sigh...

Can this be done yet? Seriously?

I'd been happy over the fact that my vaginal bleeding was so minimal and was looking like it might subside very soon! So we're heading out yesterday afternoon to pick up Olivia's birthday pressies when I step over the threshhold of the house, feel a pop, feel two objects slide out between my legs and then proceed to hemmorage all over the driveway. I was soaked with blood to my knee's within seconds. I yelled to jeff to call 911, he led me over to the grass and got me laying down, got a blanket for me and sat with me.

The ambulance was here within minutes. They assesed me in the driveway and then took me to the er with sirens blazing. I was taken into a room almost immediately where they started ANOTHER FUCKING IV (like I have not had enough of needles) did some blood work (again with the needles) and hooked me up to every machine known to man. At one point my blood pressure crashed but it came back up... I guess I was in shock?

By the time they did the exam the bleeding had really slowed down. They figure that I probably have a uterine infection. The concerning thing now is that on my right side I have a fist sized hard lump right around where my uterus is I think... they didn't check that out yesterday so I am going in to see my dr at 2pm today and we'll figure out what is going on.

I'm scared.

I'm scared it's going to happen again.

I'm scared I'll bleed out in the middle of the night.

I'm just... scared...

You know.. childbirth just SHOULD NOT BE LIKE THIS. I know this is what had to happen... I know. But it just sucks.

Jeff has an appointment with our family dr for 1:15 today to discuss his vasectomy. I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT go through another pregnancy. I just can't do it. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to jeff and it's not fair to our kids.

Sigh... scared.