Let them be little

I LOVE this song by Lonestar. It was part of a photo montage that Madeline's Kindy teacher did at the end of the year... it's good remember that they are just little and they are little only once... so when they are screaming at 4 am, whining incessantly and generally annoying the living heck out of you... take a deep breath. Hold them close. Give them a kiss.... and remember that this too shall pass... and sooner than you want.

Let them be Little

I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand
Felt so good in it, no bigger than a minute
How it amazes me, you're changing with every blink
Faster than a flower blooms they grow up all too soon

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh just let them be little

I've never felt so much in one little tender touch
I live for those kisses, prayers and your wishes
Now that you're teaching me things only a child can see
Every night while we're on our knees all I ask is please

Let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh just let them be little

So innocent, a precious soul, you turn around
It's time to let them go

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh just let them be little

Let them be little

my life

is not very exciting I guess... but it's mine.

Last night we had a wonderful thanksgiving dinner that I didn't have to cook ;) Surrounded by friends (that are basically family) and my children and love of my life. We stayed far too late watching movies, snuggling a puglet, tell stories... stuffing ourselves silly (well Robyn and I did anyways.)

Today it's house maintenance day. Outside of the house maintenance. Jeff got up on the roof and attempted to fix it. Then he weed hacked, and is currently mowing while I'm on the deck with my lap top. The girls and Loki are playing the shed and running around and Phoenix is sleeping.

We have a very healthy lawn. It was last moved in the beginning of August and with getting moved in, settled and whatnot, Jeff just never got to it again. It was very tall. And very very green. It's very very healthy :) Which is nice because our last lawn sucked ass and was mostly crab grass.

My house interior is messy... ish. I'm deciding not to care today. At the very least the laundry is almost all caught up. Take that maytag.

We have to replace the CV joint (right one) on the van. I'm hoping to sweet talk Mike into helping Jeff. We just can't swing 90$/hour for shop time right now. We own a house... but we're broke ;) Hey at least we have equity right???

My dog is now chasing jeff as he drags a falled tree into the back greenbelt. cool. Okay now he's trying to escape ;)

It's cold. I should put on a sweater. But I won't.

hmm... disjointed much?

where did I go?

the woman who wanted to be a lawyer, travel the world, have rampant sex any time of the day with the love of her life?

who did the swingin thang? Who partied the night away in clubs? who could attend any concert any time?

who swore she would never have kids? who rebelled against any form of commitment?

she's been replaced...

by someone who wants to be a midwife, loves long drives while her children sleep in the back seat, has quiet but still mind blowing sex on the couch... after the kids are in bed ;)

by someone who can't imagine sharing her man. Who parties the evening away at pagan family friendly events. Who's idea of a good concert is "big comfy couch"

by someone who laments the fact that her baby making days are over. who nurses her babies until the wean. who has made the ultimate commitment for her family.

I've changed.

I've grown.

I've matured.

I can't imagine doing anything else, being anywhere else or being ANYONE ELSE.

I love who I am.

I love my life.

I'm me... and for the first time in my life it's right where I want to be.

HE'S WALKING!!!!!

and it's so freaking adorable!

I put him down while on the phone with jeff and he took 6 steps. Then a bunch of steps at LLL tonight. Then he walked like four or five times at Roses!

He WALKS!!!

That is all :)

Is it true? Could it be?

Olivia Sporting her "first day of school" outfit :)

Madeline in her "first day of school" outfit

Phoenix sporting his... new teeth? Smile? Cuteness?

Emma (Maddy's friend) Madeline and Olivia outside M's school on the first day

Am I actually becoming a *gasp* morning person????

I guess that's what happens when you get up every single day at 7am and start falling asleep at 10:30 (yes 10:30... don't have a heart attack... I'm serious!)

I'm sitting here with my breakfast, listening to Chuck Berry while Olivia does some serious "Happy Feeting"

I'm back, a poopy diaper to change, a baby to get dressed and washed. I lead an exciting life. I should go run and put diapers in the wash as well.

Maddy's at school. Lunch is packed (pizza, apples, granola bar and banana for snack) and Olivia has school at 1. Jeff and I are actually going to take Phoenix and go do some birthday prep stuff. With just one child. We may get a wee bit giddy with the freedom ;) (great now he obviously was not done filling his pants cause he's crappy again...)

Yesterday I had my three kids, three daycare kids and then Maddy's friend. I must thrive on chaos ;) I find when there are that many they just tend to keep one another amused. We come home, have a snack (yesterday was fruit salad and juice) all homework gets done, homework gets invented for those that come without and silent/out loud reading takes place. THEN they get to play for about an hour and it's go home time. I LOVE afterschool care.

Olivia is sitting beside me saying "mommy, mommy, change Phoenix. No time for writing... change Phoenix! Changing!" I may have to kill her. Now Phoenix is driving his car on Liv's chair so she took off. These are the sounds of my morning...

I miss my Madeline. I enjoy the quiet but I miss her.

My sister is? hopefully? coming home for Christmas. Oh gawd she'd better. I need her here right now.

We're having a small party for Maddy's birthday day at my mom's on saturday. That reminds me I have to call Aunty Gail and my grandma. Then the big waterslide party at Ester's on the 22nd.

Well poopy diapers wait for no woman and it will just get stinkier the longer I wait. If I'm not back in 10 call the emt's kay?

but first... some new pics ;)

another day

Phoenix is having a heck of a time with his sleep tonight. He's been up about 5 times in the last 2 hours and we have NO idea what is wrong. So we've given him Motrin and we're crossing our fingers.

Maddy's lunch is made; organic pb and strawberry jam pinwheels on whole wheat tortilla, whole yogurt with honey, cinnamon and vanilla extract and orange flavoured craisens with watered down orange juice to drink. Banana for snack. I wish I made lunches for myself like I do for her ;)

I have two extra day care kids tomorrow. I love a house full.

On Friday I somehow managed to collect three extra kids on the way home. Caitlin (our one after school kid) Maddy, Liv, Phoenix and I were going to watch a very family friendly movie and eat our snack downstairs, then Maddy wanted Emma to come so I invited her (such a sweet kid with a wonderful mother), then Kendra (another grade one girl but in the K-1 split) overheard and I got guilted into inviting her... THEN our old next door neighbor Danica asked to come. We had a blast, the kids had a great time and Jeff hid upstairs ;) I have a feeling I'll always be the one with all the kids over at their house. I guess I'm just not afraid of having that many kids over. I find it fun :)

Ballet/song and dance are back in full force. Not much to report there. We planned it for the girls to have the same teacher as last year as we adore her :)

I made a roast chicken in the crockpot today so it could cook while we were out. Neither Jeff nor I are feeling well (head colds coming on) so it was an easyish type day. Did a bit of shopping and came home. Got Phoenix some new rice noodles and gluten free cereal (Gorilla crunch by envirokidz) and the girls some lunch things.

Well I should help jeff fold the laundry ... oops... he's done ;) Shucks ;)

My stock is finished (soup tomorrow) and the bread machine is almost done it's thing. I think I may have the hang of this suzie homemaker crap after all ;)

Instant Karma...

Oh how I love the mysterious and wonderful ways that the Goddess works... whatever good you put into this world comes back to you threefold. Whatever bad you put into this world comes back to you threefold...

remember the post where I said my inlaws backed down on a promise yet again? Well the sale of their house just fell through.

Karma's a bitch ain't it?

Planning a sixth birthday party...

SIX!!! I can't believe my teeny blonde blue eyed chubby baby is going to be six in 12 days! She's so tall with hair down to her waist and these muscled little dancer legs. She can read, do simple math, clean her room... she is way too young to be six and in grade one.

Esters Inn is the setting for the party. September 15th. Rose just informed me that her crew (them, Mike, Robyn and the kids) will be gone camping again. But if we got our tent trailer fixed would could go! Ummm... no. It will be cold. Probably rainy and yah. We're having a party. And she'll be gone. As usual ;)

So I guess it will be Madeline, Emma, Kaitlyn, Brianna, Caitlyn, Madison and Elisabeth. Olivia too of course, though she won't have a friend there... maybe we should invite Kathrine and Caroline? We'll see. So I'm booking the party Room and the kids will have two glorious hours to do those water slides just as many times as their little legs will ;) We'll have cupcakes, ice pops, juice, snacks and fun! I'll invite my mom and grandmother but I doubt they'll show up. I guess it will just be Maddy's friends, Jean, Jeff and I. I know they'll have a blast.

For goody bags I'm thinking a craft kit in each bag, a princess crown and some chocolate candies (Sundrops that are made with natural dyes, like M&M's.)

Madeline wants a pretend cash register, baby stroller, new baby and a Pucci Pup. She also wants a princess "polly pocket" type doll. I think maybe Olivia will get that for her. I found a cute Graco umbrella stroller for $9, the cash register for $19 and the new baby set for $22. I think we'll ix nay on the pup. She'll get some new clothes and a book or two to round it out.

Just got out of a very relaxing hot tub with Jeff. I think I'll go jump him while his defenses are down ;)

pysch...

So part of the reason that we chose to buy THIS house instead of buying the one that we were already living in that my inlaws owned was that we would receive money from the sale of the home. I won't go into huge details but basically they would give us the down payment for this place and then promised us more after their house sold and we would save that as a financial buffer. We informed them of this plan and they applauded us for being fiscally responsible...

Fast forward to today. They just informed us that there will be no more money forthcoming. So we spent more money on a house, spent money moving AND increased our mortgage by $400 a month on the promise of having an additional "X" amount of dollars in the bank and now it's not coming.

Now them backing down on their promises is nothing new so I shouldn't be surprised. It is what it is. However I am still disappointed.

The girls have not SEEN Jeff's mom since January. They are coming to visit on September 18th. They'll arrive that evening and are only staying until saturday morning. 3 days. Nice. They won't stay here and we probably will not see much of them at all.

Once again... it is what it is.

I am very grateful for what they have given us. We would not have been able to purchase a house without their help. However for the small amount they gave us, we helped them make $140,000 over the last three years by living in their rental and allowed them to acquire equity on it.

I'll just stop... I sound like a whiny little bitch.

I'm... meh

I've been lax on journaling. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm... depressed? I'm not sure but I feel that way a bit.

Lately I've been feeling the finality of Jeff's sterility. I don't "want" more children but I'm feeling the finality of not ever having that choice again. I was okay with it 10 months ago but not so much now. Not that there is anything that we would do or can be done. I feel our family is complete. But mommy amnesia has set in and I can only remember all the good things about being pregnant and having a newborn ;)

I'm dealing. I'm hoping this stage does not last long. I should have waited until now to get my dog ;)

The house is great. It's a dream. Our first mortgage payment came out and now we're officially on the poverty program ;)

Phoenix is back in cloth. He seems to tolerate being a bit wet much better than he used to and now that he is not quite so hating diaper changes and is willing to sit a tiny bit still, it's easier to get a snappi on him without impaling his penis and testicles.

School starts on tuesday... I'm ready but am I "ready?"

I need to let my feelings go to the Goddess and just trust that everything will work out.

Phew

We're moved. We moved in on friday and JUST NOW as of about three minutes ago have the whole house unpacked and ready to go. The kids do have a couple of boxes that they have to sort through and jeff has to do his room and put together the outside kids stuff but other than that... DONE!

The rec room was a HUGE job. Three nights we worked down here. The built in shelving is wonderful and is packed with the kids stuff and dvd's, puzzles, games, toys, crafts etc. It's so nice to have a place for everything! You would never be able to tell that I probably gave away close to half of our stuff. I'm going to keep decluttering and giving away things until I am satisfied :)

So tomorrow Jeff goes to the old house to clean, pack up the final couple things and steam clean the carpets. The girls and I are going to Jean's for Elisabeth's birthday party sleepover... well actually Olivia is coming home with daddy and Maddy, Phoenix and I are sleeping over. I know she wants to stay but she gets scared and then horrible during sleep over times.

I'm tired. I'm going to have a glass of wine and hit the hay.

A picture post!

Do you mind? I just woke up!

So pretty!

Rockin the new glasses :)

Cutest baby EVAH! You will bend to my mind powers...

Yes mama?

A baby profile :)

HUGE rant ahead

can we just be fucking moved and settled and DONE already???

From the minute the kids woke up they have been fighting.

-don't let phoenix in my room...
-PHOENIX GET OUT OF MY ROOM
-MOM GET PHOENIX OUT OF MY ROOM."

-mom she hit me
-no i didn't
-yes you DID!
-it was just a little tap
-NO YOU WHACKED ME ACROSS THE FACE WITH THE TELEPHONE
-just a little bit
-MOM! MADELINE'S LYING!
-MOM! OLIVIA'S A CRYBABY!

-Girls. I am putting Phoenix to bed. Please eat your lunch, leave the dog alone and be quiet...
*loud shouting, running around the kitchen, dog barking incessantly, kids screaming at one another ensues...*

I promptly LOSE MY MIND and shout at the kids to "get in their rooms" and then rant and rave at jeff about the kids the second he walks through the door.

THEN! Jeff goes to work and I find a giant puddle of DOG PISS at the end of the hallway! Nice! So then I go to get the dog and he pisses ALL DOWN THE HALLWAY, ALL OVER ME, ALL OVER THE ALREADY PISSED ON SPOT. I am going to shoot the dog... well I would if I had a gun that is.

The house is fucking trashed. We're moving in two days. Nothing ever gets FINISHED. We do bits of something, move to the next thing, do a bit there... move on again. I just want it done. I AM DONE.

We have to go sign papers today at the lawyers and the monster children have to come with us. OH WHAT FUN. Just fucking shoot me now.

house crap

So most of you know we're buying a new house

http://www.propertyguys.com/listings...p?propid=12862

and it's getting close to the date that all the subjects get taken off (August 1st).

Our mortgage was approved. CMHC (mortgage insurance guys) approved us on the condition that the house appraisal come to asking price or over. So we've been waiting on pins and needles to see if we could get the appraisal guys over there before the 1st and they can go tomorrow! So tomorrow afternoon (if the numbers are good) we'll be faxed our papers and we take possession on the 9th with a move in date of the 10th!

Our mortgage broker seems to think they'll be no problem with the value of the house and that is reassuring.

So now we wait ... lol. The house we're in right now http://www.mls.ca/PropertyDetails.as...ertyID=6010218 has had quite a few viewings and of course since my in-laws are giving us money from the sale of it, it's in our best interest for them to get top dollar.

So I'm here. I'm busy packing and stressing...

Okay I lied...

more point form it is.

*still cleaning. Remax lady is coming at 11 tomorrow morning to take pics. Right now we've done... the laundry room except the floors, rec room except the floors, downstairs bath except the floors, upstairs bath except the floors, all the bedrooms, living room, dining room, entrance, kitchen from top to bottom. We're finishing the floors tonight. Doing our bedroom quickly in the morning and doing a top to bottom vacuum in the morning. A good thorough house cleaning takes about 12 hours to do well. Phew.

*went and saw my mom tonight. She had a couple good cries. We talked for hours. I feel very close to her right now. She has not smoked for two days and I am so proud of her. I am so very glad that I didn't move away due to Jeff's work and can be here for her.

*(I'm back... had to nurse Phoenix)

*It's still blowing my ever loving mind that we're getting this house. I mean I guess technically the deal could fall through but I doubt it. The papers are at the lawyers, the contract was faxed to our mortgage guy and there is nothing else to do but wait for the financing to come through. Since we were preapproved it's not a worry.

*August 10th. Holy shit.

*We're still planning on going on vacation if you can believe it! I'm hoping it happens.

*wow I'm tired.

Taking a massive dump...

of my brain that is ;) Point form which I know is annoying but these things need to leave.

*so so so so so fucking worried about my mother's surgery tomorrow at 11:30. I wish I could be there at the hospital with her. I know she wants me to stay home with my babes but the urge to be there and hold her hand is strong.

*Jean and her kids are coming tomorrow to keep me company while I sit and wait. I didn't ask her to come but she offered. I'll take the offer.

*Tomorrow night Rose will take all three kids so jeff and I can go to the hospital to see my mom. This will be the first time I've left Phoenix with anyone but Jeff.

*the real estate agent is coming on friday to take pictures of the house. I'm freaking. I wanted more time to declutter and depersonalize. So tonight Jeff took down all the kids art work, pictures and anything personal. We shit kicked the rec room. I piled a huge amount of stuff to give away in the middle, took two garbage bags of junk out, recycled a giant box of paper... Then jeff did the hutch, I did most of the bookshelf and he did the rest (oh I am SO GOING TO LOVE the built in shelving in the rec room). He's going to bring up all the stuff to give away and all the freecycled stuff that should be picked up tomorrow and we should be good to go.

*tomorrow night is floor cleaning, laundry room cleaning, kitchen scrubbing, room tidying... I am so going to HATE keeping this house clean for the next three weeks while trying to pack. I wonder if I pack everything RIGHT NOW and just let them have clothes and tell them to play outside for the next month that I would be considered a bad mom? ;)

*I'm tired tired tired. In the midst of legal calls, calls to the buyer, calls to jeff, calls from Rose... I had four little girls PLUS my best friend Robyn and her two kids come over to play. It was busy but good.

*Oh and we're buying the sellers couch and love seat and her bedroom set (with double bed, headboard, side table, mirror and dresser) apparently... even though I don't really think it's all that cool for a six year old. Hmmm...

le sigh.

I think I'm done.

because I don't have enough stress in my life...

---

We are putting an offer on a house. TOMORROW. I'm freaking out. Mostly freaking out because this is not our money (jeff's parent's are giving us $20,000 for a down payment) so we have to wait for money transfers for the deposit, house inspection, lawyer...

Also freaking out because we are the first to look at this house and she also had three people lined up for tomorrow night. We need to get her this money asap!!!!

This is the house http://www.propertyguys.com/listings...p?propid=12862

It's a dream. Seriously. Fuck I don't have enough drama in my life I have to choose this time to buy a house!

So we phoned her tonight, offered her a $1000 deposit and we go tomorrow afternoon at 1pm to sign papers!!!! OMG!

eeeeekkkk!

My mom (Debbie) and dad (Kem) this past Yule time.

She has her surgery on Thursday to remove her breast, a chunk of her liver and her lymph nodes. She's in stage IV breast cancer. Please send all the healing thoughts you can manage.

swingsets amoung other things...

My parents bought my kids a metal swingset this weekend. It has two slides, a trapeze bar, glider and a slide. They LOVE it. Both mornings now as soon as I get up I am confronted by Madeline.

"Mommy... I'm dressed, I ate breakfast and I cleaned up the living room. Can I go outside?"

That was at about 9:30. It's 12:45. They've been in to pee, request a picnic lunch for themselves and Danica (the next door 10 year old), pick up the lunch and then ask if they could go for a walk.

I was dreaded summer because? I never freaking SEE my kids! lol! And before anyone gets all up in arms... my back yard is completely fenced. I keep all my windows and doors open. They are not allowed to go anywhere else without asking me. The neighbors on BOTH sides are always out and would instantly alert me to anyone weird if I didn't see them. We're all good ;) We live in a nice neighborhood and the only reason they are allowed out for a walk right now is because they are with Danica.

Phoenix is down for a nap. He's uber bitchy today. Olivia has a doctor's appointment to check out her hip at 1:45. I think I'll just get Jeff to take her and that way Phoenix can nap for as long as he wishes. Madeline is going over to Emma's later today (sometime after 2:30) so I think Liv and I will do some puzzles, workbooks and maybe let her play on the computer.

I'm not so patiently waiting for my mother to get a call from her doctor. She had her liver and lung x-rays on friday and we're waiting for the results. They need those back before her mastectomy. If she does have cancer in both that puts her at stage IV breast cancer. The 5 year survival rate for that is 20%. :(

The waiting and not knowing is the hardest.

We went for a hot dog roast and bonfire at their place last night. Gail, Tom, Sue, Bob, Debbie and Grandma M were all there. We had a great time. It was nice to just talk and laugh.

We're heading out tonight for some house viewings. Cross fingers we find something we want!

my mom's biopsies came back...

and it's not good news. She has a very aggressive form of breast cancer. Tomorrow she goes for x-rays on her lungs and liver. They'll do surgery to take off her right breast within the week. At that time they'll also biopsy her lymph nodes. After her surgery she'll begin chemotherapy.

I'm freaking out. Big time. I don't know what to do or say. I just want to hide in my bed and cry for a week :(