Wednesday, May 16, 2007

"all done mama, alllll done!"

especially NOT the children!

Mr. Phoenix decided at 2:47am that he was "all done" sleeping and I should get up and amuse him. Needless to say I was not amused... in the slightest.

He screamed for 1.5 hours... right in my ear. He would not be soothed, nursed, cuddled... I ended up wrapping him in a blanket, rocking back and forth and shushing vigorously. All the while Jeff and I are fighting because "he wants his wife and life back" and "phoenix is manipulating me."

O... K...

I know that Jeff was just ranting and I can respect that. But I WILL NOT let Phoenix cry it out and I WILL NOT leave the room and let him scream and I WILL NOT let myself feel guilty for tending to my infant sons needs... even if that means I ignore some of my own needs. I won't. I will not. It's not going to happen. Ever.

I know that Jeff has needs. I do. But at 2:47 at night when he's already been sleeping for an hour the only need he has right then is sleep. I told him to go into the living room and crash on the couch so he could get some sleep. He chose instead to rant and rave for an hour. So he made the choice to not sleep as I see it.

I am tired of being an all night buffet. I am tired of being on beck and call. I am tired. Period. But this is the way that we chose a long time ago to raise our children and I am not changing it now. Besides... jeff does none of the nighttime parenting anyways. When he's the one getting up 3-4 times a night then he gets to choose how, when and where our son sleeps.

I love my husband. I love my son. I want to make both happy. But when it comes down to it Phoenix will only be a baby for a short period of time. If I meet his needs now (like I did for both girls) in the short term it will have great rewards for the long term. I am trying my very hardest to make my husband happy and respect his needs. His house is clean, there is almost always dinner on the table (and often it's what he's requested), he can go out whenever he wants, if he wants sex he only has to ask. I sit and talk to him about his interests, I let him slack off on the housework and pick up the pieces afterwards... what the fuck else can I do?????

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG.

Fuck I am so... tired. Tired of being in charge of EVERYONES happiness.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

only YOU can be in charge of your OWN happiness!!! you are a good mom and wife... if somebody does not like it then he and he alone is the only person to make himself happy! you cant do it for him! LOVE YOURSELF, AND YOU WILL BE FINE, AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE FINE ALSO.
sis...

Anonymous said...

I remember those nights. It is so hard but one day it does get better. I am glad I never did cio and all the sleepless nights were worth it. Sometimes husbands need to shut up.

Heather said...

I'll try not to badmouth, because Curtis has those moments too... but god I hate them. I just want to scream and throw things at him.

You're right: it is short term. It seems like forever right now but in two years this will just be a memory and he'll be a securely attached, healthy baby boy and he'll have his "Wife" back and you can laugh about being an 'all night buffet'.
In the end, this is worth it. It's shit at times like this, but it's worth it. I try and make myself see the bigger picture when Xan is freaking the fuck out and all I wanted to do was cuddle or have five minutes to myself.

Anonymous said...

hmmm maybe I am the odd WOman out here, but it sounds like you aren't happy. Just keep in mind that your husband is sending you some pretty clear signals, and maybe it is a good idea to at least listen to them. You don't have to neglect your baby, but it is okay to ask for help...it is okay even to make baby wait sometimes...five, ten minutes, isn't going to torture your baby...but it might tire him out and get him the much needed rest he is fighting...and you too.

Good luck, it is such a difficult age..but it only lasts so long. Don't forget about your other loved ones in the process though.