Monday, July 31, 2006


My mother has had a hernia for a long time. On saturday when we were there she mentioned that it had come out and she could not put it back in. I TOLD her that she was in danger of having strangulated it...

She said she would wait to see the doctor till today.

Guess where I am heading tonight?

Yep... to the hospital because she is having emergency surgery.


I hate being right.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Very cool dream

Two nights again I had the most interesting, involved, lucid dream I have had in ages.

It's set 20 years in the future and apparently jeff and I won 18 million dollars on Lotto 649. The kids are all grown up. Maddy is a veterinarian. Olivia is just finishing her pre-med and Phoenix is an artsy type who's deciding "what to do with his life." Jeff and I are living in a nice house in a rural part of the lower mainland. We've got all the toys we want (snowmobiles, atv's, boat, truck and fifth wheel, nice cars etc) and we are raising Pugs. Strange.

My mom is dead but my dad is alive. Retired and still living in PG. Al and Rose are both long gone as are Jeff's parents. His sister and brother got divorced. My sister and BIL are still together though. Mike and Robyn are together and Mike is the head of Northwood now and lets Phoenix and Grayson work for him in the summers. Jassy is at UBC with Olivia and they are still best friends.

Casper is still alive and 30 years old... can cats live that long?

Jeff and I are very happy. We watch a little of pug puppies be born (3 black and one fawn). After we sit on our porch and snuggle and hold hands.

Strange strange dream. But 20 years from now I am going to look back on this and see if any of this came true!

Exciting day... ummm... not

Well we did take back the recycling, get another round of nystatin for the thrush that WILL NOT STAY AWAY (tried nystatin first, then Gentian violet, Bio-K, GSE...) it went away for a bit and now it's back (though I don't think we abolished it in the first place actually.) So despite asking the dr. for infant diflucan (apparently not reccommended for kids under 3) we got nystatin again. CROSS FINGERS it works. Course little man was hungry in the waiting room so I whipped out the boob. I think the guy sitting next to me was happy for that ;)

We shaved Frodo tonight. He had some massive mats on his back, haunches and under his arm pits. So he's nice and mat free now! He actually did very well. I am impressed :)

Phoenix is having his long nap of the day. He woke at 6 and ate for a bit and then fell back asleep. He actually slept a 6 hour stretch last night! I feel... still tired but less tired than before.

We had an *ok* day at my parents last night... some of the not so brilliant comments by my not so brilliant mother included...

*how am I supposed to bond if you won't let me feed him!
*I'm the important grandma and he better know that!
*I'll brainwash him while he's young
*I don't care what you say, at christmas he is having a lick of a candycane
*Phoenix your mommy is so selfish! She won't let me feed you a baba... poor baby
*Is he hungry.... AGAIN?
*Oh poor little guy... is your mama making you eat again?

(you get the point)

How I was EVER born from this woman I have no fucking idea *shakes head*

Well time to get kids ready for bed. Hurray!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Good day

Last night my WONDERFUL husband held the baby until 4am while I had a bath, read some of my book (Memoirs of a Geisha) and went to bed. At 4am he woke me up, told me the baby had been changed and he had a case of the bonks (meaning he needed to nurse). I nursed him and he went right back to sleep! He did wake up another 2 or 3 times until 9:30 but kept going right back to sleep!!!! Nice :)

We had a fairly nice visit with my grandma in her nursing home today. It appears though that her care aid that comes and takes her on outings and such might be pilfering her money :( She's had control of her bank card and all of a sudden her account is in arrears and her this months rent cheque BOUNCED! My mom is looking into it but I don't think this woman will be working for us for much longer. Sad state of affairs when someone that you are supposed to be able to trust takes an old woman who's had a stroke for a ride... :(

The girls had their 6 month dentist visit. Both girls have perfect teeth with no problems. Thank goodness they have jeff's teeth! They both let them do a full cleaning and check up with no fits. That was nice.

Afterwards we took them to the children's museum (we have a family membership) for a while so they could run off some energy. They always have the best time there. Of course I spent the entire time nursing Phoenix... we'er in public! I must be starving! lol :)

We came home and ate chicken fajita's for dinner. Then I napped in my chair with little man, jeff cleaned up the kitchen and then put the kids to bed!!! Have I mentioned that I love this man? Cause I really do :)

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Library time!

We had a nice evening tonight :) Got out to the library and took out a bunch of kids books, some video's and some coffee table type books for me (looking at pictures is about all the time I have right now!) The girls were looking for the library snake (he was UNDER his paper) and we chatting about snakes and how they lose their skin.

Apparently a friend that I used to have was there but I didn't see her. Jeff did but didn't really notice that it was her until she had already looked away. Eh. What do you do. He DOES work at the library and it IS a PUBLIC library so we are entitled to be there after hours just as much as she is...

Kids are in bed and Jeff and Phoenix are watching Scary Movie 3. I... am not ;)

Visiting? Maybe :)

My sister and I are trying to find a way for Phoenix and I to fly down to Huntsville Alabama in late october. She moved there from Canada with her new husband and daughter in late December last year and I have not seen her since :( I really really want to go and they have offered to pay for half of my plane ticket but I just don't know if I can swing $400 :( Anyone with cash to spare reading my blog? Want to make a post partum woman really really happy! lol :)

Phoenix is sleeping like crap these days. He was up yesterday from 6:30 pm to 2:30 AM!!! Then he cried in my arms for about an hour while I sung to him and rocked him :( I think by that time he was just SO tired and SO overstimulated that he couldn't fall asleep... poor little guy :( Poor mommy... ;) Jeff is home tomorrow so at least I can sleep in a wee bit.

My parents got home last night so we'll spend the day with them on saturday. I think tomorrow that Phoenix and I will go with my mom to visit my grandmother in her nursing home. She does not really talk too much so it's better to have company while you are there.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish that we were going camping this weekend... sigh... We need to go out next weekend but it won't be the same without friends to hang around with.

Well it's 5:16pm and I'm still in my jammies (well actually they were fresh jammies from this morning) but that's okay :)

Oh and got both girls registered for ballet this fall. Maddy is in pre-primary and Olivia in Creative Movement. This will be Maddy's third year (she did a half year when she was three, full year at four and now this is the third) and Olivia is just beginning. They have to be three and it was a GREAT incentive for her to potty learn ;) I wish they offered hip hop for 5 year olds because maddy would love it! But alas, not till 8.

So money will be tight in september. Ballet for both, costume fee's for both, Pre-school for Olivia and Maddy needs new tights, skirt, leotard and shoes and Olivia needs new shoes. Jeff's mom offered to help with it so that is nice!

We are going to Sechelt to visit jeff's parents on October 18th. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF THIS TOWN! I feel stifled. I NEED to see the ocean... I NEED to see something other than pine beetle kill. I need!!!!!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


I've been thinking a lot lately about parenting and how my style and method has evolved from the first child to the third. How different people have influenced me along the way and how my life has changed just by having these little people in it!

Madeline. My first child. Born in september of 2001. She was long awaited and none too eager to get here ;) After a failed induction, getting to 9.5 cm's and then an "emergency" c-section (my doc had a golf game) she was here :) Bright eyed and bushy tailed. We took her home and placed her in her beautiful crib in the middle of a fully decorated nursery. We looked around at all the items we were sure we would be using on a daily basis (stroller/carseat travel system, exersaucer, swing) and were content. We were content... until she started screaming. AND DIDN'T STOP for about 3-4 months. We learned very early on that OUR baby would have none of our detatchment parenting style and we had to learn how to let her tell us what she needed.

So Madeline spent a good deal of time in our bed, in the sling, on our laps... and previously mentioned baby gadgets went unused ;) Having switched to formula with her early on, I then relactated and worked for 5 months to get her back to the breast so she could have the goodness of mommy milk. I spent hours each day in bed with her skin to skin and bonding. I also spent hours each day just crying... why was she not happy? What were we doing wrong? Hours every night Jeff and I sat and sang to her to try to get her to sleep. Old king cole was a favourite ;) We were certain that she NEEDED to go to bed at 9pm and we'd start an elaborate bedtime routine at like 7... lol! We put so much time and energy into getting her to sleep that by the time she finally went down we were exhausted!

When Madeline was 11 months old I became pregnant again... cue...

Olivia! The second born anime sprite was born. After a failed home water birth turned c-section for a prolapsed cord she was here. The most lucid babe that ever was... she didn't cry until she was about 9 months old. Mellow was her middle name. Parenting a young Olivia was the easiest thing I had ever done. She nursed like a champ. Slept with us from day one (I had given away our crib as we had never used it) and was a slinging fool. She slept when she needed to, came to bed when I went to bed, nursed when ever she wanted... maybe that was why she was so mellow?

After a loss at 9 weeks and a long troublsome pregnancy we now have

Phoenix! He's a gentle mellowish little babe. We parent him exactly how we did Olivia. He is worth the trouble that we went through to get him here.

During the span of the last 5 years I have become a LLL leader, become a Mother Goose leader, took part with Olivia in Roots Of Empathy (the pilot project in PG), taught Attatchment parenting classes at our local woman's group and served on a board at our hospital to make it and the town more breastfeeding friendly.

I've nursed babes now for a cumlative 7 years (so far!).

Embraced all aspects of attatchment and natural parenting. We breastfeed, extended breastfeed, child led wean, co-sleep, gentle disipline, baby wear, cloth diaper, feed a diet of mostly natural foods, don't vaccinate, don't circumsize, use homeopathic medicine and are just in general trying to provide an environment for our kids to become the best kids that they can be!

Has it been easy? Nope. Jeff and I are fond of saying that we always do things the hard way... but really? If you put the effort in NOW with your kids it saves you time and hardship later on.

I'm curious to see how our kids turn out. I don't think they are perfect (far from it) but on the whole they are gentle, kind, polite children that most people say are fun to be around. I know that I like to be with them, seeing them grow and change. Every time that Madeline is kind and loving to her sister I want to cheer! Every time that Olivia uses her gentle words without resorting to whining I am very proud. Every day is an adventure and we are learning together. Just as I let them tell me how they had to be parented as babes... I am learning to let them tell me now what they need and how they need it.

I love being a mother to these three absolutely gorgeous children. They are my life... my soul... sure I get tired and cranky and want to chuck them out the window sometimes (I am only human!!!) but I would not trade my life for anything.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Well how much do I suck?

lol! Apparently no one reads my blog... oh well :)

Today was another scorching hot freaking day. I think it got to like +34 or something? Waaaaayyyy too hot. Rose called and invited us over for the day (they have two air conditioners and some fans going) and it was sooooooooo cool in their house. I could actually nurse Phoenix without him sticking to me with sweat! Sweet! Robyn and the kids were there too and we all had dinner together. It was very nice. Apparently they are all going camping next weekend (I don't think with each other though) and I am jealous! Jeff works on saturday so no go for us. I want to get out of town so bad :(

The girls were fairly well behaved today. Maddy sliced her hand open on a sewing needle and yells "I got blood!" "Look!!! Blood!!!" but was not crying or anything... I think she just thought it was cool ;)

Olivia announced today that she thinks Aslan (from Narnia) is cute and that when she grows up she is going to marry him. Ho boy. How do I explain this?

Maddy has decided that Phoenix needs a nick name... so it's either "Phoenix the weenix" or "Phoenix the penis" ummm. No.

I think Maddy is going through a growth spurt because she is hungry all the time! She's just recently put on some height so maybe it's weight time.

I'm sitting right in front of my window staring past my maple tree and looking down the river at the sunset... sigh :) Happy sigh :) I love my view. Now if only it was NOT SO FUCKING HOT!!!!!!! I live in northern BC. I am not cut out for this! -40 I can take... +34? Not so much so.

Saturday, July 22, 2006


You! ya you! You KNOW who you are... (lol... just kidding)

If anyone is reading this blog please drop me a line! I'd love to hear from you :)

Random cute kid picture :)

Is he not the cutest baby in the whole wide world? I keep telling myself this when he is SCREAMING in my ear at 2am ... ;)

I did figure out why he's been so sleepless and grouchy for the past 2-3 days... I got my FIRST POST PARTUM FUCKING PERIOD! I am sooooo pissed off. I practice ecological breastfeeding... no paci's, no supplements, nurse all night, co-sleep, baby wear and I still get it back! I at least had a reprieve with Olivia till 3 months... but at least it explains HIS problems as Olivia always went a bit nutso when I was pre-menstral and it appears that he does too. Fun. Not.

Family? Or not...

I am annoyed. I don't know if I should be but it's so fucking hot here it's probably fried my brain and make me less than logical.

My "other" mother and father who have basically raised me since I was 15 have always called me their daughter and our kids their grandchildren. Say that we are family and they care for my kids the same as their blood gchildren. So today I'm in the mall and nursing Phoenix while Jeff and the kids are wandering. I see Mike (one of their real kids) so we're chatting and he mentions that they are heading out to their parents (the "other" parents mentioned previously) for a big family dinner because some other family is in town. We're not invited cause it's "just for family... no offense."


Thursday, July 20, 2006

I am so proud!

Of Jeff and I... after talking and talking about it for AGES we FINALLY started a high interest savings account. He made the first transfer and I the second. If we ever want to make owning this house a reality we HAVE to get our shit in gear and start saving mongo amounts of cash. This is a start :)

2 am...

And Phoenix is FINALLY asleep and in bed. Thank the Goddess ;) Little man was up today from 11am to about 4:30pm. Then slept basically until 9:30pm (woke up twice to nurse) the ENTIRE time we were over at friends for dinner. Then was awake from then till now. So I guess he had one nap today? Be it a 5 hour one ;) He's changed drastically from the "sleep all the time" baby he was.

We had a great time tonight at Maggee and Richard's. A wonderful dinner and they loved on the kids the whole time. They are so good to them... and us! Maddy fell down about 10 minutes before we left though and bashed her knee up pretty good. She went to bed with an ice pack for it. Olivia started losing it around 8ish (her bedtime) and by the time we got home (9:30) she had a major meldown. Kicking, screaming... she NEVER does this! I finally yelled at her to CALM DOWN (makes sense huh? tell her to calm down when I'm losing it? Not so much so...) and she did... enough to get pj's on and brush her teeth. She was probably out within two minutes once her head hit the pillow.

I overheard jeff singing lullaby's to Phoenix when I was in the bathroom tonight. It makes my heart melt to see the way he is with him. He is such a good daddy.

Well I'm off to bed too. I got very little sleep last night (he was up till 1am, slept till 4 and then up until about 8am!) and none the night before. How am I still alive? Could it be that sleep deprivation is such a constant to me my body is actually used to it? lol!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


Pictures at Photobucket!

enjoy :)

Dark Phoenix...

First of all... we don't think it's liver disease or a congenital liver problem.

The doctor thinks it is just extended breast milk jaundice and we'll keep watching his levels (another blood test in two weeks) and he thinks it will just keep dropping.

As for his iron and platelet count... NEVER NEVER NEVER trust the NURSE when she interprets the results. Sure his iron was very low and platelets very high... FOR AN ADULT! For a baby they are just fine... well within range.

So after lots of poking and prodding of the liver (not enlarged) checking his eye whites, soles of feet and palms of hands (all white) he suspects that jeff's mediteranian background and my native background have combined to product a very good looking darker skinned boy :) That the jaundice will come down and that everything will be fine.

Thank the Goddess and the God... *tears*

Monday, July 17, 2006

how morbid am I...

That I am sitting here crying my eyes out as if Phoenix has liver disease and has died already. I know that liver disease is one of the things that they will be trying to see if he has and I am already thinking that he has been handed a death warrant.

I can't imagine my life without this little person in it. He smiled at me today... for the very first time. I burst into tears.

I stroke his very soft skin as if I am trying to touch for a lifetime of touches that I will miss.

I smell his soft head and commit the scent to memory.

I study his every feature and take a photograph in my mind.

I hope... I hope... I hope...

that everything will be okay.

That it's nothing.

That they are overreacting.

That my little boy will be with me forever...

phone calls that you don't want to recieve...

we heard back about the jaundice...
and it's not great news...

apparently his bili level is 11 direct but 49 total. Anything over 20% of the total bili level indicates liver disease. His is about 22%

His iron is low and his platelets high. We see the dr tomorrow and probably see the specialist very soon after that.

Anyone have any advice? Been through this? I'm so scared not even knowing where this is heading or what damage has been done or is being done to my wee man.

I can't stop crying :( This is not fair.

Fussy... still

So I guess he's showing his true colours ;)

Phoenix LOVES comfort nurse. Loves it. One problem though... he hates HATES getting milk when he comfort nurses. This does not work for me as I have TONS of milk and could be feeding about 5 babies right now. So basically he grunts for the boob, I put him on, he's fine till he gets a let down, then he pulls... screams... cries... pulls off... latches on... repeat until I get irritated and take him off. Try this again in another 5 minutes. Sigh... I WILL NOT give in and give him a soother. He'll just have to deal ;)

He is sleeping currently and last night slept from 1:30am till 6:30am! Then after nursing he slept till 9am... he's still sleeping now :)

The girls are watching tv, I had potato salad for breakfast.

I'm having sex again (twice in one weekend) and deathly afraid of getting pregnant. I really wish they would call him in for his vasectomy!

I'm wondering if I'll hear today about Phoenix's blood test for jaundice and what the results are?

The house is mostly nice and tidy so I think I'll ignore it today ;) Thanks to my loverly husband.

Olivia might be going to preschool this fall. I registered her but there is a wait list and they'll call me and let me know. I'm totally grateful to Robyn as she's offered to pick Olivia up for me if she can get in to the same class that Jassy is in. Jeff can drop her off there though so that is good. I guess with Maddy in full day kindy two or three times a week and Liv in preschool I might have some time with just two kids instead of three. That would be... quiet. lol!

Annoyed at my "other" mother... I commented that if she wanted to take my kids (or even kid) camping that I would be all for that. I said that Robyn was feeling the same way (you know kinda joking around) and she said "well the boys come first" and commented that we all could take our kids camping any time that we wanted and that since the boys mom is single that she was unable to take them camping. What... fucking... bullshit. She enables that girl so much that it's not even fucking funny anymore. Grrr.

Hopefully the kidlets are well behaved today with minimal fighting. I can't handle the fighting.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Holy cranky...

big time.

I have no idea what Phoenix's problem is but wow is he cranky today. Feed me... no don't feed me. Pick me up... no not THAT way! Hold me... the other way! Feed me... NO DON'T FEED ME! ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! (that's him by the way... lol... screaming)

So finally I changed his butt yet again, stuck him in the sling and rocked back and forth till he passed out. He's now peacefully in the sling on my chest and sleeping. Let's cross fingers he's in a better mood when he wakes ;)

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Baby showers and sleep!

Well Phoenix's baby shower was last night and we had a GREAT time! I think there was like 11 of us plus some babies so a good number to have :) There was a huge salad and sandwiches, punch and an adorable cake (with a bottle on it though... I joked that they should have put a big breast on it instead) lol!

My little man is now totally outfitted for the next six months ;) He got an insane amount of clothes and they were all so freaking adorable! My inlaws got him a stroller (okay the stroller is for Olivia when we take Maddy back and forth to school but just the same...) we got a Care Bear Mobile, a Franklin suitcase, big teddy bear, some toys, tons of baby toiletry stuff and a GORGEOUS Goddess hemp canvas bag from Robyn. Hands down my favourite gift :) It was awesome. Everyone got to baby love on Phoenix and due to all of the attention he was awake from 7pm to 12am!

Which meant... he slept AWESOME last night. From 12:15am to 4:45am... then back to sleep after nursing to 8:00am, nursed... then back to sleep till 10:30am! I need that. The night before I got two (yes two) hours of BROKEN sleep. I was tired.

Tonight is LLL. Carla's camping so I'm solo leading tonight. It will be pretty informal cause I can't move the library books yet so just a get together type of meeting. Robyn's going to give me a ride home in HER NEW VAN! Yep they got a van finally. They are very happy with it :)

Well off to change little man and nurse him up :)

Sunday, July 09, 2006

So sleepy...

Little man has his days and nights completely backwards. Were this my first child I could nap all day with him and when he finally decided to join the rest of the world on normal standard time we'd be good to go.

Unfortunately I have two other monsters (I mean children) that need me to be awake and taking care of them during the day. That sucks ass.

So last night I nursed him at about 1:30 and then jeff sat in the rocking chair with him until he wanted to nurse at about 4am. I went to bed and slept from 2:30-4ish... Then him and I watch Babylon 5 till about 7am. Then slept until 7:45... nursed till 8:30... then slept till 10:45ish. So just over 4 hours of sleep. Yes I'm still standing.

I sure hope he gets his time worked out soon... lol!

According to our bathroom scale today he weighs around 12lbs. He is 5 weeks old and was 7lbs at his smallest. So 5lbs of weight gain in just under 5 weeks. I wonder how long he can keep this up for?

My nipples are better from the thrush but it's still rampant in him. I think the next line of defense is cut out the nystatin and just so GSE on us both. Hopefully that will kick it.

I bought some new clothes today. A brown tank top, two pairs of blousey capri's in orange and teal (they both match the brown tank) and a floor length brown broomstick skirt. I am an autumn colour person so it all looks great. Oh and some new panties cause the pregnancy underwear are usually ending up somewhere around my knees.

The girls are in bed and it's time to wake up Phoenix in the HOPES that he will have an alert time NOW and then sleep tonight... hey one can hope!!!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Attack of the purple nipples

or in other words... gentian violet strikes. And strikes hard.

Saturday I noticed my nipples were getting sore, Phoenix was pulling at the breast and clicking when he ate, he was getting gassy and then noticed the white patch on his tounge and the white spots on his gums. Yep. After nursing cumulatively for 7 years I finally got thrush. Goody.

So my nipples and Phoenix's mouth are a lovely shade of violet. lol. Poor little guy. I'm also using Miconazole after feedings and he's on Nystatin. Oh he's a BIG fan of that ... NOT! Oh and we're both taking pro-biotics. I REALLY want to be taking mega doses of garlic but I'm still on these damn blood thinners so that's a no no.

Thrush. Sigh.

Well I guess I can add it to my life experience that comes in handy as a League leader. I've counselled more mom's that I can count on thrush but never had it! It's those damn mega doses of antibiotics I was on for my uterine infection. Blerg.


Through a friends blog I read about another woman who had a baby (and lost her baby just shortly after birth due to her not breathing) and I have been reading her blog. Her words affect me greatly... I can FEEL her emotions and just ache at how badly she is hurting right now. I don't know this woman, don't know anything about her other than what I have read on her blog and yet I feel such a connection to her. I guess because we were due around the same time.

But why? Why did my baby get to stay and her's had to go? WHY???? It kills me that this mama has empty aching arms and mine are full. Why Phoenix wakes me for the 10th time in the night I remind myself that this mama would give ANYTHING to be woken up by her babe.

I was listening to the song "baby mine" this morning and started to cry. I was rocking Phoenix to sleep and it hit me how incredibly lucky I am that he is here, that he is alive, that we are safe.

It's just now hitting me that we dodged the blood clotting "bullet"... just now. I spent so much of my pregnancy trying not to bond or hope that he would actually make it. I am so lucky.

Saturday, July 01, 2006


I got the fucking sunburn from hell today. Yah stupid me didn't put on sunscreen. So sign me up for skin cancer.