wtf...

seriously.

It's six thirty in the morning and other than a two minute doze here or there... I have not been to sleep yet.

I took a t-3 (tylenol with codeine) because my kidneys were sore, my back was sore, I was having tons of aches and pains of various sorts... it seemed like the right thing to do.

Those pills are going away tomorrow. Far far away. From about 20 minutes after I took ONE DAMN PILL I suffered a huge huge massive panic attack. I was so fucking exhausted that I couldn't keep my eyes open but every time I fell asleep I woke up convinced that if I did fall asleep I would die. Every. Single. Time. So now my bodies trigger to passing out is... to wake itself back up as soon as fucking possible.

Oh gawd. There are no words to explain how incredibly shitty I feel right now. Oh and to top it all off I have a massive sore throat. I've been managing my panic/anxiety well for a while but always, right around 16-18 months postpartum... when my hormone levels are reaching normal cause my babes start nursing less this happens. I attended a course on managing my anxiety and panic the last time and it worked very very well. I think I need that again. Or a shrink. Or something. Cause I can't live with the mood swings and the feeling of impending doom (which is one of the major signs of a heart attack... nice) and I don't think that my family really wants to live with it either.

So I sit here on the couch in the dark with my laptop... while my dark prince sleeps on the couch across from me. I tried to go to bed and managed about an hour in my room before I freaked out. I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN. I just can't.

I'm hoping this is just codeine induced. Praying it is.

Sigh. Out of words :(