Dance Festival!

Well we got a surprise phone call today from Maddy's ballet teacher Tina... their group was chosen to take part in the "Gala Event" tonight (the best of the best). Wonderful news! Perhaps a bit more notice would have been nice...

There were 30 acts tonight. Ballet, jazz, tap, highland, modern... So much fun! So much talent!!! Kids from 5-17 ... very cool. Maddy's group was the ONLY group chosen that was under the age of 10 years! Most of them were at least 12 and up. So cool! And we got to see their adjudication sheet and they scored 83/100. We are so very proud :)

Pictures! (no flash photography allowed during the performance.. so it's all before and after)

Madeline after the performance, making a very strange pose

Sitting on the stage after the performance

Backstage in the gym... one final practice (the purple haired girl is a stand in)

Morgan, Cameron, Madeline and Molly all posing so pretty

Madeline and her ballet Teacher Miss. Tina

A pre-show pose

Gorgeous ringlets. This is what 1.5 hours gets you folks!

Stage Make-up. I swear to you... she really is only just 5!

Just... drained.

I can honestly say that this has been one of the most emotionally and spiritually draining days of my life. I can't say when I've felt this horrible before... I think an all time low has been hit.

But then I had to suck it all up and put on a happy face for Madeline and her spring dance festival. Their group took first for "Let's go fly a kite" in large group, demi character 8 and under. I'm proud of her. She danced wonderfully, behaved impeccably and had a wonderful wonderful time. My mom and dad, grandmother and cousin Sadie showed up to watch. I'm glad she had some supporters. It was very important to her that people be there to cheer her on.

I'm going to eat some french onion soup and go to bed. I may not get up again ever... if I have to have another day like this.

wow....

I had my healing/reading and cleansing with Carmen St. Pierre yesterday http://www.amrasspirit.com/index.htm It was fantastic!!!!

Many of the details are far too personal for me to post to a public site (and the people who need to know already know) but I will say that it was a life altering experience. I'm uplifted spiritually and emotionally and even physically.

I am starting a new weightloss journey today as well. More exercise, less snack foods at night, more getting real with myself. Everyday in every way I am getting thinner and thinner and thinner. I feel as if I can really do this... I am in charge of my body and all I need is will power. I have a ton of will power (no fat jokes please ;) ) and succeed at almost everything that I do. So why should this be any different?

Well off to shop and get stuff done while Madeline at at rehersal. The spring dance festival is tomorrow for her and she's very very excited :)

Ouch...

Whine... I have a massive massive headache. Bad to the point where it's hurting to look at the computer screen. I just want my baby to go to sleep... but to get him to do that I have to nurse him... and right now that idea is making my skin crawl. I don't want to be touched, I want to sleep. For hours and hours.

I'm worried... my sister has been feeling uber crappy for months now and upon seeing a doctor today for an MRI was informed that she has three spots on her brain. Mostly likely MS or Lupus. I've NEVER heard her more upset. I kept it together long enough to get off the phone and then lost it :( I just want my sister home so I can take care of her, snuggle with Kylee and lend some support.

Blah. What a day.

:)

The sun is shining, Olivia's at preschool, Maddy's watching tv and Phoenix is sleeping. The puppy is chewing a bone and the cats are snoozing. Almost all caught up on laundry and my kitchen is clean. Maddy is mostly over her red food dye induced insanity and while Phoenix did wake every two hours to nurse last night, he was in bed from 12 midnight to almost 11am and didn't spend any time screaming.

So it's a good day. I'm heading over to superstore tonight to pick up some of that 5 hpt stuff that Robyn got for depression. I need it to help keep me on an even keel. I actually got my period today so that explains some of my mood for the past week... I need to find a way to take some more time for myself. Whether it's a nightly walk, shopping with friends or just reading in my room for a portion of every night with no kids around.

I started with "the sun is shining" and I'll end with ...

THE SUN IS SHINING.

Is it possible?

That my baby is just truly this bitchy?

He sleeps well for three nights and then pulls a week of 5 hour total sleep nights where he's screaming, bitching and whining at me for the rest of the time. I can't leave the room or he loses it, even if someone else is holding him and there is nothing physically wrong with him. I can't go pee without taking him, brush my hair without holding him, make a sandwich without bringing him into the kitchen. He can no longer sit on the floor and play with his toys... he has to sit either right beside me on the couch or on me while whining the entire time. Daddy is not cutting it either. He's happy with jeff for about two seconds before screaming for me.

I know he's teething... and he still has this snotty nose (I think we're going on a month now?) I wonder if he has another ear infection? I dunno. He was so gassy and crampy last night again... I think it could have been the large amounts of cheese that I ate. Oh fuck I don't know. I want to take him to the doctors again over this food issue of his but all I'm going to hear is "let him cry" and "he'll just have to learn to deal." Gawd I'm so tired of this fussy fussy fussy baby.

Madeline is STILL DRIVING ME NUCKING FUTS! She's being hyper, rude, mean... listens to nothing I say. It sounds food related but who knows... I don't know what else she could have got into. I'm SO TIRED OF DEALING WITH HER. Jeff just reminded me that she had popcorn at the dog agility show yesterday that was yellow. Fucking hell. GAWD I'M SO TIRED OF THIS.

Olivia is fine. She's mellow and a love. Can I sell my other two and just keep her? Don't tell my other kids I said that.

So yah yesterday we went to the dog agility trials and took Mr. Loki to check out the scene. He made friends with a female agility Pem, two Bernese Mountain dogs and two Nova Scotia Duck Tolling retrievers. I got to talk to tons of people and get info about how to get started. It was in the agriplex and it was lots of fun. Loki was a hit with everyone and we had all the kids (and most of the adults) come up to ask if they could pet him at some point. LOL!

I'm stoked about May long weekend in Lac La Hache. We're taking our tent trailer, my best friend and her hubby just bought a truck and camper so neither of us have to tent it! Yayyy! We've decided we'll drink beer, play cards and act like our parents did when we were kids (minus the pot smoking ;) ) It will be nice to have a place to cook and a heater. A roof over our heads and a bed not on the ground.

Well bitchy baby is getting even bitchier (is that possible?) Should go boob him.

Footprint

I was thinking tonight (while nursing my babe down to sleep at 2 am) about what it means to be pagan in regards to our footprint on this earth. Obviously part of being pagan and choosing this path is my devotion to nature and to the Mother Goddess and a huge part of what it means to be pagan (to me) is how to preserve our earth and ensure that it is here and clean for future generations.

It's funny because when I was led to the Pagan path (4 years ago) I realized that in my heart and with my actions I already WAS Pagan. I was Wiccan in my soul for a long time before I became aware. Becoming a parent strengthened my resolution to make a difference in our waste management and to become healthier not only spiritually but physically. We cloth diaper (three kids now and very little disposable diapers to last for the next 500 years in our landfill), breastfeed (no formula cans to dispose of, nor toxic plastic bottles to feed our babies with) babywear with slings and wraps (no plastic non-biodegradable strollers to clutter the garbage dumps) and use very little in the way of baby "gadgets" (no swings, exersaucers etc to hang around for a long time after our babes are grown.)

We eat natural foods in as close to their natural state as possible and buy locally whenever we can. We eat organic local meat to ensure that animals are being treated fairly. We use ecologically friendly cleaners and personal hygiene items. Recycle, Freecycle and donate. Drive a vehicle that is good on gas and buy pre-loved.

What about you? How important is being friendly to the earth for you? Is it part of your pagan path? Is it something you think about?

Why?

Edited to remove very large rant about a very tired husband... who really did not deserve to be ranted about.

I may have no other option...

I just might have to sell Madeline to the gypsies.

As a little PSA... no name chocolate puddings DO NOT SAY they have food dyes in them... but they have food dyes in them. Trust me. This is the only thing different in her diet and she's been a fucking pyschopath for the past two days.

She got up this morning, woke up her sister. Then chased her around the house until she screamed. Then ran screaming down the hallway and woke up Phoenix. I got up and walked into the living room to find CEREAL spread EVERYWHERE! She apparently took handfulls of cereal out of her bowl and threw it around the room.

Okay at this point I point to her and tell her to go to her room. I tell her she can come out when she's 18. For the next couple hours she continues to yell "when can I come OUT! when can I come OUT!" So then she had to stay in her room until lunch. I did let her out afterwards... until she took a teddy bear, whacked phoenix in the chest with it and he fell backwards knocking his head on the floor. Back in her room...

repeat this sequence (with different bad/out of character actions) all afternoon.

She was in bed by 7:30.

Thank Fuck.

Yum!

The girls and I are chillin out with our afternoon smoothie. Today it's organic whole milk, strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, bananas, raw honey and one organic raw egg. It's soooo good!!! All the berries were of the frozen variety and so it's nice and frosty cold.

Phoenix is napping. I took him in the bedroom, changed his diaper, nursed him for 10 minutes... he kept doing the latch on latch off thing so I flipped him over, rubbed his back for a bit and he passed out! Sweet!

It's a freaking blizzard outside. Winds up to 50km/hour. Nice. Snowing and blowing. When the fuck is spring going to be here??? I want to replant my garden, watch my iris's bloom, reseed the lawn. ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE DAMN SNOW! /rant

I've got Mother Goose tonight. I'm looking forward to it. It's our second to last session of the winter season and then we break for a couple weeks for spring break. I wonder what attendance will be like?

I gave Loki a good grooming, cleaned his ears and clipped his nails. I like his nails uber short (like hidden in the fur short) and he just lays on his back with his four little paws waving in the air. It's adorable! Oh and Jeff got informed by a woman at the library yesterday that he HAVE to clicker train and that if your puppy is not totally trained in all areas by the time they are three months then they never will be. Ummm. Okay. Can you say fruit cake?

We put in Madeline's scholatic book order today. I got some sweet books!!! I love how cheap they all are! I went a little wild ;) Oh well it's for the good of the school right?

Well I'm going to put a movie on the for kids and have a wee nap.

Coffee anyone?

Well Jeff and I finally made it to a pagan coffee meet... we never usually go because I don't want to have to ask Rose to babysit (she babysits her other grandkids often enough) but I thought I'd ask her anyways. It's been since before Christmas the last time that Jeff and I got out together without the girls (the babe was with us of course.)

We met one other member there and chatted the night away. We headed back to get the girls at around 10:30 but ended up staying and visiting till 11:30!!! I was chatting with Rose about her daughter Michelle... apparently she feels unnapreciated and unloved. I'm not sure why... I know I have been enjoying her company when she is around and I make an effort to include her in conversations.

Phoenix is still up and getting his diaper changed. I'm crossing fingers that he sleeps after this.

This is basically a nothing post... I don't have much to say apparently!

hrmmm...

I had a disturbing conversation with my sister tonight...

She explained that she's "read all the research" and if they ever have a son they'll still circumcise him... Well my darling sister please read some more on this subject.. please?

http://noharmm.org/home.htm

is a good place to start. I can't even fathom thinking that a part of your baby boy needs to be cut off :( It can interfere with breastfeeding, it can lead to DEATH in some cases. It's an elective surgery... ELECTIVE.

It's late and I need sleep... please do some more reading?

I hab a cowd

Blerg. I am ill. I have a cold. It's the same cold thats been threatening me all week but finally hit. Blerg.

I'm also very hungover... I never ever drink. In fact that last time I got drunk was almost two years ago! But Robyn and I decided we were going to nurse our babes, put them to bed and drink. And so we did. A bunch of beer, case of coolers and case of Mudslides later...

Blerg. My head is pounding. We had a great time though. We talked straight for 6 hours, laughed our asses off and bonded more big time. Now if only we could remember the night? ;)

Jeff steam cleaned the carpets tonight. Loki promptly barfed front and center in the living room. Jeff asked to let the cats up but you just know they'll drag their asses everywhere because they know the carpet has just been done.

We bought Loki two new stuffies today (from VV) a rope bone, a rope and nylon frisbee and a pack of tennis balls. We made the score of the century at Value village... two pewter goblets that are from Birks originally with the original price tags on them. We paid $6 for the pair... they were $95 each!!! Sweet :)

Well Jeff is watching Open Season... again. Phoenix went to bed at 8:30pm and I'm about have a nap on the couch :)

Long long long long LONG day

I need quiet. Lots of quiet.

Phoenix waiting until I got into bed last night at 2am and decided that no... he was not in fact interested in sleeping at all and that yes... he was going to bug me until I got up with him.

So Phoenix and I watched 30 minute meals, 90210 (yes it's on at 3am) and then Mad about You. He finally nursed back to sleep again at 4:30am!

I took Loki out for a pee, snuggled him a bit then crated him and curled up on the couch expecting to be awoken at any second by the fiend...

9am rolled around... He slept for 4.5 hours IN A ROW!!!! A ROW!!!!!! wow. Then I curled into bed with him and we slept until noon. And then the day started. We went to...
M&M meats for chicken and frozen berries. Ospika pet and farm supplies for Innova EVO to supplement his chicken backs and hearts. Another place for cat litter. We then hit Shoppers Wholesale for organic fruits and veggies. Lunch and dropped frozen foods off, I nursed and changed Phoenix and then back on the road. Olivia, Phoenix (in the babyhawk) and I shopped at Superstore for the next hour and a half. FINALLY we came home. Fed the kids and relaxed... for about an hour.

Jeff took the girls and went to pick up our order from our local Metaphysical store and then picked up stuff from Ave Maria (health food store) for me. Came home, picked up fiend and I and we went to the mall to exchange Jeff's shorts and look for Jassy's birthday pressie. She wanted Dusty the talking vacuum... not at superstore, not at zellers...

So at 9pm we all headed up to Hell*Mart where we FINALLY located a talking vacuum. Purchased said vacuum and came home. It's now 10pm and we've been on the road since 1pm. Got the kids into bed. Jeff and I finally ate. Played with the very neglected today puppy and did some cleaning.

Phoenix is STILL AWAKE but ready to be nursed and put to sleep I think. I hope.

Tomorrow is parent viewing day at ballet so I get to sit through back to back classes with both girls. Then Jassy's birthday party and we stay until jeff gets off work at 5:45. Then a family night movie with the kids.

Sunday... sunday we relax hopefully.

I'm all alone...

Well Jeff is here too... but all three kids were IN BED and ASLEEP by 9:40 tonight. That's a record... that has not happened anytime in the last two months. Yay!

We have a loverly dinner tonight at a chinese buffet. I had two plates and I am STILL stuffed 7 hours later. The girls enjoyed an assortment of fries, shrimp, chow mein and sushi... yep sushi.

Olivia loves sushi. She loves the nori (seaweed), the rice the fish... she loves it all. She gobbled down all that jeff had shared with her and then wanted her own plate full of sushi. So imagine if you will a teeny little pixie baby walking through a restaurant with a plate full of sushi, exclaiming to anyone that will listen that she "looooves sushi!" Adorable. Phoenix ate his toes and his toys and Madeline munched oodles of noodles. Everyone that walked by had to admire our children (and probably marvelled at how well behaved they were!) and that was nice :)

After dinner we took our kids to (ssshhhh) Mcdonalds for some ice cream and so they could play in playland. They had a great time and got to shake some sillies out. We went to Zeller's after and bought a new toilet seat (wahoo) with a built in potty seat (super wahoo) and then came home.

Loki and Frodo chased eachother in cirles around the house while I talked to my sister (who incidentally is NEVER COMING HOME ;) ) It goes something like this... Loki chases Frodo, F stops, hisses and keeps running, L barks, F spats, L playbows and the chase is on. All night... You would think they would eventually get tired of this game... nope!

Well Jeff is asleep on the couch and I just took his picture. Today is a ditl day!

Thursday is a day...

Now who could not love that little face!!!

I've had decent sleep for three nights in a row. THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW! He's had no solid food for six days in a row... noticing a correlation?

Last night he went to bed at 10:20pm. Nursed at 1:20am, 4:15am, 7:15am and 9:45am. Notice the three hour stretches there? THREE HOUR STRETCHES! Rockin dude! He wakes slightly, grunts, latches on, switches sides, passes out. I'm not sure he even really wakes up! Heaven. Really. Heaven heaven heaven. Oh I like him soooo much more than I did last week ;)

Madeline got her report card. She did awesome and showed improvement on her sharing skills. She's now up to par :) I got her book order sheet and got busy ordering books for birthdays and just because days. I love cheap books!

Last night was Mother Goose and though it was a small crowd it went fairly well. All busy boys and no girls (we usually only have two anyways) but not bad busy. Just busy.

Tonight we're going out for dinner. I'm not sure where actually... maybe the chinese buffet or Denny's. Something kid friendly and diet friendly for Madeline.

Well should get dressed. I just got out of the bath and Robyn will be home with Olivia fairly soon. Phoenix has been in bed asleep for over 2.5 hours so I imagine he'll be up soon. Maddy and I played Old Maid, Crazy Eights and did some school work together. The puppy is napping :)

Camera download ;)

So we finally go around to downloading the camera... let the past month commence!

Sigh... and this is what happens when good kids go bad. And their mom's beat them (or their cousins throw them face first into ice which is more likely...)

Loki!!! He's smiling :)

Loki head profile

Phoenix and Loki hanging out

Can you say bat ears? Come in space control!

Play?

Teeth... the source of all my hellish evenings

My darling children :) Excuse the look on Madeline's face... she was concussed at the time ;)

teeth?

He's getting at least one tooth (top left) and probably more. He screamed again for six hours last night. He has a wicked cold and his tummy is still pushing through the last of the solid foods.

Why oh why did I get the emo kid to end all emo kids? He's sensertive... so very sensertive (and yes I know I spelled that wrong.) He's annoying the ever living heck out of me. I love my baby but I SO CAN'T WAIT until he's not a BABY anymore!!!!

My sil is not helping matters any. Her exlusively breastfed baby who is just four months old is sleeping in 12 hour stretches in her OWN BED in her OWN ROOM. I am sofuckingjealous.

Grrrr... I may just have to eat him while his bones are still soft.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I am ohsofuckingtired I can barely keep my eyes open. Phoenix SCREAMED from 2:30am to 8:30am. Pretty much straight. I'm not entirely sure what his problem is... he has a cold and is snuffly but I think it's more of the solid foods thing. We had been gradually introducing solids in very small amounts of very benign foods... apparently he's not capable still of eating anything other than breastmilk. I think I'll make an appointment with his doctor and see is there is anything else going on. So I made Jeff sleep in the bedroom with us and suffer through the noise as well. Why am I always the only one who has to deal with this shit?

I looked up the symptoms of a food intolerance and he has five of the seven signs. Runny nose and eyes, red around his anus, mucusy stools, gas and fussyness. He had some cucumber last night and some sweet potato's the night before and he's been miserable. I'm taking him off solids again for another week and then starting at the beginning. Some organic brown rice to begin. I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS!!!!

Babywearing

I wear the fiend on my back for a portion of every day. It's the only way I can get my housework done. I can vacuum, wash dishes, sweep, clean bathrooms (except the tub) and organize. He's happy. I'm happy that he's happy and all is well in the world.

I've been wearing him on my back with the shoulder straps crossed over my breasts. It would get uncomfy after an hour or so and he would have a tendancy to slip down on to my tailbone (not comfy.) But last night when perusing a friend (Babs) live journal I saw a link to wearing instructions... and a how to for a Tibetan carry http://www.babyhawk.com/pages/tibetan.php I love it! It's a back carry but then when you bring the straps around to the front you pass then under the shoulder straps and tie them on top of your chest... this works awsome for me because in just a simple rucksack carry the straps fall off my shoulders (hence having to cross them in front.)

So armed with this new knowledge I tossed Phoenix on my back, did the Tibetan tie and off we went. He didn't slip, my tailbone is intact and he was up there for over an hour (typical) but my back is not sore at all! And lugging a 22 lb infant around for an hour on your back is a great workout (right Babs? lol!)

*rubs eyes*

Don't let that sweet little face decieve you... this baby is sadistic.

He woke up from his nap yesterday (only a 1.5 hour nap and his first of the day) at 4pm. He went to bed at 1 am. 9 hours he was awake. And that was 9 hours that he whined, bitched, grumped and fought sleep. So you'd think that he would have slept well wouldn't you?

I hit the sack at 1:30am. He woke at 3:20. 5:20. 7:20. 8:20. 9:20. I got out of bed at 9:30am.

I was in bed for 8 hours. I am exhausted. A typical feed looks like this... he makes his "feed me" noises. Latch him on, attempt to pass out, he pulls off, whines, latch him on, attempt to pass out, he pulls off, whine, latch him on....

What is his problem! *shakes head*

The girls are snarky snarky today. The puppy refused to pee or poo when I took him out but them promptly shit on my floor and started eating it when I brought him back in. So he's back in his crate. The girls are doing puzzles (after fighting about them) and I am attempting to pretend my name is not mommy and I'm not here.

You ever have a day where the second you get out of bed you wish the day was already over?

Today.

For Lily

A bunch of really wonderful mama's have come together to help Kathryn and Baby Lily. Their whole family could use our support (both emotionally and financially) right now. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go buy some tickets to these raffles and do your part to make their lives just a bit easier.

http://hyenacart.com/Charity_raffles/

Thank you everyone!!!

stuffed

Blerg. I am stuffed. I think Jeff might be in the bathroom purging as we speak ;) I made a schwackload of french toast for dinner and man was it good! We had some leftover so Maddy's taking french toast sticks in her lunch... that and grapefruit.

Yes grapefruit. I've never liked it. I've always wanted to like it because the smell is intoxicating to me. It's a smell I'd love to eat... except I have always hated grapefruit. However superstore's special this payday was spend $175 and get a 14 lb box of Ruby Red grapefruit. Jeff convinced me to try a slice... oh my god. Manna from heaven! I love this stuff!!!! Maddy and Olivia both wanted to try and now Madeline is in love... Olivia thought it was good but sour. She still ate it though. Jeff juiced up a bunch and we all had some of that as well.

We slept in a bit, did some housework, lazed around and then went to the kids museum. We had a blast. I sent Jeff off by himself for some guy time (to great white) and the kids and I hung out. Phoenix had a great time with the wire bead toys and the rain sticks. He nursed through the Dinosaur movie and got to pet a snake. The girls were enthralled with the snakes! We played some tic tac toe, checked out all the animals and as usual made new friends. I love going there.

I think Rose and I have cleared the air over the bruised Madeline. Finally ;)

My mother is leaving to go back to work tomorrow. She's been home for over a week and we have not seen her. She's coming for lunch. I think I'll make Egg Salad.

Black eyes, goose eggs and broken noses...

Get that girl a helmet!

Maddy's doing better... after a week and a half her black eyes are starting to fade. Her goose bump is now brown and still very bumpish. Her nose is reduced in swelling and she's mostly out of pain. My poor baby :(

I wrote an email to Rose tonight letting her know that I don't blame Travis in this. That I know it was an accident but that we should also keep in mind it's not a "he said she said" thing. That a lunch monitor saw the whole thing and that we shouldn't keep trivializing Travis's role in this by telling madeline that she "slipped" or "tripped." Rose said tonight that she's "not taking sides" but there is really no sides to take! It's pretty black and white honestly. He hurt her by accident. Done deal. I understand that she's protective of him and going to choose his "side" because he's her grandchild but have a little compassion for a poor wee girl with a ginormous injury!

Loki's on the floor chewing up his brown bear. I just caught him eating my carpet... nice.

You know what?

I love glycerine suppositories. My baby hates them... but I love love love them. You know why I love them? Because they, in 10 minutes, make a baby that has NOT SHIT in almost 3 WEEKS, well... shit! Yayyyy for poo!!!!

The downside? Having to hold it in... oh blerg.

Phoenix is not compatible with eating. Solid food that is. He is eating just the tiniest bit of things but they are mega constipating him! Then it hurts to poo, so he does not poo, so it gets harder to poo, so he does not poo... the poo. IT WILL KILL YOU!

But he had 6 gloriously large poo's and he's getting back to a liquidy state. He's a much much happier baby now :) He even fell asleep on his own, in the bedroom, by himself! It was not intentional... I left him with his Winnie slumber sleeper and turned out the light so I could go pee. Next thing I know he's snoring!

So Jeff is cleaning his shop and destressing and I'm on the puter. Like normal ;)

I'm irritated

My kids are driving me crazy. Phoenix decided that 5am was a good time to be up... until 7am when I asked jeff if he thought Phoenix would shut up if he knew how perilously close to being chucked out the window he was.

I had 4 of Madeline's school mates and their moms over for a playdate today. It went... okay. Maddy was a bit whiney and would rather have sat and ate muffins, popcorn and raisens than play with her friends. That was a tad annoying. And then she'd whine that they didn't want to play with her. That was really annoying.

The reason I am so irritated is because of non napping Phoenix. He slept for about 40 minutes (less?) before Maddy and her friends woke him up. He was really tired around 4:45 so I went to nurse him down for a nap. Of course that is when the girls CRANK the tv and start jumping up and down and YELLING at one another. I damn near lost it. I stormed into the living room and told them both to get into their rooms. Of course by then Phoenix is wide awake and is still not sleeping...

Loki is still doing well. He's had some accidents but he IS a puppy after all. He's a bit nippier with the girls currently but if they'd LISTEN to me and STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE Loki wouldn't feel the need to herd them!

Well dinner is ready so I should sign off. Oven roasted organic whole chicken and roasted califlower and brocolli. Yummo!

Sweet Lily

Lily is a wonderful, sweet little baby. She is one of a set of triplets born in september of 2006. I was able to be in an online chat with her mama and caregivers as the babies were being homebirthed. She's a chubby, beautiful girl.

She was rushed to the hospital last week with rsv and she has suffered severe complications due to it. She has been very severly brain damaged. They are not sure what is going to happen at this point.

I'm feeling mad right now. Mad that a happy, chubby little girl is being taken away from her parents. I'm also feeling very sad. Everytime I check for an update I cry... everytime I see a picture of her adorable smiling face I cry. Why? Why did this happen to such a wanted and loved little person?

I can't really articulate my feelings right now... but that's the reason I've been quiet. She occupies my thoughts constantly. I can only pray and sending healing thoughts... I wish I could make it all better...

What a day

We have our puppy :) Loki is currently sleeping in his crate. We brought him home at around 2:30 and 9 hours later he has yet to pee or poop in the house. He's peed a couple of times outside as well as pooped. He's already a little watch dog ;) He barks when people come over or when he's scared. It's hilarious! He's smart and usually comes when he's called. We'll have our work cut out teaching him not to nip heels though... being a herding dog and all ;)

I had a craptacular afternoon. Robyn and the kids had just come over for some puppy love with I got massively dizzy and felt like I was going to black out. Then I got really nauseaus. I got Jeff to take me to the er. I was thinking blood clot? But yah. They have no idea what is wrong but apparently the waiting room and er rooms were full of people that were feeling dizzy... apparently it's either the tail end of the flu or beginning of the flu... or vertigo for no apparent reason. My guess? Panic attack. Big huge motherfucking panic attack. Sigh.

Jeff just talked the baby to sleep. I nursed him but he would not settle and since I'm feeling yucky jeff took over. I love him.

Oh yah... Loki is named as such because the Norse God of mischief and fire is Loki. Fitting name for a corgi ;)

Oh sweet puppy breath :)

This is not a picture of the puppy we ARE getting... but pretty close! We went and checked out the corgi's this morning and snuggled with four adorable doggies :) This little BOY puppy has a lovely short cobby body, four white socks and I think is more of a sable than a red and white. The breeder said he was a mismark but I couldn't see any colour faults while I was there. The girls ran and frolicked with said puppies and when we told them that we were actually going to get one they were ESTATIC!!! We're going to go pick him up on saturday. Before then we need:

crate (borrow rose's)
bed
nature's miracle (an enzyme cleaner for wee poops and peeps)
paper towels... lots of paper towels
collar
leash
id tag
toys (checking valu village and the dollar store)
food (Innova or California Natural)
treats
bandana.. just cause

I'm so excited! I'm so insane!!!!

Just cause ;)

So night three of antibiotics and he's sleeping in 2-5 hour stretches... last night he woke up yelling both times but I think that's more of a habit than anything else ;) He took a bit to calm the first time but the second time it was only a minute or so. And then he nursed and slept for another 5 hours STRAIGHT.

I have energy again. I have motivation. It's amazing. I woke up, checked the net, fed Phoenix, folded and put away two loads of laundry, made the kids lunch, made hummus (and then ate hummus) all before noon! That's a big accomplishment for me these days ;)

Someone on snet just posted a link about lead in vinyl lunch boxes. Yep... we have two of one of the brands that may contain them. So they are going in the garbage post haste. Madeline was coveting a metal lunch box at Great White this weekend so looks like that is in her future ;)

Phoenix likes black beans. He ate about 8? 10? beans at lunch yesterday. I have having spicey black bean soup so I just sucked the spice off the beans and gave them to him. He also had some apple/mango/peach fruit cup after dinner. He was very happy with that.

Jeff and I sent the kids downstairs last night after their dinner of eggs fried in coconut oil and fresh whole wheat bread and cultured butter so we could eat our king crab legs and salad. It was nice to just hang with him (and phoenix) and actually talk while we ate! What a concept ;)

Jeff's home for lunch. I'll go chat with him :)

And he sleeps...

Phoenix had his three doses of antibiotics yesterday. I was holding out hope for a good night but didn't really think it would happen...

He went to bed at midnight. The night went like this...
wake at 3am. Nurse. Go right back to sleep
wake at 6:40am. Nurse. Go right back to sleep
wake at 7:40. Snuggle, smile, coo... Go right back to sleep
wake at 8:40. Nurse. Go right back to sleep
wake at 9:40. Reach for my hand, squeeze, coo, stretch... Go right back to sleep
wake at 11:20am for the day. Smile, giggle, nurse and get up

Holy... shit. He slept! I slept! I feel 10 million times better!!!!

He's had two doses of his antibiotics so far today and while I was nursing him on the floor while on the phone, he passed out. So he's been sleeping ON HIS BACK on the floor for 1/2 hour so far. I'm all for garlic oil. I'm all for homeopathics first... but I'm really so very glad that this is clearing him up. Because if he didn't get out of pain and start sleeping I was getting a divorce and selling the baby to the lowest bidder.

ouch

Well I figured out that the only reason my mouth was not in pain from the wisdom tooth extraction yesterday was because I was taking advil regiliously... today not so much and now my mouth is FUCKING KILLING ME!!! Ouch ouch ouch.

Phoenix is about to get his third dose of antibiotics and go to bed. I hope. I hope he sleeps. My marriage cannot take another night of no sleeping. Jeff and I fought most of last night (quietly though) and my nerves are shot.

Cross fingers that tonight is a better night... I hope. Sigh.

sickko...

Phoenix is still sick. I'm not sure he was ever better. It's becoming increasingly clear that he still has his ear infection (and sinus infection) and that's the root of all the sleeplessness. Tosses head from side to side, hates laying down, refusing to nurse periodically, cries of pain. Tomorrow morning Jeff is head out to get his antibiotics prescription filled. It's obviously bacterial and obviously more than garlic oil can handle... :( If it was viral it would have run it's course by now.

He's currently moaning in his sleep while sitting up on Jeff's lap :(

I just need him to get better. I need this family to calm the fuck down.

My tooth is out. My big huge bottom wisdom tooth. I keep waiting for the pain from this gigantic hole I have in my mouth and it has not arrived yet. Could it be the three advil liquidgels I took four hours ago? I'm just about due for three more...

We went grocery shopping whilst I was still frozen. Another 330 bucks spent. But hey we did get three lbs of frozen crab legs and claws for free! I also bought Phoenix some "Quietude" by Boiron... it's for kids to help them with sleeping issues. My issue? He does not sleep. We'll see if it helps. It's homeopathic so either way it's really not going to hurt.

On the upside, At 1:20pm Phoenix and I layed down to nurse and woke up at 4:20pm! We both had a very much needed three hour nap. Jeff and the girls went to the car dealership and checked out new vehicle options. Yes I know we just bought a minivan last year. But apparently there is a class action lawsuit starting (we've already contacted a lawyer) for the intake manifold gasket and I guess it can fail and seize the engine (Robyn the lawsuit is for your vehicle too so check it out online.) So jeff and the girls were eyeing up a 2005 Chevy Uplander with all the bells and whistles. Colour? White. Again. Doh! It only has 30,000km's and it's 22,000. We'll see. I'm not convinced we need another vehicle so soon. But we'll get financed at a much better rate and we'll spread the payments over 7 years and not 5 so we might run the numbers and see. If it's not too much more than we are paying now we might go with it. We'll see... again ;)

I've been thinking about Car seats. Olivia's is falling apart and she needs a new one. I'd really like a Britax Marathon for Phoenix. So I think I'll suck it up, get Phoenix a Marathon and put Olivia in the Evenflo Titan (we just bought it new three months ago and it's good to 44 lbs and she's only just 32 lbs so far.) I'd really like the "cowmooflauge" but we'll see if Jeff will go for it... hey! Maybe I'll let him get the uplander if I get the cow seat!

The kids are having Annie's mac and cheese for dinner (Jeff's cooking) and I'm not very hungry. I might have a fruit cup or something.

:(

I'm not sure at which point sleep deprivation becomes torture... but from my own widespread studies (on myself of course) I think it takes about a month of being constantly wakened and getting absolutely NO rem sleep. Check the time of this entry. 4... AM.

Phoenix went to sleep at 9pm. Slept until 11:45ish. Nursed well. Crashed again. I went to bed just after 1am. He woke at 1:42am. I nursed him... I flipped him onto his tummy and he started to scream. And continued to whine and bitch and fuss and moan for the next hour. following the trend of EVERY SINGLE NIGHT FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS. I get into bed and within a fucking hour he's awake... and awake for the rest of the god damned night.

So with murderous thoughts in my mind I figured it was safer for him for me to give up any thought of sleep and just get up and suck it up and deal. So we've watched the end of 30 minute meals. Little Miracles, Birth Stories and now we're watching the Mom Show. Phoenix is sitting beside me on the couch having just nursed and is now chewing on his tiger tail. He is showing NO signs of sleepiness. I imagine that the whole half hour of sleep I got tonight already is all that I'll be getting for the night. Add that to the 45 minutes the night before and the 15 minute nap I got today and that's almost 1 1/2 hours in 48 hours! Sweet... oh fucking hell.

I have a dentist appointment in less than 5 hours. He's supposed to be finishing my root canal on my left hand bottom tooth but since my right bottom wisdom tooth has now inflicted the entire right half of my face and jaw with shooting pains, I'm hoping I can convince him that an extraction of that tooth is a better idea. Not that I'm into pain or anything but I'd love to get it out and get out of CONSTANT pain.

Wow I'm whiney this morning. I'm sorry.

In my next life I want to be a dad. Because dad's get to sleep. Because dad's get to lie in bed and pretend they are asleep until you take the baby and go away. Because dad's get to pull the "I don't have the tits" card whenever they want. Yep... sign me up for fatherhood.

It's really dark in here. I want to be sleeping. Nothing is going on in the net at this time of night. I'm tired.

Maddy has school today and Jeff has the day off (so really he should be helping me out here... I guess my sobbing cries did nothing to wake him). So after my dentist appointment we have to go grocery shopping and then hopefully I'll take some t3's and nap for a couple of hours. Then he has to work tomorrow and I get to go camp out in the ballet studio for a couple hours. That's always fun. Not. I have to remind Jeff to pay monthly and festival fee's for the girls. I wonder if they need to come in costume again? Eh. I'll just take it in case.

I wonder if the food thing is bothering him again? Maybe he just will never be able to eat and I'll have to nurse him until his wife takes over? Goody.

Robyn and the kids came over after preschool. We had a good visit despite the very moody Olivia. I mostly tried to just ignore her (Olivia... not Robyn...). It's always nice to have someone around who understands the depths of sleep deprivation.

Jeff went and helped Rose with her resume tonight. He loves doing resumes. He's strange. She was very appreciative and bought him a bottle of Bailey's, a shoe shine kit and a nice card. She also sent home a Valentines card for us and a cool puzzle (100 piece dino!) for the girls. It was a nice pick me up.

I made a very yummy stir fry with a Thai peanut sauce. I just winged it and used coconut milk, peanut butter, couple drops of hot sauce, sesame oil and soy sauce. It was yummy! I did brocolli, carrots, califlower and celery and tossed it all with flax rotini. I'm thinking soup for dinner for me tonight.

I really have nothing more to say but I'm bored so... hmmm...

My baby

Went down for a nap at 2pm and it's almost 5 and he's still sleeping! Rock on baby fiend!!!!

Maddy had a great day at school today. She's such a trooper about the no food dye rule. Her teacher made sure there was chocolate for her and I sent a fruit platter. She got valentines from all her classmates, a paper crown and did some painting. She got all dressed up in her black velvet dress and pink jacket. She was adorable. I am so glad she likes school... I'm very conflicted whether to send her next year or homeschool. We'll see.

I had soup for breakfast, hummus and whole wheat pita's for lunch and just had another bowl of soup and some cheese for dinner. Jeff's going to take the girls out for dinner whilst Phoenix and I are at Mother Goose.

I should probably get ready for that... lol. I'm still in my PJ's and I have to be there in an hour!

ditl

my very first ever DITL (day in the life) is up... take a look!

http://community.livejournal.com/ditl/354450.html#cutid1

Tonight...

I would really like my baby to decide that sleep is a good thing. Not that I'm stressin bout it or anything... just sayin is all.

Phoenix had a nap from 6:30pm to 9. I napped from 7:30-9. I lay down on the couch and Olivia covered me with a blanket, both girls got me bears and both Madeline and Olivia sang me rock-a-bye. They kissed me good night and went to brush their teeth. I woke up 1.5 hours later and Daddy had read them stories for 20 minutes, got them ready and then put them to bed. Then he cleaned the entire kitchen, put the leftover soup away (it was great!) and was enjoying some quiet time.

Phoenix ate dinner tonight! He had some soup ground up with the baby food grinder and he thought it was awesome. Olivia didn't eat even one bite of soup and went to bed with exactly one half a piece of whole wheat bread and butter in her tummy. She'll be hungry tomorrow! Madeline loved the soup, ate a whole bowl and two pieces of bread.

Madeline has her valentine's party tomorrow at school so she'll take her valentine cards and a fruit platter that we picked up. I like to send healthy snacks... I just know there will be tons of red food dyes and I'm counting on her and Mrs. Cole to make sure she does not eat any.

Phoenix is crying in Jeff's arms. He's been fed and he's tired but he just does not want to give in. Daddy is comforting and singing to him (while he watches "Aqua Teen Hunger Force"... yep he's a geek) but he's continuing to fuss. Maybe cause it's after midnight???

I need to go eat something healthy. I've had far too many pringles tonight and I'm feeling blergy.

*roll eyes*

Here we go again... someone posted an article on snet praising the miracle of the measles vaccine... it's been posted of course in the hopes of getting us non-vacc'ers all riled up again. I am not taking that bait! I'm in far too good of a mood to be bothered with them. I had a pm from Maribeth (the editor of snet) saying she was sorry I was having such a hard time in the cafe lately. It was nice :)

I'm doing DITL today (day in the life.) It started at 1:30am when I was headed to bed. And continued at 2:20am when Phoenix awoke for the first time... 4:20am for the second time... 6:20 for the third time (and then stayed awake until about 8:00) and then moved on to getting up at 10:00.

I have my chicken soup in the crockpot. I added some fresh grated ginger root to it as well. I need to go add a tablespoon of coconut oil too. I made a fresh batch of hummus. I went easy on the garlic today (only two cloves) because this garlic I have is bitter for some reason. I hope it mellows out in the soup. So lunch was a bowl of hummus (what was left after the kids kept dipping their fingers in it for *tastes*) and some whole wheat pita's.

Olivia is off to preschool so it's just Maddy, the fiend and I. Beverly Hills is on in one hour ;)
.................................................

Well Phoenix napped for the grand total of 45 minutes and Olivia should be home any minute. The floors are swept and vacuumed and dinner is burbling away. The bread is baking and Madeline is doing ballet while we listen to "out of the west" (LOTR) by Annie Lennox. Phoenix is on my back in the Mei Tai and he is happy... for now ;)

Mmmmmm... food...

Mmmm... my house smells so good. I did a roast organic chicken in the crockpot today and forgot to turn it down to low after a few hours... by the time it was ready it fell apart (literally) and was so incredibly tender. Yum! We had a root veggie bake with it. Organic: carrots, sweet potato's, potato's, onions and garlic. Extra virgin Olive Oil, sea salt, pepper and poultry seasoning. THE BEST ROOT VEGGIES EVER. I just finished my stock (it burbled for 7 hours) and it's ready to make chicken noodle soup tomorrow for dinner. Add a loaf of fresh whole wheat bread and we're good to go!

We had a pre-valentines evening tonight with the kids. We had some popcorn, good chocolate and licorice. Watched a movie and just hung. It was fun times! The girls were up until about 9:30 so hopefully they'll sleep in a bit tomorrow. We also got Madeline's interim report. She's doing well on everything except she still needs to listen better in class. We've chatted about that and she will work on it. She's my little chatterbox that's for sure.

The girls spent the night at my parent's this weekend. They had a good time... I guess. Apparently my mom told Dawn that the girls were nice... but they are just not her "baby!" (meaning Kylee my neice.) No shock there. I wish they would just appreciate them for the wonderful special children that they are... instead of always wishing they were somebody else.

I have so much more to say but I'm trying to watch 90210 as I type ;) My guilty pleasure.

Debate?

There has been a giant (I won't say debate because hardly any of these women know the true meaning of the word) rant/arguement at Storknet (a board I have been a member at for 6.5 years) for the past two days that just blows my mind. The subject is vaccination... or rather how people who DON'T vaccinate are just giant pieces of crap. In two days we've (a collective we of about 4 or 5 of us) been called crazy, stupid, ignorant and assholes. We've been told they'd like us to stay home, homeschool and stop putting their children at risk. We've also been virtually slapped and bitchslapped. A couple members of this group are so incredibly immature and naive that it's laughable.

All of the people that I know that have chosen to not vaccinate their children are incredibly well educated on the subject. In fact, studies show that children who are not vaccinated tend to come from homes that have married parents, a mother that has a college education and a family gross income of over 75,000. So rather us lowlifes being stupid and ignorant... it would seem we're a fairly educated intelligent bunch!

As a general rule almost ALL of the people I know that vaccinate their children have gone through a very short thought process to get there.
-my doctor says I should vaccinate
-sign us up
No research is done. They rely on scare tactics (so and so's great aunt had measles and DIED. So EVERYONE ON EARTH must get this vaccine.) and fluffed up stats that really mean nothing.

All non-vaccinator's that I know usually arrive at that decision by way of the following...
-what should I do about vaccines?
-most people I know do them... but are they safe?
-I should look this up
-wow... this information against vaccinations is compelling...
-I should talk to more people and do some more research
-I can see why people would vaccinate but do they know how dangerous the ingredients can be?
-oh my... I can't believe that your common vaccine contains this stuff! (http://www.vaccination.inoz.com/ingredie.html) for a list
-I'm making the choice to not subject my childen to these poisens
-I hope I've made the right choice and I'll continue to research and keep up to date on all issues due to this subject

Notice the difference? It takes a lot of guts, brains and determination to step away from the herd. To not become a "sheeple" of sorts. It's not the easy choice. To have to explain again and again why you are chosing to PROTECT your child and that to YOU people who vaccinate are putting their childrens lives at risk.

I feel just as strongly (if not more) as people who do vaccinate that we have made the right choice for our family and our children. Just as I chose to breastfeed, wear my baby, co-sleep and feed an all natural organic diet. These are choices that benefit MY KIDS. I don't do them to make ME look better. I give two shits most days about what is best for me. My kids are my life, my heart and my soul. I do everything in my power to protect them and keep them safe. And THAT IS WHY I refuse to inject them with poison all in the name of science. I believe that the more natural you are, the better you eat and the better care of yourself that you take, the better your immune system will be! My organically grown babes have the power to fight the chicken pox, the measles, the mumps. I don't know where as a species we have lost such faith in our bodies natural abilities to keep themselves healthy.

These women are rude, crude and uninformed. They rely solely on their wit and sarcasm to get them friends and see them through. Not a single non vacc'er has had to resort to name calling to get their point across. None of us are begging them to stop vaccinating their children. We're just asking them to research and keep an open mind... as we are always doing.

/rant

Another night...

Another night of no sleep. Phoenix fell asleep at 9pm... slept till 11pm and then was up ALL FREAKING NIGHT. He was driving me crazy! He'd talk, chatter, whine, cry, grunt, scream... repeat. After a fight with Jeff at 6 am (always a nice thing to wake up to) I got up, got Phoenix up and:
cleaned the kitchen
emptied and refilled the dishwasher
made a loaf of bread
browned some ground beef and onions and put my baked bean dish in the crockpot
swept the kitchen floor
collected all the garbage
tidied the living room
cleaned up Phoenix's toys

Then I turned on my computer to find a raging discussion at storknet involving how STUPID and CRAZY all non vaccinating parents are. I'd find it incredibly laughable if I were not so sick. Same arguement, different day. I swear these people get bored and think "let's pick on the freaks today." I wish all of these women could spend just ONE DAY on mothering.commune and the vaccination forums. When I post a net link I get sarcasm, when someone posts a net link supporting vac's it must be true.

Phoenix is back in bed and the girls have had breakfast and are chilling with me watching Little Bear. Yes I'm mostly ignoring them. I don't have the energy for much else right now.

Oh god...

Can I GET any sicker?

So the fiend has an ear infection. He finally stopped screaming after doing garlic oil, heavy duty probiotics (3 times a day) belladonna, camomilla and tylenol the first night for the pain. I broke my tylenol ban... when your baby is in THAT MUCH PAIN (and trust me... he was) you do something. It must have been one freak of an infection because I know Grayson didn't scream nonstop like this! Either that or Phoenix has a really low pain tolerance.

Olivia complained last night that her head hurt (oh shit) and then woke up at midnight with a headache. Then woke up at 2am barfing everywhere. Blueberries, strawberries, pancakes and syrup DO NOT make for an easy barf cleanup. Nasty nasty nasty. Of course she did it while she was laying on her back and barfed all over her face, long hair and bed. Everything fucking stained and she needed a bath immediately. She seems fine today so I don't know what that was about?

Two days ago I woke up with a head cold. Yesterday it hit hard and now today I have a fever, chills, plugged up totally head, massive head ache and all over body hurt. And I am at home, alone, looking after three kids. I really need to get Jeff a job where he can work from home.

Jeff's sick too. Not to this extent thankfully... one of us needs to have their head about them.

I called my other Mother Goose leader and let her know that I would not be there tonight. I left a message so I hope she gets it! I'll try again in another couple of hours. I've had a bath but I just can't get out of my jammies... dammit I can barely get off of the couch.

I have to make Maddy's festival dress by saturday... we have 11 kites to construct... I have to survive. It's all seeming a bit much right now.

I see this icon on a friends livejournal and it says:

To do list:
Wake up
Survive
Go to bed

that's about it for me today.

We're still alive...

But don't count on that statement holding true tomorrow morning ;)

Phoenix didn't sleep last night. Jeff and I took turns rocking and holding him ALL NIGHT. He could not sleep unless being held but he slept crappy because he was being held. I took the 1-3am shift, Jeff the 3-6am, then me again for the 6-10am. I actually managed to get him asleep and on his sheepskin on the floor for the hours of 7-9am.

He didn't nap today (okay for about 20 minutes in bed and five minutes in the Babyhawk when we were at the mall.) He basically fussed or screamed the whole day. He's sick, feverish, teething, snotting and just plain old freaking tired! You'd think he'd actually sleep. Nope. Not this kid.

We did get him down around 11 tonight and he's been up 3? 4? times in the hour and a half. He wants to nurse, he does not want to lay on his tummy, he wants his side... no not that side (!) the other side! No... forget that, he wants to sleep on his back... with one arm in and the other out (okay scrap the whole damn thing and start over!)

Insane? Yep. I'm already there.

Olivia was a bear and a half today. She'll probably wake up sick tomorrow. Maddy's good and that's good because she's going to fucking school if it's the last thing I do. It's her show and tell day tomorrow so she's taking a picture of her when she was a baby. She's got a peanut butter and raw honey flax tortilla, strawberries, yoguart and a trail mix I made with craisens, raw almonds and raw sunflower seeds. Water to drink. Clothes are picked out and homework is done. Her Valentines are done as well (done by herself, all by herself) and so are Olivia's (done by me.)

I just finished having really good sex. We're getting creative because according to his semenanalysis he still has sperm. Dead sperm.. but sperm. I also happen to have developed an allergy to latex. Latex in the vagina = really bad burns. Not good. I'll leave the rest to the imagination.

I should take my pills and get ready for bed. Iron, aspirin, B vitamin complex, cod liver oil and evening primrose oil. Yummo. I'll be burping cod livers all night.

Oh funny story... Maddy and I were in the store buying cod liver oil the other day and she says to me "mommy, do they really get the oil out of the cod's LIVER?" and I say "yes they do... they take their little itty bitty livers and squeeze the heck out of them and all the oil comes out..." Maddy says "mommy! You're lying and I'm telling daddy!!!" Nice... even when I tell her the truth she does not believe me! I finally convinced her though ;)

Well off to snuggle and bed. Or bed and snuggle.. hopefully with the large man and not the small man.

Today... continued

Well Phoenix basically screamed for 7 hours... then fussy for 2.5 hours... and now is asleep on Jeff's lap.

I had a complete meltdown today at lunch. I had finally got Phoenix to sleep and started to clean up my (very trashed) house. He woke up after 5 MINUTES screaming. I got him up and freaked. I yelled at the kids. I yelled at Jeff. I yelled at Phoenix. I slammed doors, cupboards and dishes. Jeff right away started power cleaning with Phoenix in the sling and we tidied up the whole house in 1/2 hour. I cannot operate in stressful times with a messy house. I just can't.

I feel like I am swimming and swimming and just can't get my head far enough out of the water to see the shore. I am going on faith that there actually is a shore out there and at the end this will all have been for something.

My eldest daughter is lucky she made it through the day alive. She was rude, beligerant, loud and just... so very five it was unreal. The final straw was when I finally had soothed Phoenix to sleep and asked her to grab a blanket for him. She ran at me with it, yelled "catch!" and then chucked it at his head. I had to fight to urge to throttle her... and I rarely get physical with my kids. Of course Phoenix woke up and tons of yelling ensued (from both him and me.)

Olivia had a nap today and didn't wake up until 6:30. So she's still up. I'm thinking another half hour and then to bed.

We had a simple dinner tonight... egg salad in spinach tortilla shells with frozen strawberries for dessert... and lets talk about those strawberries shall we?

It's a company called "Europes best."
The strawberries come from Chile.
They are packed in Montreal.

Where the fuck does Europe figure in this equation?

please stop screaming...

Phoenix is currently on my lap, facing me, bobbing his head up and down on my chest and SCREAMING HIS EVER LOVING LUNGS OUT. This is hour three of this.

Maddy got sick. She got better. Phoenix now has a fever and the snotty nose. It's a really good thing I don't have an infant tylenol in the house because I'd be sorely tempted to use it right now.

Calgon, take me away!

Fussy Phoenix didn't sleep last night between the hours of one am and six am. I got to bed at one. I was up at six. Madeline was complaining of a headache yesterday after school. She went to bed okay... slept until the middle of the night and then was screaming that she was cold. Jeff got her another blanket. Not a half hour later I hear "mommy! daddy! I'm throwing up!"

oh... fuck.

So I held her hair while she puked. Daddy cleaned up her bed. Got her settled on the couch. I turned on the laptop and "googled" sore neck and vomiting. I promptly got daddy out of bed and the whole family was off to the er. At first they were worried about menengitus (like we were) and then it turned to a kidney infection and she'd have to stay the day and over night... with iv antibiotics. Then that test came back clean. So they did some tests and sent us home. Possible strep throat? We don't know. Most likely something viral and it will just have to run it's course.

So we all slept (except daddy that went to work and olivia that went to pre-k) for a couple of hours and she's feeling a bit better.

Jeff ended up having to work till 9:30 tonight. He's not home yet. In the two hours the girls have been in bed; Phoenix has not stopped whining, Madeline has woken up screaming twice, Olivia has woken up crying three times and I think I'm going bald from pulling my hair.

I am exhausted, emotional and stinky. I need a shower in the worst way.

My house is a mess. I have to grocery shop tomorrow (I HAVE to) my phone will not stop ringing and I am wanting to go to bed.

DAMMIT THE FUCKING PHONE JUST RANG AGAIN.