I AM NOT STUBBORN JEFF!)

Apparently I'm heading to the ER when Jeff gets home.

Fun.

Not.

sigh.

I really should have called Rose or someone to take care of me. It's unfair to Madeline to have to watch Phoenix while I can't move. I know if I called Jean she would have come down but that's a long ways to drive. I don't want to be a burden but FUCK THIS SO FUCKING HURTS!!!!!!!!!!! I was trying to get up the courage to ask Robyn to stay but they have a friend to help set up some speaker thing so they were already busy with things to do.

I guess I'll muddle through somehow tomorrow. Drugs will be my bestest friend.

Buy buy buy!!!

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5118712

Go to this shop. Buy these dolls :) These are all waldorf inspired dolls that are portraits of children from an orphanage in Niger. 100% of the proceeds go towards the orphanage and the children. Can you think of a better gift for any child (or woman for that matter!!!!)

it's a gray day

and I'm feeling grayish to go with it.

I'm tired, my back is sore, I'm tired of telling my girls to be quiet while Phoenix is attempting (for the third time) to have a nap. I'm tired of not having ANY couples friends to do things with as a family and yet it's totally not my style to say "hey you have kids, we have kids, lets hang" and yet I know that's what needs to be done in order to change this. I'm tired of not being able to arrange a time to hang out with Jean and her brood. I'm tired of not driving and therefore stuck to the house unless I can finagle a way to get out. I'm tired.

I would like an entire day to do WHAT I WANT. With no kids. With none of anything I didn't want around. With no housework or "mommy mommy mommy", with no dinners to cook and laundry to fold. And entire day to focus on MYSELF and no one else. Do these days exist? Not for me they don't.

I would like someone to cook me dinner, clean my house, watch my kids, run me a bath and fetch me some wine. To go with my whine ;)

Okay. Suck it up Princess. Real life awaits and it waits for me. Constantly. Annoyingly so.

Emo? Why?

Now this is Olivia at the age of 1 1/2 or so? But yah... she looks like that today. And a good portion of most days. She's emo, moody, acts pms'y. She's currently laying on the couch on her face ignoring me. I've snuggled her, joked with her, played with her and she's STILL BEING FUCKING EMO. OMG. Why? This is pretty much a constant state for her over the last year. Seriously now... do they make antidepressants for four year olds? I'm considering it.

She just informed me that she is bitchy because she does not want to clean her room. It's not MY room. I didn't leave a weeks worth of laundry on the floor. I didn't spread her stuffed animals from one end to the next. SHE DID. She is four and a half. She can clean her damned room herself.

/end rant

So this little person
decided to wake me up just after seven am... took a massive dump in his diaper and then stood by my head shoving his blanket on my face pleading "mama, nana PEASE!!!!!!!!!!" Over and over and over. I was suffering a codeine hangover (taking it for my cough) and not exactly wanting to be awake and on duty quite so early. Oh course with a diaper change, nursing and breakfast he is now standing in front of me grooving to "dance baby dance" and dancing he is! It's cute. He's cute. I guess he can stay.


Miss Madeline is at school and therefore cannot annoy me. That's the great thing about school ;) This is however an adorable picture. Note the blue ring around her mouth? Blue sucker. You'd think at the age of six that she could figure out how to get the sucker IN her mouth and not AROUND her mouth. Apparently not. Also note the adorable puppy on her lap. That is Ozzy. My newest nephew ;) He is a puggalicious pug and I *heart* him.

Well dinner is in the crockpot (baked beans) and I should change Phoenix, get him dressed, check Olivia's room, have a shower, feed Olivia lunch, fold the laundry, vacuum the floors, put more laundry in the washer, let the dog out.................. oh this could go on for a while ;)

An update...

cause my loverly sister asked so nicely for one ;)

There is snow on the ground. Nice, wet, soggy, heavy snow. It was fluffy for about a nanosecond but it's far too warm to have very good staying power. So mostly what it's doing is compacting and making things far too slippery on the roads. Thankfully we were able to purchase and get installed new winter tires on friday; about three hours after the dumpage started to take place.

Another thing about snow... it makes you realize very quickly that your extremely tall six year old outgrew her size 6X snowsuit. Your four year old is no longer a size 7 boot (and is now in size 10's!). Your baby needs something warmer than robeez for the -40 weather that is surely to come... and you can't possibly spend another winter wearing just crocs.

So we're now the proud owners of a lovely cream and pink snowsuit (size 8) for Maddy. Olivia has some snazzy new blue and white boots. Phoenix has the most teeny darling pair of Olive boots (that he HATES with a passion I have never seen. We're talking fall to the floor screaming, kicking feet, trying to rip them off of his legs and then when he succeeds? Chucking them to the other side of the room just as fast and as far as he can. It's fucking hilarious!) I also have boots. Cute, leather and fake furish type boots. They are warm.

Due to the upcoming holiday season and due to the new neighborhood we live in ( http://www.getawaybc.com/story.cgi?id=4647&section=5 ) we went lights shopping tonight and ended up with a metric assload of "crystal iced rope lights" which are multicoloured and very pretty! That combined with our blow up snow globe will have to do for this year. I imagine we'll collect stuff as the years pass.

I finally got an eye exam and my eyes have not changed one iota in the last eight years. I also got fitted for contact lenses and my trial pair should be in this week. Jeff also made an appointment for his eye exam but yesterday morning woke up with his eyes glued shut... enter... PINK EYE! Ironically enough he has not had an eye exam in eight years either and has never had pink eye... he makes an appointment? Gets pink eye. He's in a world of hurt. He went to the clinic yesterday and has prescription ointment now. Fun.

Phoenix has been taking Benadryl at night for his allergies/sinus inflammation. Our doc said to keep him on for the next couple of nights and allow him to get some rest. He cough was getting so bad that he was awake for most of every single night for 6 weeks. Poor duck.

Olivia is on her very first sleepover (that she's actually staying at!) There was a failed attempt earlier this year but she's confident that she'll stay. Robyn called and the girls are asleep and everything! It started as a play date at 1:00pm today and turned into a playdate/sleepover and now Robyn is taking her to preschool tomorrow too! That makes it 26 hours that Liv will not have been home. Weird.

Madeline is a source of worry for me. She's being bullied by a grade two girl. She takes pleasure in telling Madeline that her colouring is "gross" her shirt is "hideous" and tells everyone who will listen not to play with Maddy. Good thing that Maddy is friends with almost everyone and no one listens to Eden. It just pisses me off. Politics in grade one? I mean come on! Maddy is dealing with it fine but we are keeping our ears and eyes on the situation.

Oh and hey... MY SISTER IS COMING HOME! They bought their tickets, got their travel documents and my neice and my sister WILL BE HOME NEXT FRIDAY!!!!!! They are getting to stay for about a month and a half and I have not been happier in about two years ;) I miss them so freaking much and I can't believe that I have survived without my sister for this long. We all need her here for a bit.

Well I just told Jeff to go do his eyes. The dog is passed out and needs to go to his crate and the cats need to be fed. I sleepy.

Let them be little

I LOVE this song by Lonestar. It was part of a photo montage that Madeline's Kindy teacher did at the end of the year... it's good remember that they are just little and they are little only once... so when they are screaming at 4 am, whining incessantly and generally annoying the living heck out of you... take a deep breath. Hold them close. Give them a kiss.... and remember that this too shall pass... and sooner than you want.

Let them be Little

I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand
Felt so good in it, no bigger than a minute
How it amazes me, you're changing with every blink
Faster than a flower blooms they grow up all too soon

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh just let them be little

I've never felt so much in one little tender touch
I live for those kisses, prayers and your wishes
Now that you're teaching me things only a child can see
Every night while we're on our knees all I ask is please

Let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh just let them be little

So innocent, a precious soul, you turn around
It's time to let them go

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh just let them be little

Let them be little

my life

is not very exciting I guess... but it's mine.

Last night we had a wonderful thanksgiving dinner that I didn't have to cook ;) Surrounded by friends (that are basically family) and my children and love of my life. We stayed far too late watching movies, snuggling a puglet, tell stories... stuffing ourselves silly (well Robyn and I did anyways.)

Today it's house maintenance day. Outside of the house maintenance. Jeff got up on the roof and attempted to fix it. Then he weed hacked, and is currently mowing while I'm on the deck with my lap top. The girls and Loki are playing the shed and running around and Phoenix is sleeping.

We have a very healthy lawn. It was last moved in the beginning of August and with getting moved in, settled and whatnot, Jeff just never got to it again. It was very tall. And very very green. It's very very healthy :) Which is nice because our last lawn sucked ass and was mostly crab grass.

My house interior is messy... ish. I'm deciding not to care today. At the very least the laundry is almost all caught up. Take that maytag.

We have to replace the CV joint (right one) on the van. I'm hoping to sweet talk Mike into helping Jeff. We just can't swing 90$/hour for shop time right now. We own a house... but we're broke ;) Hey at least we have equity right???

My dog is now chasing jeff as he drags a falled tree into the back greenbelt. cool. Okay now he's trying to escape ;)

It's cold. I should put on a sweater. But I won't.

hmm... disjointed much?

where did I go?

the woman who wanted to be a lawyer, travel the world, have rampant sex any time of the day with the love of her life?

who did the swingin thang? Who partied the night away in clubs? who could attend any concert any time?

who swore she would never have kids? who rebelled against any form of commitment?

she's been replaced...

by someone who wants to be a midwife, loves long drives while her children sleep in the back seat, has quiet but still mind blowing sex on the couch... after the kids are in bed ;)

by someone who can't imagine sharing her man. Who parties the evening away at pagan family friendly events. Who's idea of a good concert is "big comfy couch"

by someone who laments the fact that her baby making days are over. who nurses her babies until the wean. who has made the ultimate commitment for her family.

I've changed.

I've grown.

I've matured.

I can't imagine doing anything else, being anywhere else or being ANYONE ELSE.

I love who I am.

I love my life.

I'm me... and for the first time in my life it's right where I want to be.

HE'S WALKING!!!!!

and it's so freaking adorable!

I put him down while on the phone with jeff and he took 6 steps. Then a bunch of steps at LLL tonight. Then he walked like four or five times at Roses!

He WALKS!!!

That is all :)

Is it true? Could it be?

Olivia Sporting her "first day of school" outfit :)

Madeline in her "first day of school" outfit

Phoenix sporting his... new teeth? Smile? Cuteness?

Emma (Maddy's friend) Madeline and Olivia outside M's school on the first day

Am I actually becoming a *gasp* morning person????

I guess that's what happens when you get up every single day at 7am and start falling asleep at 10:30 (yes 10:30... don't have a heart attack... I'm serious!)

I'm sitting here with my breakfast, listening to Chuck Berry while Olivia does some serious "Happy Feeting"

I'm back, a poopy diaper to change, a baby to get dressed and washed. I lead an exciting life. I should go run and put diapers in the wash as well.

Maddy's at school. Lunch is packed (pizza, apples, granola bar and banana for snack) and Olivia has school at 1. Jeff and I are actually going to take Phoenix and go do some birthday prep stuff. With just one child. We may get a wee bit giddy with the freedom ;) (great now he obviously was not done filling his pants cause he's crappy again...)

Yesterday I had my three kids, three daycare kids and then Maddy's friend. I must thrive on chaos ;) I find when there are that many they just tend to keep one another amused. We come home, have a snack (yesterday was fruit salad and juice) all homework gets done, homework gets invented for those that come without and silent/out loud reading takes place. THEN they get to play for about an hour and it's go home time. I LOVE afterschool care.

Olivia is sitting beside me saying "mommy, mommy, change Phoenix. No time for writing... change Phoenix! Changing!" I may have to kill her. Now Phoenix is driving his car on Liv's chair so she took off. These are the sounds of my morning...

I miss my Madeline. I enjoy the quiet but I miss her.

My sister is? hopefully? coming home for Christmas. Oh gawd she'd better. I need her here right now.

We're having a small party for Maddy's birthday day at my mom's on saturday. That reminds me I have to call Aunty Gail and my grandma. Then the big waterslide party at Ester's on the 22nd.

Well poopy diapers wait for no woman and it will just get stinkier the longer I wait. If I'm not back in 10 call the emt's kay?

but first... some new pics ;)

another day

Phoenix is having a heck of a time with his sleep tonight. He's been up about 5 times in the last 2 hours and we have NO idea what is wrong. So we've given him Motrin and we're crossing our fingers.

Maddy's lunch is made; organic pb and strawberry jam pinwheels on whole wheat tortilla, whole yogurt with honey, cinnamon and vanilla extract and orange flavoured craisens with watered down orange juice to drink. Banana for snack. I wish I made lunches for myself like I do for her ;)

I have two extra day care kids tomorrow. I love a house full.

On Friday I somehow managed to collect three extra kids on the way home. Caitlin (our one after school kid) Maddy, Liv, Phoenix and I were going to watch a very family friendly movie and eat our snack downstairs, then Maddy wanted Emma to come so I invited her (such a sweet kid with a wonderful mother), then Kendra (another grade one girl but in the K-1 split) overheard and I got guilted into inviting her... THEN our old next door neighbor Danica asked to come. We had a blast, the kids had a great time and Jeff hid upstairs ;) I have a feeling I'll always be the one with all the kids over at their house. I guess I'm just not afraid of having that many kids over. I find it fun :)

Ballet/song and dance are back in full force. Not much to report there. We planned it for the girls to have the same teacher as last year as we adore her :)

I made a roast chicken in the crockpot today so it could cook while we were out. Neither Jeff nor I are feeling well (head colds coming on) so it was an easyish type day. Did a bit of shopping and came home. Got Phoenix some new rice noodles and gluten free cereal (Gorilla crunch by envirokidz) and the girls some lunch things.

Well I should help jeff fold the laundry ... oops... he's done ;) Shucks ;)

My stock is finished (soup tomorrow) and the bread machine is almost done it's thing. I think I may have the hang of this suzie homemaker crap after all ;)

Instant Karma...

Oh how I love the mysterious and wonderful ways that the Goddess works... whatever good you put into this world comes back to you threefold. Whatever bad you put into this world comes back to you threefold...

remember the post where I said my inlaws backed down on a promise yet again? Well the sale of their house just fell through.

Karma's a bitch ain't it?

Planning a sixth birthday party...

SIX!!! I can't believe my teeny blonde blue eyed chubby baby is going to be six in 12 days! She's so tall with hair down to her waist and these muscled little dancer legs. She can read, do simple math, clean her room... she is way too young to be six and in grade one.

Esters Inn is the setting for the party. September 15th. Rose just informed me that her crew (them, Mike, Robyn and the kids) will be gone camping again. But if we got our tent trailer fixed would could go! Ummm... no. It will be cold. Probably rainy and yah. We're having a party. And she'll be gone. As usual ;)

So I guess it will be Madeline, Emma, Kaitlyn, Brianna, Caitlyn, Madison and Elisabeth. Olivia too of course, though she won't have a friend there... maybe we should invite Kathrine and Caroline? We'll see. So I'm booking the party Room and the kids will have two glorious hours to do those water slides just as many times as their little legs will ;) We'll have cupcakes, ice pops, juice, snacks and fun! I'll invite my mom and grandmother but I doubt they'll show up. I guess it will just be Maddy's friends, Jean, Jeff and I. I know they'll have a blast.

For goody bags I'm thinking a craft kit in each bag, a princess crown and some chocolate candies (Sundrops that are made with natural dyes, like M&M's.)

Madeline wants a pretend cash register, baby stroller, new baby and a Pucci Pup. She also wants a princess "polly pocket" type doll. I think maybe Olivia will get that for her. I found a cute Graco umbrella stroller for $9, the cash register for $19 and the new baby set for $22. I think we'll ix nay on the pup. She'll get some new clothes and a book or two to round it out.

Just got out of a very relaxing hot tub with Jeff. I think I'll go jump him while his defenses are down ;)

pysch...

So part of the reason that we chose to buy THIS house instead of buying the one that we were already living in that my inlaws owned was that we would receive money from the sale of the home. I won't go into huge details but basically they would give us the down payment for this place and then promised us more after their house sold and we would save that as a financial buffer. We informed them of this plan and they applauded us for being fiscally responsible...

Fast forward to today. They just informed us that there will be no more money forthcoming. So we spent more money on a house, spent money moving AND increased our mortgage by $400 a month on the promise of having an additional "X" amount of dollars in the bank and now it's not coming.

Now them backing down on their promises is nothing new so I shouldn't be surprised. It is what it is. However I am still disappointed.

The girls have not SEEN Jeff's mom since January. They are coming to visit on September 18th. They'll arrive that evening and are only staying until saturday morning. 3 days. Nice. They won't stay here and we probably will not see much of them at all.

Once again... it is what it is.

I am very grateful for what they have given us. We would not have been able to purchase a house without their help. However for the small amount they gave us, we helped them make $140,000 over the last three years by living in their rental and allowed them to acquire equity on it.

I'll just stop... I sound like a whiny little bitch.

I'm... meh

I've been lax on journaling. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm... depressed? I'm not sure but I feel that way a bit.

Lately I've been feeling the finality of Jeff's sterility. I don't "want" more children but I'm feeling the finality of not ever having that choice again. I was okay with it 10 months ago but not so much now. Not that there is anything that we would do or can be done. I feel our family is complete. But mommy amnesia has set in and I can only remember all the good things about being pregnant and having a newborn ;)

I'm dealing. I'm hoping this stage does not last long. I should have waited until now to get my dog ;)

The house is great. It's a dream. Our first mortgage payment came out and now we're officially on the poverty program ;)

Phoenix is back in cloth. He seems to tolerate being a bit wet much better than he used to and now that he is not quite so hating diaper changes and is willing to sit a tiny bit still, it's easier to get a snappi on him without impaling his penis and testicles.

School starts on tuesday... I'm ready but am I "ready?"

I need to let my feelings go to the Goddess and just trust that everything will work out.

Phew

We're moved. We moved in on friday and JUST NOW as of about three minutes ago have the whole house unpacked and ready to go. The kids do have a couple of boxes that they have to sort through and jeff has to do his room and put together the outside kids stuff but other than that... DONE!

The rec room was a HUGE job. Three nights we worked down here. The built in shelving is wonderful and is packed with the kids stuff and dvd's, puzzles, games, toys, crafts etc. It's so nice to have a place for everything! You would never be able to tell that I probably gave away close to half of our stuff. I'm going to keep decluttering and giving away things until I am satisfied :)

So tomorrow Jeff goes to the old house to clean, pack up the final couple things and steam clean the carpets. The girls and I are going to Jean's for Elisabeth's birthday party sleepover... well actually Olivia is coming home with daddy and Maddy, Phoenix and I are sleeping over. I know she wants to stay but she gets scared and then horrible during sleep over times.

I'm tired. I'm going to have a glass of wine and hit the hay.

A picture post!

Do you mind? I just woke up!

So pretty!

Rockin the new glasses :)

Cutest baby EVAH! You will bend to my mind powers...

Yes mama?

A baby profile :)

HUGE rant ahead

can we just be fucking moved and settled and DONE already???

From the minute the kids woke up they have been fighting.

-don't let phoenix in my room...
-PHOENIX GET OUT OF MY ROOM
-MOM GET PHOENIX OUT OF MY ROOM."

-mom she hit me
-no i didn't
-yes you DID!
-it was just a little tap
-NO YOU WHACKED ME ACROSS THE FACE WITH THE TELEPHONE
-just a little bit
-MOM! MADELINE'S LYING!
-MOM! OLIVIA'S A CRYBABY!

-Girls. I am putting Phoenix to bed. Please eat your lunch, leave the dog alone and be quiet...
*loud shouting, running around the kitchen, dog barking incessantly, kids screaming at one another ensues...*

I promptly LOSE MY MIND and shout at the kids to "get in their rooms" and then rant and rave at jeff about the kids the second he walks through the door.

THEN! Jeff goes to work and I find a giant puddle of DOG PISS at the end of the hallway! Nice! So then I go to get the dog and he pisses ALL DOWN THE HALLWAY, ALL OVER ME, ALL OVER THE ALREADY PISSED ON SPOT. I am going to shoot the dog... well I would if I had a gun that is.

The house is fucking trashed. We're moving in two days. Nothing ever gets FINISHED. We do bits of something, move to the next thing, do a bit there... move on again. I just want it done. I AM DONE.

We have to go sign papers today at the lawyers and the monster children have to come with us. OH WHAT FUN. Just fucking shoot me now.

house crap

So most of you know we're buying a new house

http://www.propertyguys.com/listings...p?propid=12862

and it's getting close to the date that all the subjects get taken off (August 1st).

Our mortgage was approved. CMHC (mortgage insurance guys) approved us on the condition that the house appraisal come to asking price or over. So we've been waiting on pins and needles to see if we could get the appraisal guys over there before the 1st and they can go tomorrow! So tomorrow afternoon (if the numbers are good) we'll be faxed our papers and we take possession on the 9th with a move in date of the 10th!

Our mortgage broker seems to think they'll be no problem with the value of the house and that is reassuring.

So now we wait ... lol. The house we're in right now http://www.mls.ca/PropertyDetails.as...ertyID=6010218 has had quite a few viewings and of course since my in-laws are giving us money from the sale of it, it's in our best interest for them to get top dollar.

So I'm here. I'm busy packing and stressing...

Okay I lied...

more point form it is.

*still cleaning. Remax lady is coming at 11 tomorrow morning to take pics. Right now we've done... the laundry room except the floors, rec room except the floors, downstairs bath except the floors, upstairs bath except the floors, all the bedrooms, living room, dining room, entrance, kitchen from top to bottom. We're finishing the floors tonight. Doing our bedroom quickly in the morning and doing a top to bottom vacuum in the morning. A good thorough house cleaning takes about 12 hours to do well. Phew.

*went and saw my mom tonight. She had a couple good cries. We talked for hours. I feel very close to her right now. She has not smoked for two days and I am so proud of her. I am so very glad that I didn't move away due to Jeff's work and can be here for her.

*(I'm back... had to nurse Phoenix)

*It's still blowing my ever loving mind that we're getting this house. I mean I guess technically the deal could fall through but I doubt it. The papers are at the lawyers, the contract was faxed to our mortgage guy and there is nothing else to do but wait for the financing to come through. Since we were preapproved it's not a worry.

*August 10th. Holy shit.

*We're still planning on going on vacation if you can believe it! I'm hoping it happens.

*wow I'm tired.

Taking a massive dump...

of my brain that is ;) Point form which I know is annoying but these things need to leave.

*so so so so so fucking worried about my mother's surgery tomorrow at 11:30. I wish I could be there at the hospital with her. I know she wants me to stay home with my babes but the urge to be there and hold her hand is strong.

*Jean and her kids are coming tomorrow to keep me company while I sit and wait. I didn't ask her to come but she offered. I'll take the offer.

*Tomorrow night Rose will take all three kids so jeff and I can go to the hospital to see my mom. This will be the first time I've left Phoenix with anyone but Jeff.

*the real estate agent is coming on friday to take pictures of the house. I'm freaking. I wanted more time to declutter and depersonalize. So tonight Jeff took down all the kids art work, pictures and anything personal. We shit kicked the rec room. I piled a huge amount of stuff to give away in the middle, took two garbage bags of junk out, recycled a giant box of paper... Then jeff did the hutch, I did most of the bookshelf and he did the rest (oh I am SO GOING TO LOVE the built in shelving in the rec room). He's going to bring up all the stuff to give away and all the freecycled stuff that should be picked up tomorrow and we should be good to go.

*tomorrow night is floor cleaning, laundry room cleaning, kitchen scrubbing, room tidying... I am so going to HATE keeping this house clean for the next three weeks while trying to pack. I wonder if I pack everything RIGHT NOW and just let them have clothes and tell them to play outside for the next month that I would be considered a bad mom? ;)

*I'm tired tired tired. In the midst of legal calls, calls to the buyer, calls to jeff, calls from Rose... I had four little girls PLUS my best friend Robyn and her two kids come over to play. It was busy but good.

*Oh and we're buying the sellers couch and love seat and her bedroom set (with double bed, headboard, side table, mirror and dresser) apparently... even though I don't really think it's all that cool for a six year old. Hmmm...

le sigh.

I think I'm done.

because I don't have enough stress in my life...

---

We are putting an offer on a house. TOMORROW. I'm freaking out. Mostly freaking out because this is not our money (jeff's parent's are giving us $20,000 for a down payment) so we have to wait for money transfers for the deposit, house inspection, lawyer...

Also freaking out because we are the first to look at this house and she also had three people lined up for tomorrow night. We need to get her this money asap!!!!

This is the house http://www.propertyguys.com/listings...p?propid=12862

It's a dream. Seriously. Fuck I don't have enough drama in my life I have to choose this time to buy a house!

So we phoned her tonight, offered her a $1000 deposit and we go tomorrow afternoon at 1pm to sign papers!!!! OMG!

eeeeekkkk!

My mom (Debbie) and dad (Kem) this past Yule time.

She has her surgery on Thursday to remove her breast, a chunk of her liver and her lymph nodes. She's in stage IV breast cancer. Please send all the healing thoughts you can manage.

swingsets amoung other things...

My parents bought my kids a metal swingset this weekend. It has two slides, a trapeze bar, glider and a slide. They LOVE it. Both mornings now as soon as I get up I am confronted by Madeline.

"Mommy... I'm dressed, I ate breakfast and I cleaned up the living room. Can I go outside?"

That was at about 9:30. It's 12:45. They've been in to pee, request a picnic lunch for themselves and Danica (the next door 10 year old), pick up the lunch and then ask if they could go for a walk.

I was dreaded summer because? I never freaking SEE my kids! lol! And before anyone gets all up in arms... my back yard is completely fenced. I keep all my windows and doors open. They are not allowed to go anywhere else without asking me. The neighbors on BOTH sides are always out and would instantly alert me to anyone weird if I didn't see them. We're all good ;) We live in a nice neighborhood and the only reason they are allowed out for a walk right now is because they are with Danica.

Phoenix is down for a nap. He's uber bitchy today. Olivia has a doctor's appointment to check out her hip at 1:45. I think I'll just get Jeff to take her and that way Phoenix can nap for as long as he wishes. Madeline is going over to Emma's later today (sometime after 2:30) so I think Liv and I will do some puzzles, workbooks and maybe let her play on the computer.

I'm not so patiently waiting for my mother to get a call from her doctor. She had her liver and lung x-rays on friday and we're waiting for the results. They need those back before her mastectomy. If she does have cancer in both that puts her at stage IV breast cancer. The 5 year survival rate for that is 20%. :(

The waiting and not knowing is the hardest.

We went for a hot dog roast and bonfire at their place last night. Gail, Tom, Sue, Bob, Debbie and Grandma M were all there. We had a great time. It was nice to just talk and laugh.

We're heading out tonight for some house viewings. Cross fingers we find something we want!

my mom's biopsies came back...

and it's not good news. She has a very aggressive form of breast cancer. Tomorrow she goes for x-rays on her lungs and liver. They'll do surgery to take off her right breast within the week. At that time they'll also biopsy her lymph nodes. After her surgery she'll begin chemotherapy.

I'm freaking out. Big time. I don't know what to do or say. I just want to hide in my bed and cry for a week :(

Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree...

Yah it's that time of year again. The time when I start making lists and preparing to buy/make yule pressies so I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT in november/december. Wish me luck.

I have a budget of $20 each for the nieces/nephews I really like; $10 per kid for the ones I have to buy for and $10 for the one kid of a friend we buy for. $20-25 for each of our parent's and small homemade gifts and pictures for our grandparents. Then we're doing baking and pictures for our friends and siblings.

So because I'll lose my list... I'll post it here.

Jasmyn- Melissa and Doug pirate chest ($7) Fairy workbook ($12)
Grayson- Melissa and Doug wooden Pizza set ($20)
Kylee- Books (maybe Nancy Drew) and some hair stuff ($20)
Alex- wooden name letters, wooden dinosaur, paint and brush ($10)
Brandon and Travis- $10 Blockbuster gift card, popcorn and chocolate bars ($15)
Ella- Melissa and Doug wooden animal puzzle train ($20)

My mom- Heart Grandmother birthstone necklace from Doodles Jewell's ($25)
My dad- funny t shirt and music ($25)
Larry- either a wine magazine subscription or wine related supplies ($25)
Diane- Heart Grandmother birthstone necklace from Doodles Jewell's ($25)
Rose- book on either massage or reflexology ($25)
Al- funny t shirt and $10 worth of Timmies GC's ($25)
Grandma M- $20 GC for nails
Grandma C and K- pictures and ornament ($5)

For the kids this year we are starting a "something you need, something to read and something you want." Plus a couple presents from Santa. So for the something you need, both girls are getting tiny 1cm pentagram pendants. Something to read, Maddy will get the Little House on the Prairie box set and Olivia will get the Narnia box set. Something they want and the santa things will wait till closer. Phoenix is going to get some wood toys... maybe some wood food and a wood fishing puzzle. Stuff like that. I think maybe a baby Waldorf doll for "something he wants." lol!

Jeff is still busy geeking out with his models tonight. Going on over 3 hours now! Go Jeff! My ass is numb from all this surfing but I've sent out emails for custom stuff and searched ebay till my eyes bled...

sunny day

I'm meh. Worried about my mom. Trying to keep myself very preoccupied. It's not really working.

I tidied the kitchen. Cleaned my room. Folded and put away five loads of laundry.

The girls have a picnic snack and are eating outside on the patio table. Cut up bananas, apples and granola bars. I have all the windows and the front door open so I can hear them. They know the rules anyways but it can't hurt to be careful.

Phoenix is having a nap. He's been so incredibly happy for the last four or five days... ever since we put him on the floor on a futon. I think along with him waking me up, I was waking him up. He's getting more sleep. He's actually napping. He's HAPPY. I don't mind crawling down to nurse him 2-3 times a night. It beats being up all night with a screaming unhappy baby.

It's a beautiful day. 21 degree's. The wind is blowing a wonderfully warm summer wind. I think I'll ask jeff if we can take the girls to the park tonight.

I love my view. I'm sad that I'll only have it for at most another two years. Sigh.

Jeff applied for a job in Medicine Hat Alberta. I was kinda meh on going there until I heard that the university has a conservatory of music and dance and that he'd probably get free dance tuition for the girls. That's worth it's weight in gold right there.

Sigh. I wish it were the weekend and i knew what was going on with my mom. The not knowing is murder.

sorry I'm MIA

my mom went for a mammogram three weeks ago because she had a huge mass in her breast. They send her for a retest and x-rays last thursday. Today her surgeon called and she went in for an appointment. They strongly suspect breast cancer (has many characteristics of it). She has surgery on thursday to remove the mass, biopsy it while she's still under and if it is cancer they will be removing her breast.

I'm in shock. I'm scared. I'm sad.

I don't know what to say or do.

So I'm not up to posting much... but I still care about you all and I am here... just... tired.

annoyed

I always thought that a certain person in my life talked behind my back about how incompetent I was... now that I know she actually did I'm even more annoyed. How DARE you say I can't "handle" my children. What gave you the right to say that I shouldn't have had a third because I could not "handle" the two I already had. I think I handle them pretty damn well!

Both girls are at or ahead of where they should be schooling wise.

Both girls are excellent friends, very kind hearted (except to each other but that really would be too much to ask) and good listeners.

Neither are cruel, mean or heartless.

Everyone gets fed good healthy organic foods, gets parented gently, is shown kindness and respect. I don't dump my kids anytime I need to do something. Anytime I want to do something or just because.

Do I mess up and compromise my morals and values? Yes of course I do. I'm HUMAN... not a robot.

I'm just a mama trying to do the very best by her kids and you know what? FUCK THEM who think that they are allowed to have an opinion. I'm tired of being backstabbed. I'm tired of my best friend being backstabbed. I'm just tired of it all.

I AM handling three kids, two cats and a dog. AM.. fuckyouverymuch.

mish mash mosh... part two

Olivia is four as of Saturday. I cannot believe that she is four! She's just so teeny tiny and just so much a little person to me. Four. Wow. She graduates from 3-4 year preschool to 4-5 year preschool (lol) on Thursday and then on Friday we have her end of year picnic. Which Jeff will be unable to attend. Just like he'll be unable to attend her graduation. Which if he would have informed Mary (his supervisor) of these things two weeks ago when I told him, she would have had a chance to work them into the schedule. So I'm not sure how I'm getting to these celebrations, or getting home from them either. I might end up having to walk... although that's a loooong walk with a little person who does not tolerate walking long distances. Oh well... guess it's my problem and not his.

Madeline graduates from kindergarten on Monday. It's her last day. She's pretty bummed that she has a whole summer with no school. We'll keep in touch with her friends and then with dance camps and such she'll have lots to do.

This Wednesday is recital rehearsal with recital being Friday night and Saturday afternoon. Then we're having Emma (M's friend) and Jassy over for a sleepover. We'll rent a movie and get some healthy junk food. Jeff's been offered the evening out away from us so I'm sure he'll snatch that up... missing the bachelor life that he is ;)

We're doing the "No cry sleep solution" and when Phoenix is not suffering the effects of his wheat issues he's sleeping awesome. 3-4 hour stretches. Easy to get back to sleep. Goes to bed after his nightly routine (bath, massage, teeth, stories, nursing and bed) at like 7:30-8:30!!! We're pretty happy.

Well off to make any last minute adjustments to Maddy's costume...

I am leaking...

copious amounts of breastmilk. Phoenix went to bed at 7:40. He woke two times between then and 9:40 but Jeff settled him both times. It's now 12:10am and I am engorged like you would not believe. I can't remember a time when he went 4.5 hours between nursings... maybe the "No cry sleep solution" is working?

I dropped the costume examples off today at the studio during rehearsal. 3 hours of rehearsal. Everyone loved how they turned out. It's just pandemonium at the studio during recital prep time!

I signed the girls up for the summer dance classes. Olivia has two weeks of dance camp, Maddy has two weeks of Jazz camp and a one week exam ballet prep course (running at the same time) so from July 23 to August 3 don't expect to hear from me ;)

So $300 later...

I've been checking out play systems tonight. When we buy our new house I'd like to take some money and get a good one... we're probably looking at a couple grand but they'll play on it forever so I'm going to get a decent wood one that will last.

The real estate agent was through here yesterday... she says it will list for at least twice of the price it was bought for three years ago. Now that's an investment!

I'm tired. I think I'll curl up on the couch till Phoenix calls. Jeff is watching a movie and the house is tidy. tomorrow is preschool for Liv and LLL at night... can I relax already?

I almost forgot!

Check out Olivia's photo montage I finished in time for her birthday!

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=2e2b5114619e396a9633a9&skin_id=0&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

Here's Phoenix's too

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=284edd1a0ef3d447816073&skin_id=0&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

and Madeline's!

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=2a3f7f1eb43caab17425e4&skin_id=0&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

my kids are adorable ;) It's time well wasted ;)

next week...

I WILL RELAX! I swear I will. I have been on the go constantly non-stop for the last week. Thank goodness Phoenix nurses because with all this being on the road all the time it's the only way he gets fed!

All the costumes bags are done and handed out. I just need to sew my own now.

I've had less than four hours of broken sleep each night for the past two nights. I spent thursday in the er and friday doing costumes.

Today was one of the most gut wrenching days I've ever had. I won't go into big details but a friend of a friend had her child removed from her custody due to mental health issues. I was there when it happened... her child is all of six years old and have never been without her mommy. *tears*

I've eaten entirely too many green frogs tonight.

My baby boy is ONE!!! He was one last week but that just goes to show how little time I've been on the puter. He's crawling, loving, talking... he's just a joy... most days.

Tomorrow is the big birthday party for him and Olivia. I think everything is done. I usually end up buying all the fruit and veggies and washing, cutting, organizing them myself. Well Costco has huge fruit and veggie platters for 13.99 each. SOLD! I bought one of each, some snacks, ordered both kids cakes (Magic of Pegasus for Liv and Pirates of the Caribbean for Phoenix) got goody bag stuff. All presents are bought (not wrapped but they are in the bedroom where Phoenix and Jeff are sleeping) and I think I'm ready.

For Phoenix's first birthday we bought him:
A wooden pull animal puzzle train from Melissa and Doug
An old fashioned Fisher Price Chatter Phone
Pack of 5 soft playskool cars
4 outfits

Olivia is getting:
rollerblades, Barbie ones that go over her shoes ($15!)
Melissa and Doug 48 piece wood pirate puzzle
Melissa and Doug wood pirate chest to decorate
Polly Pocket dog walking set
Littlest Pet shop two pack of animals
2 outfits

I went a bit wild... but didn't spend more that $100 per kid. We also bought Madeline an outfit and a hat. They always get a little something on the other kids birthday.

We're birthday partying at the park... it better not rain! I just checked the forcast and it's a 70% chance... maybe kids will come in their rain gear?

I need to tidy the house and go to bed. I'll probably do neither.

Oh gawd...

Save me from the mountain of tulle that has taken over my living room. I offered to be the costume mom for both Madeline and Olivia's ballet classes. Olivia's class are pink pigs. It was SUPPOSED to be easy... a body suit, a big frilly tutu (both purchased by the studio) I would cut out ears and tail and then put the bags together. The parents sew their own child's costume. But ... tutu's are back ordered. SO... we have to MAKE tutu's. This involves cutting mountains of tulle into strips, counting out strips and putting them into bags. Not only for Olivia's class (of nine girls) but Madeline's clown costumes require tutu's as well. All 12 girls. 35 strips for each tutu. 21 tutu's... do the math. That's a FUCK of a lot of tulle.

Ahh... the clowns. Bodysuits, tutu's (multicoloured... we have six colours of tulle as opposed to just white for olivia's class) clown hats, neck ruffles, wrist ruffles, ankle ruffles, pompoms on the body and sequins on the tip of EVERY SINGLE STRIP OF TULLE on the tutu. Oh the parents are going to LOVE me... not.

So after about six hours worth of work I have the pig bags almost ready to go. I'm done half the tutu strips but everything else except the ear claw clips and sequins are all sorted, bagged and labelled. Tomorrow night? I tackle the clowns...

Speaking of which. My FIL comes tomorrow and stays till thursday. If he would have asked we would have told him it's not a good time. Tomorrow jeff has to pick up more clown stuff at the studio, Maddy has school, he's supposed to game at Chris's house. Tuesday Olivia has a dentist appointment, Jeff has an appointment with our banker, Olivia has preschool. Wednesday Maddy has school, then we head to the studio for rehearsal for 2.5 hours then I go to Mother Goose right after for two hours. But he didn't ask... so we spent the ENTIRE day (of our seventh anniversary!) cleaning.

We did hire the girl next door (Talia 14 years) to babysit for 2.5 hours tonight. We took Phoenix, went for dinner and dessert and then went for a drive. We needed that. We need to do that more often. Freedom for $20? I'm all for it.

Well back to nursing the babe and cutting tulle. Tulle.... it will be the death of me.

How cute it is!

To see Phoenix's fat little butt waddling around the house as he masters the art of crawling... of course now he can also master the art of getting into stuff that he should not be.

His first mess of the day was to dump the ENTIRE bucket of dog water on the floor. And as Olivia sprinted to grab a towel she slipped, landed first on her butt and then on her head and then proceeded to scream. She was soaked, Phoenix was soaked, the dog was scared and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry lol! Olivia just kept saying "that Phoenix... life was easier before he could move." *insert maniacal laughter here"

He's currently crawled into the dining room and is cleaning the floor. Blerg. There cannot be much there... the dog is really good at making sure of that already ;)

Well I had to take my first time out from Phoenix in the middle of the night. He woke up, screamed and screamed and screamed. I was getting ready to chuck him across the room so I left, took a breather, came back in (he was still screaming) and was ready to be gentle and kind. I held his hand, stroked his fingers and he stopped screaming and went back to sleep. The is the very first time in over five years that I've had to leave a screaming baby. I highly doubt I would have hurt him but the images in my head were not very kind... we'll put it that way.

Since Olivia got up before I did my living room is already trashed. She's currently munching on a juicy mango. They had cases of them (12 to a case) for sale at Superstore at $6 a case! I should go pick up another before they are all gone. I heart mango's.

Well I should eat some breakfast. I am tired today... very very tired.

mish mash mosh

My son is crawling. We're in for it ;)

We're going to see Shrek the Third today as a family. My inlaws sent me a cheque for my birthday so I'm taking everyone as my treat. I'm hoping Phoenix does alright! I can't believe he'll be 1 in less than a week!!!!!

We had a good time at my parents last night. We had bbq'ed hamburgers and they were delicious. We did smores as well and the girls enjoyed that. We actually managed to have nice conversations and I felt like I was being heard for one. It was nice.

I asked Jeff to cancel my birthday thing for tomorrow night. It was not well organized and I didn't want him calling people the day before asking them to come. I find that rude when people do that to me so I didn't want to be the reason it was being done to others. And really? When you get to this age the only people that care about your birthday is your kids anyways! I didn't want to have to spend my whole birthday cleaning my house, making a cake and generally stressed about having guests. Not my idea of a good time. It probably sounds like I am pissed and annoyed at jeff... but I'm not. Just disappointed. I'll get over it ;)

I wish my kids would stop fighting. They are annoying me. They are making me repeat everything 4 or 5 times. I don't have the patience for this today... well I'm being patience but I sure as fuck don't feel like it.

Oh but I got to sleep to 11am today so that was cool!

Oh and cause we're really really broke I don't actually get a birthday present. Maybe I'll buy myself something when my mother goose money comes in. I really want a new pair of Birks.

Apparently Rose is still dropping off a present for tomorrow night. I really wish people would not spend money on me that is way better off spent elsewhere. Money is tight for everyone these days.

We're back!

Some pictures first :)

And you all will be happy to know that my husband apologized for being an ass and putting unrealistic demands on me and all is well with the world ;)

So we went to Lac La Hache for the long weekend with out brand new (to us) tent trailer. The van towed it there with no problems, we set it up with no problems and had no problems with it for the entire weekend! yayyy!!!! It was so very nice to be warm all night, wake up and be able to have a warm drink right away, have a place to hang and cook when it rained and have places to stash all of our stuff. It so totally rocked!!!!

The girls had the "best time ever!" They found a couple of older kids (10 year old girls) that took to them instantly and carted them around for the weekend. They went for walks, played in the playground, bounced around from site to site and had more freedom then they had EVER had before. But they respected the rules, checked in often and were so well behaved it was incredible. They played hard, slept hard... ate hard... lol. They ate like horses and were in bed asleep by like 10 every night but the first one. The decided that smores rock, hot dogs were very cool and that getting to drink juice all the time was so very cool ;)

Phoenix did okay. He was slung about 90% of every day by either jeff or I. I brought the playpen and he went in for for two minutes once before screaming. I won't pack that next time. It was a waste of space. He has a newfound love for buttered popcorn rice cakes (the big ones... he'd eat an entire one in a sitting!) Him and I slept in one bunk, the girls in the other and jeff on the table bed. I would have rather slept with Jeff instead of Phoenix but with him nursing so often still it's impractical.

Jeff and I had a blast. We loved hanging out around the fire with all the other adults at night, drinking and laughing. Good times.

We're planning for our next trip already. We're probably heading to Hixon next. It's only a half hour away but it's a cute campground with water/power/playground/dog area. It's on a river that you can gold pan in.

It's hard to explain but even though we had a rocking good time... I'm eager to do it without the entire clan. I felt a bit judged at times and a bit... ignored (not by you guys Robyn obviously). It didn't ruin my time by any means and I won't let it bother me at all. But I am eager to do it alone. We're hoping that Robyn and clan might want to come to Hixon with us... or if not there then maybe somewhere else this summer. I had a blast with them.

"all done mama, alllll done!"

especially NOT the children!

Mr. Phoenix decided at 2:47am that he was "all done" sleeping and I should get up and amuse him. Needless to say I was not amused... in the slightest.

He screamed for 1.5 hours... right in my ear. He would not be soothed, nursed, cuddled... I ended up wrapping him in a blanket, rocking back and forth and shushing vigorously. All the while Jeff and I are fighting because "he wants his wife and life back" and "phoenix is manipulating me."

O... K...

I know that Jeff was just ranting and I can respect that. But I WILL NOT let Phoenix cry it out and I WILL NOT leave the room and let him scream and I WILL NOT let myself feel guilty for tending to my infant sons needs... even if that means I ignore some of my own needs. I won't. I will not. It's not going to happen. Ever.

I know that Jeff has needs. I do. But at 2:47 at night when he's already been sleeping for an hour the only need he has right then is sleep. I told him to go into the living room and crash on the couch so he could get some sleep. He chose instead to rant and rave for an hour. So he made the choice to not sleep as I see it.

I am tired of being an all night buffet. I am tired of being on beck and call. I am tired. Period. But this is the way that we chose a long time ago to raise our children and I am not changing it now. Besides... jeff does none of the nighttime parenting anyways. When he's the one getting up 3-4 times a night then he gets to choose how, when and where our son sleeps.

I love my husband. I love my son. I want to make both happy. But when it comes down to it Phoenix will only be a baby for a short period of time. If I meet his needs now (like I did for both girls) in the short term it will have great rewards for the long term. I am trying my very hardest to make my husband happy and respect his needs. His house is clean, there is almost always dinner on the table (and often it's what he's requested), he can go out whenever he wants, if he wants sex he only has to ask. I sit and talk to him about his interests, I let him slack off on the housework and pick up the pieces afterwards... what the fuck else can I do?????

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG.

Fuck I am so... tired. Tired of being in charge of EVERYONES happiness.

:)

I have readers! Yayyy! Thank you all for checking in with me and I *heart* you all :)

So the last week has been interesting. Finally tonight the trailer lights are working (thank you for lending us your husband yet again Robyn!!!) Faulty grounds, wiggly wires... meh. It's fixed and working though and that's all that matters to me! It's also insured, has a new vent hatch, new hitch thingy... it's all good to go.

Phoenix is not a happy camper though. We decided to try him on some cheerio's to see if his wheat allergy had subsided. Yah. It has not. So his poor little inner butt cheeks are all moist rashed and bleeding. I'm changing him AS SOON as he poops (every 1/2 hour or so) and cleaning him well, slathering him with Calendula cream and doing all I can to get him to heal. He's having lots of naked butt time as well. Robyn suggested Grapefruit seed extract but since it's not fungal or yeast I'm not sure if it will help. I might try just to see. Anyone have any tried and true recipes?

The girls had a great day. Talia and Danika the 14 and 10 year olds from next year came over and played hide and seek with them for a couple of hours! It kept them very amused. They are also taking them for a walk tomorrow to the ice cream shop so that should be fun for them :) I am really enjoying having older kids next door. My girls just hero worship them. Then tonight while we worked on the trailer, cleaned the van, spliced lights... they played mommy and baby in and out of the van and had a blast. They both went to bed without any meltdowns by 8pm and all is well with the world!

Jeff is over at Chris's right now. Something to do with little alien space ships? Colour me confused ;)

Well I better make Maddy's lunch and get her things ready for school tomorrow... and I hear Jeff's van :)

Anyone listening?

That should get your attention ;)

Robyn just finished her first year of blogging and since I've been doing it for about three years I thought I'd ask for comments from readers too! Let me know you are here and that you love (or hate!) me!!!

Please :)