Sunday, September 02, 2007

I'm... meh

I've been lax on journaling. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm... depressed? I'm not sure but I feel that way a bit.

Lately I've been feeling the finality of Jeff's sterility. I don't "want" more children but I'm feeling the finality of not ever having that choice again. I was okay with it 10 months ago but not so much now. Not that there is anything that we would do or can be done. I feel our family is complete. But mommy amnesia has set in and I can only remember all the good things about being pregnant and having a newborn ;)

I'm dealing. I'm hoping this stage does not last long. I should have waited until now to get my dog ;)

The house is great. It's a dream. Our first mortgage payment came out and now we're officially on the poverty program ;)

Phoenix is back in cloth. He seems to tolerate being a bit wet much better than he used to and now that he is not quite so hating diaper changes and is willing to sit a tiny bit still, it's easier to get a snappi on him without impaling his penis and testicles.

School starts on tuesday... I'm ready but am I "ready?"

I need to let my feelings go to the Goddess and just trust that everything will work out.

2 comments:

Robyn said...

*hugs* i totally understand. that finality is a hard thing to take. i'm not sure i'm going to handle it well when the time comes.

Charlene said...

I know, I had the same feelings too, when Guy had his thing done....sometimes I fantasize about "maybe it did not work"(he never did follow up on it...)but I know that is insanity...
Still, bringing babes into the world is an amazing thing. Sometimes I wonder how my older two would be if they were appreciated as live miracles more...as the attachment issues from their early days comes home with us all the time. There is knowing....but perhaps it is more, like a stage of life passing....
Bringing life into the world is so primal. Bringing new items or projects are similar in gestation, but in a way, feeling life move...within....is the closest we come to being the goddess as women.

(Of course, in my case, I noticed also that this life "had a mind of its own...too.)