Today will be a better day...

and it better cause yesterday sucked mucho asso...

The girls both have their first ballet class of the season today. They both have new shoes (courtesy of grammie) outfits and they are ready to dance. This will be Madeline's third year and Olivia's first class ever! They are so cute in their dance wear :)

Phoenix was in bed by 10:00 pm last night! I was shocked. He was pretty grouchy. He's still in bed right now and the girls are eating their breakfast. We'll have to start getting ready pretty soon. The house is totally clean (thanks to jeff) so there's not much else to do.

We've been invited to a hot dog roast tonight by some people from our pagan group. I'm not enamoured with their family (three massively hyper high needs kids that are rude and destructive) but we'll try to make the best of it. I'd like for Jeff and I to have more (ok any) couple friends to hang out with. Mike's always busy and I don't think he's too interested in hanging with us anyways. Chris and Nansi .. well... they're a complete write off to me (jeff keeps hope ... lol! He's a die hard.) So it would be nice to be able to hang out weekend nights with friends while the kids play and such.

Speaking of Chris and nansi. Jeff was over there the other night helping them rip up their kitchen. It pisses me off... they never want to hang out so the ONLY way jeff gets to see his friend is if he offers to help them do stuff. Yah... they're real friends. I don't put up with that shit.

I'm trying to plan Maddy's birthday party. She wants a pizza pajama party ;) During the day. lol! Whatever. It's her party. I don't control them.

Off to eat breakfast.

Olivia's first day of preschool!

She loved it :) I found out there are 14 kids in the class (and I think only one boy?) and three teachers. Olivia got a chance to chat with all three of them and thought they were very nice. She played with playdoh, cut and coloured, played with blocks and "cooked" in the wood kitchen. I asked her if I can drop her off next week alone and she can play, she's cool with that. She loved the low toilet and counters ;)

Preschool is only $85 for two days a week so that is pretty good! I think she'll have fun :)

In other news... our drain in our furnace room was backing up so we called Roto Rooter to come out and take a look. Apparently it's our washing machine doing it and it's fairly common. Meanwhile though the guy tracked BLACK FUCKING SLUDGE through our house! I got ticked and told him what he had done and asked how to clean it. He to ME to go and get some spot shot and that would talk care of it... ummm... no. Your mess buddy.

So I called the office and "Al" said that was absolutely unnaceptable and he would send him back to clean it. Well the wife ended up coming instead and she did an awesome job... appologized a million times. Good! Clean up your mess asshole next time. The wife said her husband was not impressed that one of his workers did this... hopefully he'll get in shit. Is that evil? Maybe ;)

That's one fat baby

and damn am I proud ;) Nothing but 100% pure mama milk going into this previously very scrawny boy.

The batteries have been bought and let the chubbyness commence!



Gotta love the extemely fat thighs. He's already fitting into size m/l motherease wraps!



The double chin. Oh how I love baby double chins!



A fat little paw :)

Wow it's been a busy day!

We got up at 7:45 this morning to get Maddy ready for her first day of Kindergarten... sniff sniff.



She's wearing the outfit that her Grammie picked out for her and has her Princess Disney backpack on :) She was very excited to be there!



We were informed upon arrival that they ended up with 28 KIDS! in the kindergarten class. So they are splitting the class to 14 each. They are adding a tuesday/thursday designated friday class. Most people still want in the wednesday one of course but preferance is giving to whoever registered first.

Guess what number we registered? go on... guess...

Yep. First. What can I say. We're keeners. lol!

We were only there for an hour and I got to stay with her. Just going over policy and procedures. I honestly could not believe how freaking hyper and out of control some of those kids were... with their parents RIGHT THERE! I was worried about Maddy's exhuberance but I see I have nothing to worry about at all.

I gave her teacher a letter about her food dye allergies and told her to call me if she had any questions. She seemed to appreciate that.

Suprisingly enough... I didn't bawl. Tomorrow I have to leave her there though... let the waterworks flow ;)

Today

Was a pretty good day. I was awoken by jeff this morning at 10 am with a momma on the phone having nursing issues with her 12 day old baby. Both LC's are out right now (one with a broken arm and one on vacation) so I opted to go for a home visit. I don't HAVE to according to LLL guidelines but I felt it was warranted.

Teeny baby... teeny. Just over 6 lbs and the cutest little sprite of a girl :) It all of a sudden got really hot here yesterday and today and baby was not wanting to nurse and falling asleep at the breast. Pretty common in a wee hot baby. I advised the mama on how to deal with engorgement, showed her a different hold and the breast sandwich technique and suggested they move into the very cool basement. As soon as we got baby downstairs she latched and nursed well for 20 minutes ;) I think they'll be fine. First time jittery parents just needing some support.

We then took Maddy to the clinic for a suspected uti. Suspected turned into raging uti and she's on antibiotics. I would prefer to do things more natural but she's in so much pain :( Hopefully this kicks it and she feels better soon.

Olivia, Phoenix and I went and visited Robyn and the kids after the clinic. The girls played very quietly while Robyn and I got to chat. Mike headed to the hospital with a suspected? broken foot. I have not heard back what the result of that was.

French toast for dinner. Yum.

Phoenix is in bed without having a bed time nursing. I took him in the bath and apparently that wore him out. Daddy tried him and jammied him... he passed out. lol!

Well I think I'll go crash on the couch for a bit while Jeff watches Kill bill volume 1. Again.

Grateful

If I go to bed with previous thoughts on my mind I will never get to sleep. So lets think of ten things to be grateful about...

1. soft arms around my neck and wet kisses goodnight from my girls
2. "I love you mommy"
3. clean dishes
4. my husband... who gets the dishes clean
5. unconditional never ending love from Jeff
6. a warm sleeping baby at my breast
7. a three day weekend
8. the means to provide my girls with the things they need
9. purring cats
10. my family and friends

3 months

It's been three months since Phoenix was brought into this world by surgery. It's been three months since I once again had by stomache cut, cauterized, stretched... had my baby suctioned out of me and was stitched back together. It's been three months since I held my teeny baby boy and fell totally and completely in love.

It's been three months since I first nursed my wee man. It's been dozens of nursings every day and almost as many diapers. It's been millions of kisses and tons of coo's. It's been three months since I had my last baby.

My. last. baby.

I'm at a point in my life that I never thought I would come to. A point where I feel complete within myself and full with the children I have. It's strange though to think that I will never give life to another person. I will never feel another baby stir within my body, I will never dream about giving birth vaginally, I will never have another newborn to nurse.

I'm okay with it. I think.

My little man is getting so big and so NOT newbornish. He's laughing now. He's smiling and grabbing things with his fat little paws. He kicks and rolls over sometimes. He's everything I ever needed him to be.

Jeff's vasectomy is October 20. He won't be cancelling this time.

That's hard to take. It's just so... permenant.

How come some women who honestly DO NOT CARE whether they have c-sections or not have the most easy, quick vaginal births? And when I have so desperately wanted to give birth naturally THREE FUCKING TIMES and I never have?

I feel cheated. I feel bitter. I feel sad.

I'm tired.

New pics and a chunkaroo!

Mr. Phoenix is about 16.5 lbs. He was born at 7.5 lbs. He's gained 9 POUNDS in three months. That officially wins him the title of chunkaroo extrordinaire ;)



"Oh really mommy?"

It's a good thing baby boy!!!



"Okay! If you say so!"

Now is he not adorable? I just love this little (big) man :)

DUDE! We're gettin a DELL!

Dell computer that is :) We've lived long enough with patched together computers. Our current machine is a P3 800 that is not doing us too shabby but our dream has ALWAYS been a laptop. A sweet lap top. A really really fast gamer machine laptop. Our new laptop (to be delivered in 12-14 days!!!) is a Inspiron 9400 Dual Core Intel® Core™ 2 Duo processor T7200 (4MB Cache/2.00GHz/667MHz FSB) (copied off of the site...) I don't know what all this means but apparently it kicks ass. We also got the 256MB NVIDIA® GeForce™ Go 7900 GS video card and the 17 inch UltraSharp™ Wide Screen UXGA Display with TrueLife. Apparently this is all good. All I am really caring about is the fact that I GOT A LAPTOP! Hurray!!!

Final price with taxes was close to $2500. That's not counting the financing. Not bad montly payments (around $80) for the NEXT FOUR YEARS!!! Holy shit. Oh well. It's the only way that we can afford a new computer so we're doing it.

We're really really excited. Like little kids at x-mas ;)

We're home...

sigh... can I go back yet?

It's not that there is anything inherantly WRONG with Prince George. But it just sucks so much ass that it's not even funny. I need to pack up my best friend and her kids and take her with Jeff, me and the kids and then I can leave. Cause really? She's about the only person I'd honestly miss. How sad is that?

We had a mostly good unevenful trip down. Massive traffic getting onto the Portman bridge. Phoenix now officially fucking hates the car. No other way to put it. lol! I spent quite a few hours on this trip in the back seat with my pinky in his mouth. Honestly? If I thought he would have taken a pacifier at this stage in the game I probably would have bought one. But alas it was the finger for him ;)

We got into Vancouver at 6:30 (after leaving PG at 4:30am!!!) ordered some pizza and we all fell into bed. Jeff and Liv slept together, Phoenix and I together and Maddy wanted to sleep on the floor. We got up early the next day and did some shopping and visited Jeff's sister and bil. We were in Sechelt by 7:30 pm that day. It was nice to be there.

We did tons of beach combing, walks, picking blackberries, visiting, singing, shopping... all the vacationy things. We wanted to get to Victoria to visit Jeff's grandma and Heather (sorry heather!!!) but we ran out of time and money. Why the hell are ferries so damn expensive?

It was a great trip. I am sad to be back. I love it there and I need to move there some day soon. Jeff's on the look out for jobs (I love that man) and then I can return to my home land :)

We've been cleaning and organizing. The baby is laying on his sheepskin on the couch and the girls are "tidying" Liv's room ;)

Easy dinner tonight and then relaxation. I think I'll have a baby free bath.

I'm pissed off...

It all started the weekend that I was in the hospital having Phoenix. We came home and that night Jeff went out to water the garden. He stared at it, puzzled, and then realized that my statue of Mother and Child was missing. MISSING! Someone fucking STOLE my statue THE WEEKEND that I was having a new baby. The statue that my very best friend bought me for my birthday. The statue that commemorated the loss of our little baby Violet. The statue that was the ONE FUCKING THING that I had to remind me of our departed one. Stolen. That very weekend. Ironic... or was it?

Now I realize that my BRAND NEW STROLLER that my MIL bought for me to help transport Olivia back and forth to Maddy's school to pick her up is gone. STOLEN. Brand new! We used it once to go for ice cream. I cannot afford to replace this and Olivia is too big for our other stroller so what the hell am I going to do now? Ironic that yet ANOTHER baby item is stolen from our yard... or is it?

I have an enemy in this town. Someone that hates my guts. Bad mouths me all over MDC as "the LLL leader that destroyed all her friendships" (what friendships???) She knew when I was having Phoenix. Maybe I'm being paranoid but she would be the logical suspect. If I find out it's her I am going to freak. Totally.

In the past two years we've had
*our house broken into and stuff stolen by meth heads. (The stole our sudafed and ammonia)
*someone walk right into our house and refused to leave until I called my dog on him and threatened to call the police
*statue stolen
*another druggie (confirmed by a woman that deals with him) ask us for a ride at 11:30 at night and then headed up to another part of town to break into cars (we didn't give him a ride)
*some drunk passed out cold on our front lawn last week
*stroller stolen

GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS TOWN!!!!!!!!

Thank the Goddess we're leaving on vacation friday. I can't take much more of this shit.

New pics and a fun day

Well we got a call at 9am saying the Elisabeth had the flu and the party was postponed until next wednesday. So what to do? We ended up going to the fair for 4 hours and had a GREAT time! The kids petted all the animals and did the face painting. We had snacks and went on a wagon ride. All the usual fair things :)

We cleaned out the car (well jeff cleaned out the van) tonight in prep of our trip. It's supposed to be anywhere from +32 to +37 while we are there!!!! Holy hot!

Now for some new cute pics of the kidelts :)



Phoenix yesterday sucking on his frog :) 10 weeks!



Olivia... 3 years old :)



Maddy... almost 5 :)

I have the cutest kids in the world. And no I am not biased ;)

Kubuntu

This would be the name of our new operating system. It's actually a derivative of Linux and so far it's pretty cool! Now that Microsoft has started this "have to have a real copy of their operating system" we decided to become legal and use different software. It looks pretty much the same and acts pretty much the same but apparently much more versatile. Honestly? As long as I can get on the net and fool around with pictures I'm all good.

The past couple of days have been pretty good. Yesterday the kids had a picnic lunch outside and Maddy selected and gathered all the food together while I sat on my patio (my carport lol) and drank my tea. We had fun feeding the ants All-bran bars. Talked to the various neighbors and picked some saskatoons. Checked on the apples (not ready yet) and took a neighbors dog home.

Today we stayed inside mostly. I was very tired for some reason. Phoenix was a fusspot tonight. He gets really overtired and does not want to nurse, cuddle or anything conduitive to sleep. I usually end up with him on my shoulder and patting his butt. I wonder if this will turn into a spanking fetish when he gets older? lol!

We went and got Maddy's school supplies. Crayola crayons make me happy. I don't know why :) $35 later and I think she's ready.

Only 7 more days till we're in Vancouver! Hurrayyyyy!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is Elisabeth's (Maddy's friend) 5th birthday party. We made her a "pin the worm on the apple" game and bought her a Cinderella Barbie that was on sale from $50 to $24! Good deal. Hopefully it's nice so all the kids can go in the pool.

Last night was LLL. It was a pretty full meeting and fun was had by all. I get kind of annoyed at C though (she's my other leader) as she ALWAYS arrives later than I do (we're supposed to show up at 6:30 to set up and she always gets there at like 6:45) so by the time she's there I've already done most of the lifting and such. I'm only 10 weeks pp after a c-section so I probably should not be lifting 100 lb book boxes! After the meeting though I sat and chatted and made her put everything away ... evil? Slightly.

I hear my husband snoring away in my chair :)

Phoenix is in bed (for the last half hour) and I should head there. I have a horrible tooth ache and nothing is touching it. Maybe if I sleep I won't be able to feel it. I do have t3's if it gets too bad...

Dr. Phil.. and random stuff

So I was watching Dr. Phil today (yah yah... I know. Hey the girls were napping and Phoenix was glued to the boob and there was nothing else on!) and it was quite possibly the most horrific episode I have ever seen. To sum it up there was the most EVIL mother I could ever possibly imagine on there. She swore, screamed, beat, humiliated her kids (come to think of it I used to know someone like that) on a daily basis. I cried through the whole episode to think of these poor sweet babies just beaten down by their mother. She.. should be shot. Hands down.

I think of how I am struggling with Olivia lately and her very "threeness" I was blessed to have the most mellow child in the planet until about one month before Phoenix's birth. She then realized that she didn't actually HAVE to do the things that I asked of her and that she was in possesion of her own free will. Sigh. It sucks. lol! I am working on giving her a choice in everything and not sweating the small stuff. She wants to wear her puppy costume to bed? Sure! It's not going to kill her. She wants her pillow on the opposite side of the bed? Sure! She wants to be naked? Who cares! Hopefully... this will work. I'm already feeling less stressed and hopefully she will soon.

Tonight I sat and held a mini mother goose session with the girls while Phoenix hung out on my lap. We sung for about an hour. The girls got their "babies" (cabbage patch dolls, Angelina and Leslie) and they participated. During various times through the session babies were "nursed" and "changed"... sometimes they had to use the potty or get kisses for owies. My little ladies are going to be the best mothers some day. They wear their babies in slings and talk about how tiny babies DO NOT need needles in their bodies and about how some food is very good for your body but some is not. Speaking of which...

Last night we had Ground Chicken Taco's for dinner. Maddy actually made her own Taco and put (get this!) chopped tomato's AND onions AND salsa AND lettuce on it! She's claimed to have hated tomato's and onions for a while now and all of a sudden she is eating them. yayyyy Madeline!

Madeline also can write her entire name in upper and lower case letters, write her phone number, knows her address and birthday. She's got the whole upper case alphabet figured out and most of the lower. She knows all her shapes, colours, seasons and days of the week. She is set for kindergarten. But am I? Sob!

I am actually kind of looking forward to september. Maddy is full day kindy Monday, wednesday and alternating fridays. Olivia is in afternoon pre-school tuesday and thursday from 1-3:30 at the child developement center with Jassy. Then on saturday both have ballet, one right after another. Busy busy! I've actually been kind of bored for the past couple of weeks. I can't wait to get back into the fall routine of Mother Goose, LLL meetings, Baby Friendly meetings and such.

Well it's a full moon tonight so off to worship for a bit. After being awake until 6:30 AM!!!! last night Phoenix is actually in bed right now! So I should join him.

I'm done! She's done!

Olivia at the age of 38 months has weaned herself from the breast. Her last nursing was about a week ago and was a memorable one :) She asked for "nums" and nursed for about a half an hour! She gobbled up the milk like it was going out of style (and this was strange because she's not been into nursing since Phoenix was born for more than like 1-2 minutes) and then when she was done she popped off, looked at me and said "Momma, I'm a big girl now and I don't need boobs any more."

And that was it.

She has not asked, mentioned nursing, looked longingly... anything!

Happy sigh :) She was done when she was done and that was it.

So Phoenix has his nums to himself (though he bleats like a lamb and hoots like a baby owl when it's time to nurse) and I am nursing my last baby. Bitter sweet.

Are my children wierd?

Because right now when I gave them some veggie chips and asked if they wanted garlic hummus to go along with it they SQUEALED with delight and started jumping up and down. "I LOVE hummus mommy!!! Thank you thank you thank you!" (Maddy...) "Oh yummo!" (Olivia) Hey with the way some people feed their kids these days I am so glad they are like this. That reminds me that I am almost out of CLO and should pick some more up for them.

Hodge Podge

Friday night jeff and I went out for dinner while Rose watched the girls. We went to White Spot and it was fantastic! I had this Tuscan Chicken Pasta that was fantastic. Phoenix slept through appy's, dinner and desert in his KK fleece pouch. I LOVE this thing! He woke just after desert and had his dinner while jeff and I chatted :) Our server was asking about it and if it was good for breastfeeding in so we talked for a bit about the advantages of baby wearing and such.

After dinner we went to Winners and picked up the rest of Grayson's pressie (some Mega Blocks baby stuff) and bought the girls suitcases for our trip. Maddy got Cinderella (of course) and Olivia got Strawberry Shortcake. Phoenix already has his Franklin one so we are good to! We also got the kids (just because they rock and we love them) some extra pressies. Maddy a doctors set (she's been hankering for one for forever!) and Olivia a Melissa and Doug Log Barn and animal set for like 12.99! I love Winners for wood toys. After winners we went to hell*mart and bought pickles, tea, picture frames, gum and something else that I can't remember.

Saturday was Graysons party and we had a good time :) It was in the park and it did rain most of the time but the kids still played and had fun. Robyn's friend Teryn was there and spent a good deal of time talking to jeff *roll eyes* She knows I dislike her intensely ;) After the shit she pulled on me about how I was excluding her from LLL playgroups and such I just can't stand her. I was polite however :) She was telling jeff how Conner is turning her into a health nut. Ummm.. sure. This is the woman that gives her kid COKE so he'll tolerate being left with a babysitter. Hey... not my kid!

We then hit the fruit/veggie stand on first ave and got almost all my veggies for $20! Rockin! Then we bought Olivia a pine shelving unit. We didn't stack the shelves like we were supposed to so she has two. I bought some cool baskets for them and viola! Instant organizational system. Wonder upon wonders she ACTUALLY put her toys back when she was finished with them today! Then I went grocery shopping.

Today was spent packing stuff to mail, hitting the mall (jeff got some rockin deals on clothes for himself... and more dad slippers) and chilling at home. Some Pork Soulvlaki for dinner with veggie chips and suger snap peas. Yum.

Jeff's passed out on the bed (tons of sex will do that to you every time) Phoenix is passed out in his cradle in the living room and I'm about 10 feet away from him on the puter. It's almost one am and he's been sleeping since about 9:45 pm! He sleeps well when he wants to ;) I'm thinking of waking him, changing him and then taking him to bed to nurse and sleep. But I'm kind of enjoying the quiet and the alone time.

I'm re reading my "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" I need more idea's on how to deal with and evade the three year old temper tantrums and how to evade the jealousy coming from Madeline these days. Have I mentioned I can't wait for kindergarten and pre-school to start? lol.

Well... off to read my "memoirs of a geisha" I'm about 2/3 of the way through and it's SO much better than the movie. Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight.

Diapers too!

I forgot! I ended up ordering the diapers from Cottontail baby instead of Jamtots. They were charging only 2.25 for INDIAN prefolds and Jtots wanted like 3.34 for regular prefolds! I got free shipping too and 5% off for being a MDC member. Hurray! I paid a bit extra for air mail so hopefully they'll get here soon. I am SO glad I was able to get the indian ones. They are so much softer :)

Tired, tired, tired...

Me and the baby!

It's been a long day. The kids and I spent the day up at my friend Jean's place. Her daughter Elisabeth is Maddy's age and she has a wee baby that is 6 weeks older than Phoenix (well he's actually more like 17ish pounds... so not so wee!) After the kids went through an initial re-adjustment period and learning one anothers boundries they had a great day! At one point Jean had to take Elisabeth aside and talk to her about sharing, she was having issues with it. It got better. We made cookies and then sat outside on the porch swing nursin our babes and watching the kids play in the backyard. The only way the day could have been better is if Robyn and kidlets were there :) Their cat was being neutered though and Mike needed the van to pick him up.

Tonight we had some chicken dogs and chips for dinner. Oh hurray nutritious ;)

Jeff and I reserved the hotel for our trip to Sechelt in two weeks (two weeks! Oh yay!!!!) We're spending one night in Vancouver so we can do some shopping and see his sis and BIL. I am sooo looking forward to going to Ikea!

Phoenix is very fussy today. He wants to spend all of his time either nursing or fussing. It will pass. In the meantime though I am sooooo tired. Someone suggested I should give him a bottle. Meh. Yah like that will help. No thank you. No artificial nipples for this boy!

Tomorrow the girls are going to Rose's for a PJ party (note to self... pick up a movie for them) and Jeff, Phoenix and I get to go for dinner! Afterwards we're picking up a shelving system for Olivia's toys and buying the rest of Gray's birthday pressie. It's his party on saturday (at Ft. George if it's nice) so that will be a good time :) I need to grocery shop at some point too. We were going to go camping this weekend but I forgot about Gray's party. Good auntie I am!

Well hopefully little man will think of sleeping soon. I'm exhausted.

ho hum...

It's another dreary day. I like it this way as it means we are not BAKING OUR BRAINS OUT!

Today I got the kitchen cleaned, dishes in the dishwasher and foccacia is rising on the counter. We are going to a Lammas ritual tonight and needed something for the picnic. I think I'll pick up some hummus and juice boxes on the way.

Hopefully the kids will be into listening and actually being a part of the ritual. If not we'll step off to the side so they can play and then Jeff can actually take part. It would be the second one in a row that I would miss but it bothers me less and for less time to miss them than it does jeff.

I am very lucky to have him but lately I feel as if he is resentful of me and the kids because of everything he has to do. Phoenix nurses so much and so often and refuses to be put down that I find I can't do stuff like laundry and dishes with him in the sling. So jeff ends up taking on most of the household chores plus working all day, plus putting the kids to bed. One wonders how much longer he would continue to do this before throwing up his hands and fucking off...

So today is day one of "take back the house" lol. I imagine that Phoenix will be spending even more time in his sling and the kids will be even more neglected. But hey at least their dad won't ask for a divorce! That's something.

meh... I'm pissy today.

That's one big baby!

At 8 weeks old our wee tiny little 7lbs 7oz when born Phoenix... weighs

14 freaking pounds!

All of a sudden he has outgrown his infant prefolds that I was counting on for another month at least!

So now I've got to buy premium prefolds and some bigger covers stat! Thankfully payday is friday.

So I've got 2.5 dozen premium prefolds (I was going to get the indian kind but shipping to canada plus duties is pretty pricey) just the green earth textiles ones (but unbleached) and 2 medium Bummis velcro (just for Jeff!) picked out and ready to pay for. The small ME covers still fit and I have two medium ones and one medium/large one. I think I'll pick up another two medium ones and then I should be good to go... for a bit at least.

Wow. Big baby!

Fuck...

My mother has had a hernia for a long time. On saturday when we were there she mentioned that it had come out and she could not put it back in. I TOLD her that she was in danger of having strangulated it...

She said she would wait to see the doctor till today.

Guess where I am heading tonight?

Yep... to the hospital because she is having emergency surgery.

Fuck.

I hate being right.

Very cool dream

Two nights again I had the most interesting, involved, lucid dream I have had in ages.

It's set 20 years in the future and apparently jeff and I won 18 million dollars on Lotto 649. The kids are all grown up. Maddy is a veterinarian. Olivia is just finishing her pre-med and Phoenix is an artsy type who's deciding "what to do with his life." Jeff and I are living in a nice house in a rural part of the lower mainland. We've got all the toys we want (snowmobiles, atv's, boat, truck and fifth wheel, nice cars etc) and we are raising Pugs. Strange.

My mom is dead but my dad is alive. Retired and still living in PG. Al and Rose are both long gone as are Jeff's parents. His sister and brother got divorced. My sister and BIL are still together though. Mike and Robyn are together and Mike is the head of Northwood now and lets Phoenix and Grayson work for him in the summers. Jassy is at UBC with Olivia and they are still best friends.

Casper is still alive and 30 years old... can cats live that long?

Jeff and I are very happy. We watch a little of pug puppies be born (3 black and one fawn). After we sit on our porch and snuggle and hold hands.

Strange strange dream. But 20 years from now I am going to look back on this and see if any of this came true!

Exciting day... ummm... not

Well we did take back the recycling, get another round of nystatin for the thrush that WILL NOT STAY AWAY (tried nystatin first, then Gentian violet, Bio-K, GSE...) it went away for a bit and now it's back (though I don't think we abolished it in the first place actually.) So despite asking the dr. for infant diflucan (apparently not reccommended for kids under 3) we got nystatin again. CROSS FINGERS it works. Course little man was hungry in the waiting room so I whipped out the boob. I think the guy sitting next to me was happy for that ;)

We shaved Frodo tonight. He had some massive mats on his back, haunches and under his arm pits. So he's nice and mat free now! He actually did very well. I am impressed :)

Phoenix is having his long nap of the day. He woke at 6 and ate for a bit and then fell back asleep. He actually slept a 6 hour stretch last night! I feel... still tired but less tired than before.

We had an *ok* day at my parents last night... some of the not so brilliant comments by my not so brilliant mother included...

*how am I supposed to bond if you won't let me feed him!
*I'm the important grandma and he better know that!
*I'll brainwash him while he's young
*I don't care what you say, at christmas he is having a lick of a candycane
*Phoenix your mommy is so selfish! She won't let me feed you a baba... poor baby
*Is he hungry.... AGAIN?
*Oh poor little guy... is your mama making you eat again?

(you get the point)

How I was EVER born from this woman I have no fucking idea *shakes head*

Well time to get kids ready for bed. Hurray!

Good day

Last night my WONDERFUL husband held the baby until 4am while I had a bath, read some of my book (Memoirs of a Geisha) and went to bed. At 4am he woke me up, told me the baby had been changed and he had a case of the bonks (meaning he needed to nurse). I nursed him and he went right back to sleep! He did wake up another 2 or 3 times until 9:30 but kept going right back to sleep!!!! Nice :)

We had a fairly nice visit with my grandma in her nursing home today. It appears though that her care aid that comes and takes her on outings and such might be pilfering her money :( She's had control of her bank card and all of a sudden her account is in arrears and her this months rent cheque BOUNCED! My mom is looking into it but I don't think this woman will be working for us for much longer. Sad state of affairs when someone that you are supposed to be able to trust takes an old woman who's had a stroke for a ride... :(

The girls had their 6 month dentist visit. Both girls have perfect teeth with no problems. Thank goodness they have jeff's teeth! They both let them do a full cleaning and check up with no fits. That was nice.

Afterwards we took them to the children's museum (we have a family membership) for a while so they could run off some energy. They always have the best time there. Of course I spent the entire time nursing Phoenix... we'er in public! I must be starving! lol :)

We came home and ate chicken fajita's for dinner. Then I napped in my chair with little man, jeff cleaned up the kitchen and then put the kids to bed!!! Have I mentioned that I love this man? Cause I really do :)

Library time!

We had a nice evening tonight :) Got out to the library and took out a bunch of kids books, some video's and some coffee table type books for me (looking at pictures is about all the time I have right now!) The girls were looking for the library snake (he was UNDER his paper) and we chatting about snakes and how they lose their skin.

Apparently a friend that I used to have was there but I didn't see her. Jeff did but didn't really notice that it was her until she had already looked away. Eh. What do you do. He DOES work at the library and it IS a PUBLIC library so we are entitled to be there after hours just as much as she is...

Kids are in bed and Jeff and Phoenix are watching Scary Movie 3. I... am not ;)

Visiting? Maybe :)

My sister and I are trying to find a way for Phoenix and I to fly down to Huntsville Alabama in late october. She moved there from Canada with her new husband and daughter in late December last year and I have not seen her since :( I really really want to go and they have offered to pay for half of my plane ticket but I just don't know if I can swing $400 :( Anyone with cash to spare reading my blog? Want to make a post partum woman really really happy! lol :)

Phoenix is sleeping like crap these days. He was up yesterday from 6:30 pm to 2:30 AM!!! Then he cried in my arms for about an hour while I sung to him and rocked him :( I think by that time he was just SO tired and SO overstimulated that he couldn't fall asleep... poor little guy :( Poor mommy... ;) Jeff is home tomorrow so at least I can sleep in a wee bit.

My parents got home last night so we'll spend the day with them on saturday. I think tomorrow that Phoenix and I will go with my mom to visit my grandmother in her nursing home. She does not really talk too much so it's better to have company while you are there.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish that we were going camping this weekend... sigh... We need to go out next weekend but it won't be the same without friends to hang around with.

Well it's 5:16pm and I'm still in my jammies (well actually they were fresh jammies from this morning) but that's okay :)

Oh and got both girls registered for ballet this fall. Maddy is in pre-primary and Olivia in Creative Movement. This will be Maddy's third year (she did a half year when she was three, full year at four and now this is the third) and Olivia is just beginning. They have to be three and it was a GREAT incentive for her to potty learn ;) I wish they offered hip hop for 5 year olds because maddy would love it! But alas, not till 8.

So money will be tight in september. Ballet for both, costume fee's for both, Pre-school for Olivia and Maddy needs new tights, skirt, leotard and shoes and Olivia needs new shoes. Jeff's mom offered to help with it so that is nice!

We are going to Sechelt to visit jeff's parents on October 18th. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF THIS TOWN! I feel stifled. I NEED to see the ocean... I NEED to see something other than pine beetle kill. I need!!!!!

Parenting...

I've been thinking a lot lately about parenting and how my style and method has evolved from the first child to the third. How different people have influenced me along the way and how my life has changed just by having these little people in it!



Madeline. My first child. Born in september of 2001. She was long awaited and none too eager to get here ;) After a failed induction, getting to 9.5 cm's and then an "emergency" c-section (my doc had a golf game) she was here :) Bright eyed and bushy tailed. We took her home and placed her in her beautiful crib in the middle of a fully decorated nursery. We looked around at all the items we were sure we would be using on a daily basis (stroller/carseat travel system, exersaucer, swing) and were content. We were content... until she started screaming. AND DIDN'T STOP for about 3-4 months. We learned very early on that OUR baby would have none of our detatchment parenting style and we had to learn how to let her tell us what she needed.

So Madeline spent a good deal of time in our bed, in the sling, on our laps... and previously mentioned baby gadgets went unused ;) Having switched to formula with her early on, I then relactated and worked for 5 months to get her back to the breast so she could have the goodness of mommy milk. I spent hours each day in bed with her skin to skin and bonding. I also spent hours each day just crying... why was she not happy? What were we doing wrong? Hours every night Jeff and I sat and sang to her to try to get her to sleep. Old king cole was a favourite ;) We were certain that she NEEDED to go to bed at 9pm and we'd start an elaborate bedtime routine at like 7... lol! We put so much time and energy into getting her to sleep that by the time she finally went down we were exhausted!

When Madeline was 11 months old I became pregnant again... cue...



Olivia! The second born anime sprite was born. After a failed home water birth turned c-section for a prolapsed cord she was here. The most lucid babe that ever was... she didn't cry until she was about 9 months old. Mellow was her middle name. Parenting a young Olivia was the easiest thing I had ever done. She nursed like a champ. Slept with us from day one (I had given away our crib as we had never used it) and was a slinging fool. She slept when she needed to, came to bed when I went to bed, nursed when ever she wanted... maybe that was why she was so mellow?

After a loss at 9 weeks and a long troublsome pregnancy we now have



Phoenix! He's a gentle mellowish little babe. We parent him exactly how we did Olivia. He is worth the trouble that we went through to get him here.

During the span of the last 5 years I have become a LLL leader, become a Mother Goose leader, took part with Olivia in Roots Of Empathy (the pilot project in PG), taught Attatchment parenting classes at our local woman's group and served on a board at our hospital to make it and the town more breastfeeding friendly.

I've nursed babes now for a cumlative 7 years (so far!).

Embraced all aspects of attatchment and natural parenting. We breastfeed, extended breastfeed, child led wean, co-sleep, gentle disipline, baby wear, cloth diaper, feed a diet of mostly natural foods, don't vaccinate, don't circumsize, use homeopathic medicine and are just in general trying to provide an environment for our kids to become the best kids that they can be!

Has it been easy? Nope. Jeff and I are fond of saying that we always do things the hard way... but really? If you put the effort in NOW with your kids it saves you time and hardship later on.

I'm curious to see how our kids turn out. I don't think they are perfect (far from it) but on the whole they are gentle, kind, polite children that most people say are fun to be around. I know that I like to be with them, seeing them grow and change. Every time that Madeline is kind and loving to her sister I want to cheer! Every time that Olivia uses her gentle words without resorting to whining I am very proud. Every day is an adventure and we are learning together. Just as I let them tell me how they had to be parented as babes... I am learning to let them tell me now what they need and how they need it.

I love being a mother to these three absolutely gorgeous children. They are my life... my soul... sure I get tired and cranky and want to chuck them out the window sometimes (I am only human!!!) but I would not trade my life for anything.

Well how much do I suck?

lol! Apparently no one reads my blog... oh well :)

Today was another scorching hot freaking day. I think it got to like +34 or something? Waaaaayyyy too hot. Rose called and invited us over for the day (they have two air conditioners and some fans going) and it was sooooooooo cool in their house. I could actually nurse Phoenix without him sticking to me with sweat! Sweet! Robyn and the kids were there too and we all had dinner together. It was very nice. Apparently they are all going camping next weekend (I don't think with each other though) and I am jealous! Jeff works on saturday so no go for us. I want to get out of town so bad :(

The girls were fairly well behaved today. Maddy sliced her hand open on a sewing needle and yells "I got blood!" "Look!!! Blood!!!" but was not crying or anything... I think she just thought it was cool ;)

Olivia announced today that she thinks Aslan (from Narnia) is cute and that when she grows up she is going to marry him. Ho boy. How do I explain this?

Maddy has decided that Phoenix needs a nick name... so it's either "Phoenix the weenix" or "Phoenix the penis" ummm. No.

I think Maddy is going through a growth spurt because she is hungry all the time! She's just recently put on some height so maybe it's weight time.

I'm sitting right in front of my window staring past my maple tree and looking down the river at the sunset... sigh :) Happy sigh :) I love my view. Now if only it was NOT SO FUCKING HOT!!!!!!! I live in northern BC. I am not cut out for this! -40 I can take... +34? Not so much so.

Hey!

You! ya you! You KNOW who you are... (lol... just kidding)

If anyone is reading this blog please drop me a line! I'd love to hear from you :)

Random cute kid picture :)

Is he not the cutest baby in the whole wide world? I keep telling myself this when he is SCREAMING in my ear at 2am ... ;)

I did figure out why he's been so sleepless and grouchy for the past 2-3 days... I got my FIRST POST PARTUM FUCKING PERIOD! I am sooooo pissed off. I practice ecological breastfeeding... no paci's, no supplements, nurse all night, co-sleep, baby wear and I still get it back! I at least had a reprieve with Olivia till 3 months... but at least it explains HIS problems as Olivia always went a bit nutso when I was pre-menstral and it appears that he does too. Fun. Not.

Family? Or not...

I am annoyed. I don't know if I should be but it's so fucking hot here it's probably fried my brain and make me less than logical.

My "other" mother and father who have basically raised me since I was 15 have always called me their daughter and our kids their grandchildren. Say that we are family and they care for my kids the same as their blood gchildren. So today I'm in the mall and nursing Phoenix while Jeff and the kids are wandering. I see Mike (one of their real kids) so we're chatting and he mentions that they are heading out to their parents (the "other" parents mentioned previously) for a big family dinner because some other family is in town. We're not invited cause it's "just for family... no offense."

Nice.

I am so proud!

Of Jeff and I... after talking and talking about it for AGES we FINALLY started a high interest savings account. He made the first transfer and I the second. If we ever want to make owning this house a reality we HAVE to get our shit in gear and start saving mongo amounts of cash. This is a start :)

2 am...

And Phoenix is FINALLY asleep and in bed. Thank the Goddess ;) Little man was up today from 11am to about 4:30pm. Then slept basically until 9:30pm (woke up twice to nurse) the ENTIRE time we were over at friends for dinner. Then was awake from then till now. So I guess he had one nap today? Be it a 5 hour one ;) He's changed drastically from the "sleep all the time" baby he was.

We had a great time tonight at Maggee and Richard's. A wonderful dinner and they loved on the kids the whole time. They are so good to them... and us! Maddy fell down about 10 minutes before we left though and bashed her knee up pretty good. She went to bed with an ice pack for it. Olivia started losing it around 8ish (her bedtime) and by the time we got home (9:30) she had a major meldown. Kicking, screaming... she NEVER does this! I finally yelled at her to CALM DOWN (makes sense huh? tell her to calm down when I'm losing it? Not so much so...) and she did... enough to get pj's on and brush her teeth. She was probably out within two minutes once her head hit the pillow.

I overheard jeff singing lullaby's to Phoenix when I was in the bathroom tonight. It makes my heart melt to see the way he is with him. He is such a good daddy.

Well I'm off to bed too. I got very little sleep last night (he was up till 1am, slept till 4 and then up until about 8am!) and none the night before. How am I still alive? Could it be that sleep deprivation is such a constant to me my body is actually used to it? lol!

Pictures!

Pictures at Photobucket!

enjoy :)

Dark Phoenix...

First of all... we don't think it's liver disease or a congenital liver problem.

The doctor thinks it is just extended breast milk jaundice and we'll keep watching his levels (another blood test in two weeks) and he thinks it will just keep dropping.

As for his iron and platelet count... NEVER NEVER NEVER trust the NURSE when she interprets the results. Sure his iron was very low and platelets very high... FOR AN ADULT! For a baby they are just fine... well within range.

So after lots of poking and prodding of the liver (not enlarged) checking his eye whites, soles of feet and palms of hands (all white) he suspects that jeff's mediteranian background and my native background have combined to product a very good looking darker skinned boy :) That the jaundice will come down and that everything will be fine.

Thank the Goddess and the God... *tears*

how morbid am I...

That I am sitting here crying my eyes out as if Phoenix has liver disease and has died already. I know that liver disease is one of the things that they will be trying to see if he has and I am already thinking that he has been handed a death warrant.

I can't imagine my life without this little person in it. He smiled at me today... for the very first time. I burst into tears.

I stroke his very soft skin as if I am trying to touch for a lifetime of touches that I will miss.

I smell his soft head and commit the scent to memory.

I study his every feature and take a photograph in my mind.

I hope... I hope... I hope...

that everything will be okay.

That it's nothing.

That they are overreacting.

That my little boy will be with me forever...

phone calls that you don't want to recieve...

we heard back about the jaundice...
and it's not great news...

apparently his bili level is 11 direct but 49 total. Anything over 20% of the total bili level indicates liver disease. His is about 22%

His iron is low and his platelets high. We see the dr tomorrow and probably see the specialist very soon after that.

Anyone have any advice? Been through this? I'm so scared not even knowing where this is heading or what damage has been done or is being done to my wee man.

I can't stop crying :( This is not fair.

Fussy... still

So I guess he's showing his true colours ;)

Phoenix LOVES comfort nurse. Loves it. One problem though... he hates HATES getting milk when he comfort nurses. This does not work for me as I have TONS of milk and could be feeding about 5 babies right now. So basically he grunts for the boob, I put him on, he's fine till he gets a let down, then he pulls... screams... cries... pulls off... latches on... repeat until I get irritated and take him off. Try this again in another 5 minutes. Sigh... I WILL NOT give in and give him a soother. He'll just have to deal ;)

He is sleeping currently and last night slept from 1:30am till 6:30am! Then after nursing he slept till 9am... he's still sleeping now :)

The girls are watching tv, I had potato salad for breakfast.

I'm having sex again (twice in one weekend) and deathly afraid of getting pregnant. I really wish they would call him in for his vasectomy!

I'm wondering if I'll hear today about Phoenix's blood test for jaundice and what the results are?

The house is mostly nice and tidy so I think I'll ignore it today ;) Thanks to my loverly husband.

Olivia might be going to preschool this fall. I registered her but there is a wait list and they'll call me and let me know. I'm totally grateful to Robyn as she's offered to pick Olivia up for me if she can get in to the same class that Jassy is in. Jeff can drop her off there though so that is good. I guess with Maddy in full day kindy two or three times a week and Liv in preschool I might have some time with just two kids instead of three. That would be... quiet. lol!

Annoyed at my "other" mother... I commented that if she wanted to take my kids (or even kid) camping that I would be all for that. I said that Robyn was feeling the same way (you know kinda joking around) and she said "well the boys come first" and commented that we all could take our kids camping any time that we wanted and that since the boys mom is single that she was unable to take them camping. What... fucking... bullshit. She enables that girl so much that it's not even fucking funny anymore. Grrr.

Hopefully the kidlets are well behaved today with minimal fighting. I can't handle the fighting.

Holy cranky...

big time.

I have no idea what Phoenix's problem is but wow is he cranky today. Feed me... no don't feed me. Pick me up... no not THAT way! Hold me... the other way! Feed me... NO DON'T FEED ME! ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! (that's him by the way... lol... screaming)

So finally I changed his butt yet again, stuck him in the sling and rocked back and forth till he passed out. He's now peacefully in the sling on my chest and sleeping. Let's cross fingers he's in a better mood when he wakes ;)

Baby showers and sleep!

Well Phoenix's baby shower was last night and we had a GREAT time! I think there was like 11 of us plus some babies so a good number to have :) There was a huge salad and sandwiches, punch and an adorable cake (with a bottle on it though... I joked that they should have put a big breast on it instead) lol!

My little man is now totally outfitted for the next six months ;) He got an insane amount of clothes and they were all so freaking adorable! My inlaws got him a stroller (okay the stroller is for Olivia when we take Maddy back and forth to school but just the same...) we got a Care Bear Mobile, a Franklin suitcase, big teddy bear, some toys, tons of baby toiletry stuff and a GORGEOUS Goddess hemp canvas bag from Robyn. Hands down my favourite gift :) It was awesome. Everyone got to baby love on Phoenix and due to all of the attention he was awake from 7pm to 12am!

Which meant... he slept AWESOME last night. From 12:15am to 4:45am... then back to sleep after nursing to 8:00am, nursed... then back to sleep till 10:30am! I need that. The night before I got two (yes two) hours of BROKEN sleep. I was tired.

Tonight is LLL. Carla's camping so I'm solo leading tonight. It will be pretty informal cause I can't move the library books yet so just a get together type of meeting. Robyn's going to give me a ride home in HER NEW VAN! Yep they got a van finally. They are very happy with it :)

Well off to change little man and nurse him up :)

So sleepy...

Little man has his days and nights completely backwards. Were this my first child I could nap all day with him and when he finally decided to join the rest of the world on normal standard time we'd be good to go.

Unfortunately I have two other monsters (I mean children) that need me to be awake and taking care of them during the day. That sucks ass.

So last night I nursed him at about 1:30 and then jeff sat in the rocking chair with him until he wanted to nurse at about 4am. I went to bed and slept from 2:30-4ish... Then him and I watch Babylon 5 till about 7am. Then slept until 7:45... nursed till 8:30... then slept till 10:45ish. So just over 4 hours of sleep. Yes I'm still standing.

I sure hope he gets his time worked out soon... lol!

According to our bathroom scale today he weighs around 12lbs. He is 5 weeks old and was 7lbs at his smallest. So 5lbs of weight gain in just under 5 weeks. I wonder how long he can keep this up for?

My nipples are better from the thrush but it's still rampant in him. I think the next line of defense is cut out the nystatin and just so GSE on us both. Hopefully that will kick it.

I bought some new clothes today. A brown tank top, two pairs of blousey capri's in orange and teal (they both match the brown tank) and a floor length brown broomstick skirt. I am an autumn colour person so it all looks great. Oh and some new panties cause the pregnancy underwear are usually ending up somewhere around my knees.

The girls are in bed and it's time to wake up Phoenix in the HOPES that he will have an alert time NOW and then sleep tonight... hey one can hope!!!

Attack of the purple nipples

or in other words... gentian violet strikes. And strikes hard.

Saturday I noticed my nipples were getting sore, Phoenix was pulling at the breast and clicking when he ate, he was getting gassy and then noticed the white patch on his tounge and the white spots on his gums. Yep. After nursing cumulatively for 7 years I finally got thrush. Goody.

So my nipples and Phoenix's mouth are a lovely shade of violet. lol. Poor little guy. I'm also using Miconazole after feedings and he's on Nystatin. Oh he's a BIG fan of that ... NOT! Oh and we're both taking pro-biotics. I REALLY want to be taking mega doses of garlic but I'm still on these damn blood thinners so that's a no no.

Thrush. Sigh.

Well I guess I can add it to my life experience that comes in handy as a League leader. I've counselled more mom's that I can count on thrush but never had it! It's those damn mega doses of antibiotics I was on for my uterine infection. Blerg.

depressed...

Through a friends blog I read about another woman who had a baby (and lost her baby just shortly after birth due to her not breathing) and I have been reading her blog. Her words affect me greatly... I can FEEL her emotions and just ache at how badly she is hurting right now. I don't know this woman, don't know anything about her other than what I have read on her blog and yet I feel such a connection to her. I guess because we were due around the same time.

But why? Why did my baby get to stay and her's had to go? WHY???? It kills me that this mama has empty aching arms and mine are full. Why Phoenix wakes me for the 10th time in the night I remind myself that this mama would give ANYTHING to be woken up by her babe.

I was listening to the song "baby mine" this morning and started to cry. I was rocking Phoenix to sleep and it hit me how incredibly lucky I am that he is here, that he is alive, that we are safe.

It's just now hitting me that we dodged the blood clotting "bullet"... just now. I spent so much of my pregnancy trying not to bond or hope that he would actually make it. I am so lucky.

...

I got the fucking sunburn from hell today. Yah stupid me didn't put on sunscreen. So sign me up for skin cancer.

fuck.

Sick husbands

Well just one husband.

I've sent him off to the er as I am pretty sure he has a raging kidney infection. His back is killing him, he's puking and shitting his guts out and can't keep anything (not even water) down. When I was rubbing his back as he puked I could feel that he left kidney was enlarged and seemed tender. I am REALLY REALLY hoping that is what it is... because if he has the flu and gives it to the rest of us I might have to kill him.

Phoenix is doing so well :) Last night he gave me a couple of three hour stretches and that was nice! They key is to nurse him for about three hours straight before bed ;) Tank him up for the long haul.

Speaking of which... little man has had enough of me typing ;)

I will survive...

lol!

The first day was very anti-climactic for me. The girls were fairly well behaved, Phoenix and I slept in a wee bit while the kids ate the cereal that my wonderful husband had poured for them :) He made them sandwiches for lunch and left them in the fridge so when the time came I just added some yoguart and fruit and we were good to go!

I actually even got dressed and ate food myself before noon... it's a red letter day!

Little man is sleeping the heat off today... I feel sorry for wee people that can't get cool. He's just in a romper but he still looks warmish. We're heading out for a bit and the air conditioned drive in the van will be nice.

I asked Olivia if she is ready to wean (her "cousin" and best friend just did at 39 months!) her response... "ummm... no." LOL! Maybe some day ... when she's about 20.

It's my other mother's birthday on wednesday so we're all heading over tomorrow night with cake, ice cream and pressies. I'm off tonight to buy her an angel garden statue... she's into angels.

It's still around +30 outside. It's TOO DAMN HOT!

Nursing a wee babe when it's this hot is hot and sticky business. We generate gallons of sweat between the two of us. Very sexy. Not.

Hot...

Waaaayyyy to fucking hot. And it's supposed to get to a high of 32 fucking degrees tomorrow!!! Hot. Too hot. I think the kidlets and I are going to hibernate downstairs all day tomorrow and try to get coolish...

Jeff has his first day back at work tomorrow. *sob*

Wish me luck.

Party prep and sore boobies!

I think that because this infection is finally going away my milk supply has come back up. Because right now I am engorged to the point where it's not even funny and my little man is passed right out... lol! Figures!

Jeff and the kids are busy setting up the back yard. We've got the sandbox, slide, basketball net, badminton set, lawn bowling, skipping ropes, kits.... I think there should be enough for them to do.

Phoenix was up about 4 times last night... yawn...

Not much left to do! Take the food outside, get dressed... bout it actually.

Now let's hope the rain stays away!!!

Storms...

Holy crap we got caught in the mother of all freaking storms today! We were at the water park with Robyn and the kids and we could see storm clouds coming... and coming... and then WHOOSH! Massive winds that were blowing branches off of tree's and almost blowing our little people away! The kids were freaked and crying, the adults were shocked and trying to get the kids dry. Within minutes the park was completely emptied. It was the worst storm I've ever been caught in. We had a good laugh about it after though ;)

Olivia loved her birthday pressies :) After we decided to take our picnic indoors to Robyn's basement we got some take out for dinner, rented Chicken Little and Hoodwinked (jeff and the kids are watching it as we speak) to round out the night. I think the kids had a good time today.

Tomorrow it's house cleaning and getting ready for Liv's party. My friend Jean is making the cake (a pony cake?) and I can't wait to see it!

It just amazes me how much I love our new little man :) My other mother asked me when I was ever going to put him down... I told her that it took me this long to get a happy and healthy baby and I don't INTEND to put him down. He's such a wee cute little guy. Sigh... I'd have 12 more but the body is just not cut out for this any more.

bleeding... babies... birthdays... ballet... food...

It's been a couple of days... lol.

The bleeding stopped, then started (with another er trip) then stopped, then an u/s to rule out leftover manky bits (which none were found) then started again. Blerg. The bleeding is about a medium period right now so not too bad. I talked to my ob this afternoon and she is confident that it's just normal post partum bleeding and that it should resolve with the course of antibiotics that i am on... lets hope!

Phoenix is doing well!!! He sleeps most of the time so far so when he "wakes up" to the world we're really going to be in trouble. He's getting the hang of latching without it taking 40 tries... that's nice! He's pooping tons, peeing like a freaking race horse too and his jaundice is starting to clear up. He's also up to 7 lbs 14 oz today from 7lbs 5 oz 9 days ago :) His thighs are actually starting to get a bit chubby!!!

Olivia turns 3 tomorrow! We're having a birthday party for her on sunday but tomorrow we're going to head to the waterpark with friends around 2ish for a picnic and playtime. We got her a little tykes basketball net thing (for ages 3 and up), two pairs of pj's, treasure chest full of craft supplies, Kumon tracing book and Maddy got her a ballet barbie. We just have to pick up the pool and we're done. Oh and she got her ears pierced!!! Too cute :) Little blue titanium studs.

Maddy's hard at work still for the ballet recital. Grandma rose is putting together her pink rainbow fish costume :) We're going to see the production as a family on the friday night and then daddy will go see on saturday. I have a mother goose picnic to go to with Livvy and Phoenix. She keeps showing us her moves though and they are uber cute.

Robyn made us dinner tonight and got Mike to drop it off before work. It was SO FREAKING GOOD!!!!! A chicken, brocolli and pasta dish, a loaf of warm grain bread and chocolate muffins. Heaven! Jeff wants me to get her recipe for the bread as he nearly went to heaven when he tasted it :) Robyn is way to good to me. I love her to bits.

Speaking of which... Gray (her son) looks huge to me now! Before Phoenix was born he looked so tiny... and now he looks ginormous. So does Olivia for that matter too. It's all a matter of perspective.

Well I need to shower while daddy and Phoenix are watching "puppets who kill" ... yah... good baby tv. lol.

sigh...

Can this be done yet? Seriously?

I'd been happy over the fact that my vaginal bleeding was so minimal and was looking like it might subside very soon! So we're heading out yesterday afternoon to pick up Olivia's birthday pressies when I step over the threshhold of the house, feel a pop, feel two objects slide out between my legs and then proceed to hemmorage all over the driveway. I was soaked with blood to my knee's within seconds. I yelled to jeff to call 911, he led me over to the grass and got me laying down, got a blanket for me and sat with me.

The ambulance was here within minutes. They assesed me in the driveway and then took me to the er with sirens blazing. I was taken into a room almost immediately where they started ANOTHER FUCKING IV (like I have not had enough of needles) did some blood work (again with the needles) and hooked me up to every machine known to man. At one point my blood pressure crashed but it came back up... I guess I was in shock?

By the time they did the exam the bleeding had really slowed down. They figure that I probably have a uterine infection. The concerning thing now is that on my right side I have a fist sized hard lump right around where my uterus is I think... they didn't check that out yesterday so I am going in to see my dr at 2pm today and we'll figure out what is going on.

I'm scared.

I'm scared it's going to happen again.

I'm scared I'll bleed out in the middle of the night.

I'm just... scared...

You know.. childbirth just SHOULD NOT BE LIKE THIS. I know this is what had to happen... I know. But it just sucks.

Jeff has an appointment with our family dr for 1:15 today to discuss his vasectomy. I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT go through another pregnancy. I just can't do it. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to jeff and it's not fair to our kids.

Sigh... scared.

Birth Story of Phoenix Jeffrey Blade

Well I got up at 6am Friday June 2, 2006 after a very restless sleep. Did the required shower and teeth brushing, got dressed and headed to the hospital. We met my mother and my other mother (basically raised me since I was a teenager) there and got up to my room. To my surprise and HUGE delight I was granted a private room (this is a truly lucky thing as the hospital right now only has TWO private rooms and there were four c-sections scheduled for Friday!) When I asked why I got so lucky… I got a wink and the nurse said that the night nurses the day before were big fans of mine (I am a LLL leader and had been coming two times weekly for non stress tests) Hey… whatever pull I have I am happy to use it!

I was supposed to be having my surgery at 9:30 but I got bumped for an emergency section. I finally got in the OR at about 10:45 but then they couldn’t get the spinal in! 12 (yes 12) tried later… and two doctors later… they finally got it in. The surgery started and I was comfortable. My hubby was holding my hand and my team of surgeons were awesome. All women. All the most empathetic people who kept me updated and only focused on me… and not their golf games as had previous dr’s while doing my other c-sections… nice huh?

Finally at 11:42 wee baby Phoenix came into the world! He cried instantly and per my instructions they didn’t deep suction him. He was looked over quickly and then Jeff brought him to me. He stopped crying the second he heard my voice He had a ton of vernix, long fingernails and he has sparse medium brown hair. Eventually Jeff and the nurse took him upstairs where they weighed him. No vitamin K shot and no eye ointment. Daddy rubbed in as much of his vernix as he could. He weighed in at 7 lbs 7 oz. A full pound lighter than Maddy and almost two pounds lighter than Olivia! He is 20.25 inches long. He is beautiful. Daddy calls him his “little dude” and I’ve taken to calling him my “wee man.” Lol!

They recovered me in post op and I FINALLY got to go up and see him a full 2.5 hours AFTER he was born. That’s a sore spot for me. Though Jeff held him the ENTIRE time and didn’t let anyone else hold him until I got to. He rocks. He insisted that I be the second one and I was.

He had no interest in nursing until about 10 that night. He’d lick the breast, nuzzle it, kiss it… and open his mouth just a teeeeeny bit. He finally took his first meal and made it a good ½ hour one. He was very sleepy (and still is) but after about 24 hours he was nursing pretty well and he is having more alert periods. He’s nursing often, lots of wet diapers, poopy ones are starting to come more frequently. My milk came in Sunday morning about about 6 am. So about 42 hours after surgery. It’s still coming in and engorgement is manageable at this point but I know it’s going to get far worse My FF boobs are increasing in size by the hour! My husband (and baby!) are in heaven!

He’s sleeping well when he’s not nursing and I am getting an amazing amount of sleep for having a little person in the house. We wake, nurse and both fall back asleep. He’s been out of my arms very little and in fact he’s napping in the fleece pouch as we speak.

My incision is looking good and feeling ok. I’m taking my pain meds religiously as I was trying to play the martyr yesterday and just take enough to get by… yah not so good of an idea. As long as my pain is controlled I am able to get around well enough.

So that’s it… we got home after 49 hours (I whined and got sprung early) and we’re adjusting to being a family of 5. The girls are IN LOVE with him and Maddy especially wants to be with him all the time. Olivia could really care less as long as her needs are met. Our first morning together as a family this morning, both girls climbed into bed with Jeff, Phoenix and I and we snuggled and cuddled for about a ½ hour. They know they are loved. Sigh… I am just so happy he’s here and he’s okay and I’m okay and I’m so in love with my wee man.

Jeff’s going to post some pics to our website tonight and I’ll pop in later with the url for you all.

I'm outta here!

I need to be at the hospital by 7:30 for admitting and then the c-section is at 9:30!!!

Oh and according to Olivia (the three year old)... it's not a boy hippie.

It's a frog. A girl frog. A girl frog that's name is Colostrum... lol!!!

Please think happy thoughts for me and pray to whatever deity that you choose that things go smoothly. I'm scared :(

ONE DAY!!!

ONE DAY! Holy shit!

At this time tomorrow I'll be holding my newest little person.
One day.

I'm freaking out here! I've NEVER known when my babies were going to come and it's very wierd to know that. I worry that he/she is not ready, I worry that I am not ready... I worry. I worry because I know all the stats about c-sections and having had two I worry because I know I hate them.

I am so paranoid these past few days about baby moving... It's like I am so close and just even more worried that something could take this joy away.

The girls are estatic. We went out last night and bought Maddy her summer clothes (a whole 4 pairs of shorts and two shirts....) she has plenty of short sleeved shirts, dresses and skorts but only two pairs of shorts. She helped me pick the stuff out and it's really cute. Oh and Olivia got her "biderman" (spiderman) jammies. She's over the moon.

They are at my mom's for the day so jeff and I can get last minute stuff done here at home. We have laundry to do, beds to change, windows to paint... lol.

My grandma is coming over for dinner and then spending the night with us so she can look after the kids in the morning and early afternoon tomorrow. It should be fun.

One day.

Holy shit.

Heading to the freakin frackin dentist...

blerg.

Went to bed last night and within 1/2 an hour developed the WORST freakin tooth ache!!! In a tooth I have never had issues with to boot!!!

So I spent the night crying my eyes out. Arnica did not touch it. Rescue remedy nada. I even resorted to extra strength Tylenol and NOTHING!!! I've had ice packs on my face for the last 13 hours and I'm still in the same amount of pain.

What a time for this to happen. 3 days before my surgery.

So I called both my dentist and ob and she gave the ok for anti-biotics. I'd rather not have dental surgery right now right before a c-section.

4 more days!!!!

Until the baby comes :) EEEEEEKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! Is it possible to be totally stoked and yet completely scared at the same time? I've never gone into a delivery KNOWING that I'll have a c-section. The thought of just laying there waiting to be sliced and diced is a little unerving...

My birthday was yesterday. I had a great time :) Jeff and the girls bought me a in bed co-sleeper for the babe, a new book and some new lotion. The rest of the family pampered me with gift cards and such and Robyn got me two awesome gift packs with stuff to pamper me and the new babe! So of course I spent most of last night sniffing various lotions and potions and trying them all out ;) The best was an awsome magnet for my fridge about friendship. It made me cry. I am such a sap.

Before dinner yesterday I was in the hospital. Apparently the superficial layers of my scar from MADELINE have separated and now I have a small hernia along my scar line. Nice... very painful but not dangerous they tell me. Just don't take castor oil ;) Then jeff took me to dinner where I had a huge King crab leg platter. I think I'm STILL full!

Well everything is ready for the baby... my bag, his bag, the kids bag. The bouncy seat is washed, the sheet for the co-sleeper, my sling is washed... I need to spot wash the sheep skin today though. Oh and get jeff to put the infant seat back in the car...

Well since I'm actually up before the girls are I shall get some breakfast. The mini beast demands to be fed :)

Can I cry?

Cause I sure as hell want to.

I've been in bed since 12:30. Lights out since 1:45 ish... it's now almost 5 and I have not slept for more than a half hour at a stretch. I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like my freaking brain just cannot shut down and it's PISSING me off! I am so TIRED! I want to sleep for like five hours... or two hours... just a decent stretch so I don't feel like such a zombie. *sob*

Tuesday thoughts

Well only 10 more days (or less!) until baby day :) I called my grandma and got things set up for her to come and spend the night on the first so she can be here when we leave friday morning. I think we have to be at the hospital at like 6am and I don't want to wake the kids that early. Then she'll stay with the girls until I'm settled in bed with babe, jeff will come home and pick kids up and then they'll all head to hospital (with my grandma too.) Then the girls go to spend the weekend with my other mother (Rose) I think they are looking more forward to that than the actual baby thing!!!!

I'm a bit worried about Livy... she's only spent one night away from me in her life and she didn't do so well... I hope she'll be okay.

I need to make a list of the girls stuff they'll need for that weekend and figure out if maddy has ballet rehersal that saturday.

We had a busy freaking weekend. It's nice to relax today. Though I do love it when we're busy cause the time goes by so fast! Yesterday Liv and I went to Robyn's for the afternoon and the kids were STELLAR! They played, we actually got to finish sentances... lol! I love spending time with Robyn. I can just be myself you know? And not worry about offending her with anything I say cause most likely she thinks the same way!

After Robyn's we all went to Rose and Al's for dinner for their grandsons birthday. It was a great dinner... the kids were a bit cranky though. All of the kids had had busy weekends.

Tonight is mother goose night. I wonder if Stacey has had her baby yet???

Still pregnant...

Still here... still pregnant

I went in for my 36 weeks 2 day appointment today and my very normally low blood pressure (usually about 105/65 ish) was 148/88! I've been having tons of foot/hand/face swelling so of course we're thinking pre-e... well I had a bunch of blood work done and it all came back GREAT! So why the high pressure? Who knows I'm just glad it's not pre-e!

I signed my papers of consent for the c-section if this baby has not come on his own by june 2... that bummed me out.

She checked me (by my request) and I'm soft, 50% effaced and 2cm's. More evening primrose oil for me!

Ho hum...

Baby come... please... nowish would be good... lol.

finally decided on dinner tonight. Tuna melts for jeff and I and mini pizza's on whole wheat bread for the girls. Some dye free mac and cheese on the side and we're good to go! Jeff's working a night shift tonight so he's home for dinner and then not home again till like 9:30. I'm aiming to have the kids in bed by 8 and then I can have some alllll alone time.

We really need to shave Frodo's ass. He gets all manky and smelly and I just don't want a stinky cat around! Maybe tonight we'll finally get around to that?

I packed my bag for the hospital...
3 pairs old undies
4 pairs socks
toiletries
gum
mints
birth plan
jammies... one pair have to put in another
coming home outfit (will wear that in)

I need some new slippers and then I'm done. The baby's bag is all packed. We're taking cloth diapers to the hospital so we can cd from the very beginning. Takes up a lot of room though! I've also got to patch my old nursing pillow to take. I don't care if it gets messy for the first couple of days... it'll be good enough. Only 15 days or less!!!!

AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGG

Picture me screaming this at the top of my lungs... this is how I feel RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Now also picture me PULLING OUT MY FUCKING HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAARRRRGGGGG!

Deep breath...

Apparently my kids are incompatible with outside life. If it MOVES it must be an enemy and shrieking at the tops of their lungs must ensue... we're talking an ant... or a teeny fly. I'm serious...

So they are outside in the sandbox, jeff and I are wrestling the infant seat and trying to get it in tight enough in the van... both girls start SCREAMING "DADDY DADDY DADDY DADDY DADDY!!!!!!!!!!" at the tops of their ever lovin lungs... why you ask? Surely someone was trying to rape them, or there was a rabid wolf in the back yard... oh no...

why? why? WHY? The gate closed.

Yep. The... gate... closed...

Oh the fucking horror.

I won't even get into how just frusterated mommy turned into pyscho mommy at that. We'll just say that since they are incompatible with the outdoors, they are now both firmly swaddled in their beds and it's nap time. For about the next three years...

I feel like I am about as far away from a gentle discipline mommy as I can get.

did I mention aaaarrrrrrgggggg?

sleep? what's that?

With all the shit that's been going down at this message board I didn't get any sleep last night. I worried about what happens if she decides to get nasty with me again, what if she goes ahead with the "this person makes me unsafe" and gets me banned... she's got enough people that she's friends with on there (including admin's) to do that very easily. And I don't wanna leave :( I love the women on there :( I'm so fucking freaked about this baby and having him that I need that support. I think the damage is probably already done though... everyone knows she's talking about me ( all in the name of "therapy" )

So I finally fall into a semi decent sleep at around 6 am and the next next door neighbors start JACKHAMMERING at 8am. Rise and shine porcupine! Sleep? Who needs that!!! Fucking idiots.

Oh and useless contractor is STILL NOT FINISHED OUR FUCKING WINDOWS!!!! He (or the window guys) made a mistake on the kitchen one so we have to wait for a new one. He still has not come back to caulk Maddy's or our window's... he still needs to fix the sophiting on the side and the chipped wall in the bathroom. Did I mention that he thinks it's okay to hang window's with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and he head half in the house? Yah. Nice.

The kids are stil sleeping thank goodness. I need to get out of this funk for their sake...

Should I stay or should I go...

Well I think my ex friend is officially back at the group we both used to post at. I can ignore her posts and go on there gleefully but now she is dredging up past issues on there that we have had... :( I really don't need this shit right now... really... don't. I've never done ANYTHING to anyone on there other than the shit that went down with her and even then I was not rude or mean... I just wrote my feelings in defense at what she said about me.

I'm just in defense mode ya know? I don't want to be hurt.

I don't want to read mean things about me and how horrid of a person I was because I ditched her.

I don't want everyone looking at me like "oh YOU'RE the one who hurt her"

I had my reasons... I'm not justifying myself again.

Why now? 18 days... now I have to fucking worry about this.

I need a hug.

u/s update!

Baby is doing very well.

I am 35 weeks 5 days today.

Head measured at 36 weeks 2 days.
Tummy measured at 38 weeks 6 days.
Legs measured at 39 weeks 2 days!

Baby is very head down. Good fluid. Things look well.

Oh and he's already an estimated 7 lbs 2 oz!!! And an estimated fetal age of 37 weeks 4 days :)

I'm in hell...

Useless contractor is here.

Useless contractor listens to horrid horrid country music.

Save me.

Such a good time :)

So Mandy and I went to Kelly o Brians for dinner last night. I started off with a salad, then had the most AMAZING chicken breast smothered in cream cheese, shrimp and crab meat. It was the BEST chicken I have EVER tasted. OMG... heaven. Then we had "death by chocolate" for dessert... I brought half home for jeff :)

We gabbed nonstop for 2.5 hours ;) We never run out of things to say! I really really wish that Robyn and I could get out sans children once in a while... oh well. Maybe in another two years or so? lol!

Useless contractor should be here today... well he SHOULD have been here 20 minutes ago. Useless. Sigh. I think he SHOULD be spending the entire day and getting at least two or three windows done. But no... he'll probably be back tomorrow on Mother's Day so I'll have to get up early .. sigh...

Maddy has ballet at noon and hopefully she'll be getting her costume today! I need to get the fins and stuff sewed on before this baby comes... speaking of which...

he PUNCHED me in the cervix last night. Holy fucking hell that hurt!!!!!!! This babe is going to be a handful ;)

Heading out :)

A old friend of mine and I are going out to dinner tonight. I can't wait. My kids are driving me kinda batty (they are not being horrid, they are being kids. It's enough apparently... lol) We're only going out for a couple of hours but I still feel bad leaving Jeff to deal with them for the second night in a row (last night was LLL).

Had my non stress test today and the baby did great :) Contractions showing up every 6-7 minutes but not strong. Just annoying enough to be a bit painful. Doing my evening primrose oil and tonight will start vaginally inserting it. Fun fun fun!!! I'm hoping it softens and effaces me enough so we can do a "stretch and sweep" when the time comes. Our next u/s is on monday... will it still be a boy?

Go away... STAY AWAY!

Woman don't tease me like that!

An ex friend (that i ditched ... for various reasons that I won't re get into) has reentered an online community that we both used to post at. She left in a huff saying she was not "feeling safe" (though she was the one who repeatedly harrassed me in emails) and I was really really REALLY hoping that just this ONE time she would actually do what she said and stay away...

I should have known it was too much to ask. Well I did know. She's kinda famous for pulling this shit.

She's actually written me a couple of emails saying she wishes me well and blah blah but I just refuse to go there with her. She really showed her true colours when she got very nasty with me and accused me of many things that I never said or did.

Oh well. I guess that's why the "ignore" feature was developed ;)

The cutest kids EVER!

I've got music going on the puter and jeff just went back to work. We're listening to Cinderella and of course Maddy has to get her princess dress on and she's being... well Cinderella. Olivia decides she is going to be "rosapurr" rosapurr would be "Lucifer" the cat.... you have to hear it to understand exactly how fucking cute it sounds.

Well aforementioned useless contractor didn't show up today as he is "cough cough" sick. Whatever. Useless. Did I mention that?

Today is our first do nothing day in weeks. It's soooooo nice. I layed in bed until noon listening to the kids play and making sure they were not killing each other or themselves. We're all still in our jammies and I'm thinking that's the way it will stay. I do want to get outside but I think after dinner tonight maybe we'll head to the park. What should I make for dinner??? I've got hours to think about it.

I want to call Robyn and see if they got a van but I don't want to depress her if they didn't. lol.

Absolutely fucking useless...

That would be our contractor. I should have known when it took him THREE FUCKING WEEKS to coordinate a time and then install a simple fucking bathroom fan. Okay scrap that... I DID know but by that time he had already ordered the windows and spent the money so he's gotta do the window's too.

The window's have taken well over a month to get here. Then one got broken... so we're still waiting on that one. He comes over today at 11... he just left. He was supposed to do either two or three window's today. He did... NONE. Not ONE FUCKING WINDOW!!!!! Oh so now it's more complicated than he thought and he has to get new wood and blah blah blah. Is he a fucking idiot? Do people actually reccommend him? Like really. So now instead of two days of getting up early... this is probably going to drag on for weeks. Yah I really need this on the verge of having a fucking baby.

Geez I'm in a shitty mood today.

baby? prodromal labour?

bleh. I just don't even know.

Saturday I went for a non-stress test (hereafter known as nst) and the baby was good. A couple of decels down to 90 when he was FLIPPING but other than that... good. Saturday night around 8 I started having contrax. These took me by suprise! So 8 hours of steady 1 minute long, every 5 minutes, have to breathe through them contractions later, they stopped. Spaced out to about every 10-12 minutes and there they stayed. Sunday ... monday ...

I had my ob appointment yesterday and with my horrid back pain, mucus losing, steady contracting... she sent me for another nst just to check on baby. He was fine but I was having contractions still so they checked my cervix. No change so we got to come home (yayyy!)

I just want this baby to stay in for at least another two weeks. Course I'll be in pain that whole time but eh... it's my last babe. I can take a bit of pain.

Last night we went to my other parents for dinner and cake/ice cream. It was Al's 37th birthday. The first time everyone has been together in like months! We're all fairly healthy now so hopefully that can happen more often :)

I called Robyn this morning to let her know that I was not having a baby yet (lol) and she was sleeping! Yayyyy!!!! Apparently Mike let her sleep in :) That makes me happy. I hope he finally is getting that she NEEDS some time to sleep and just be herself. Sleeping in makes for a way better mama.

Speaking of which... there was none of that for me today. We're finally getting the new window's installed and the guy was supposed to be here at 10... so he finally gets here about 11 and now the banging and stuff the ensues is not very napping friendly.

Mother Goose tonight... yawwwwnnn... I'm going to be wiped by then! I'm in charge of snack tonight. I'm thinking strawberries, grapes, popcorn, cheese and crackers.

34 weeks 2 days

:)

I am so ready for this baby to be here! I know baby is not ready... but I am ready. My mother (in her infinite wisdom) phoned me this morning to tell me to take some castor oil today. Ummmm... NO! Little too early there mom! Apparently her and my dad are going back to work sometime in the next couple of weeks and so I guess she's missing the birth of our babe. Oh well. Now to find someone to watch the kids for me!!!

I am having second thoughts on the gender. I know they said it's a boy. I know we saw a "penis" but did we? Hmmm... if it's a girl she's wearing an awful lot of blue cause I got rid of all my baby girl clothes ;)

We're off in a bit to go to Robyn's for the afternoon. At least we can sit, talk and let the kids play. They usually require minimal supervision from us and that works for me. The three play very nicely together. Tomorrow we'll head to the park with Heather and her little person for the afternoon. Maddy has ballet at 12 and I have my non stress test then too. Hopefully our little person is non stressed.

Tonight we're going to see my other parents ;) We're all finally healthy so the kids FINALLY get to see them! I think it's been like 6 weeks or something?

Just tired...

I'm just tired. That's it. Tired. I want to lay in bed and sleep for the next month until the baby gets here (well one month minus two days... lol!) Maddy let me sleep in until 10:30 today and it still was not long enough!

Yesterday was a good day. Robyn (my best friend) and her kiddo's came over for the afternoon. We spent most of it in the backyard telling the kids to "go play!" We came in for a snack and a nap (Gray... her son) and I got to show her my newborn/small diaper stash :) I can't wait to use them on a baby!!! They went home around 6ish and Jeff bbq'ed turkey burgers for dinner.

Today the weather is supposed to be sunny and around +22. We're definately spending the afternoon outside. Maybe I'll work on exposing my bright white legs to the sun?

I'm hungry too. I should eat. It just seems like too much work ;)

Guilt... and other things

We have these friends... we used to be SUPER close to them and hung out like every single day for over a year. Then we moved to our house in May 2004, they had adopted in january of 2004 and all of a sudden they had no time for us. I mean no time. We kept inviting them to do things... they always begged off. They always were too tired, too sick, too busy. Eventually we got frusterated and just stopped asking them to do things. We see them on kids birthdays, Christmas... ummm... the very odd time when Jeff pops over to their house and they actually let him past the front door. I know they really are busy, she works nights, he's getting a business running, but COME ON! They honestly could make some time for us.

But... the woman of the couple is Wiccan. I know she would have enjoyed the ritual yesterday. I know her kid would have had a great time. I know Jeff would have loved spending time with his best friend. And yet I didn't invite them. Why? I guess I just got tired of being turned down and put off. I didn't want to be turned down once again. I want to spend time with people who actually WANT to spend time with me. Because they want to, not because they have to. Ahhh... guilt. Gotta love it.

On a happier note... I LOVE my best friends little guy. Just love him. I am his goddess mother (lol!) and he's about 8 months old and the cutest, sweetest little man in the world! He loves to snuggle. We were playing a game where I whisper sweet nothings in his ear and he just lays his head against me... ahhhh... heaven in a baby package. His big sister and Olivia are bestest friends too and that makes it very cool. Maddy really needs a best friend. I guess come kindergarten that will happen. I can't wait until her ballet end of the year recital. They are doing Peter Pan and she is being a pink rainbow fish (?) I don't remember any fish in Peter Pan ... lol! I guess they need something for the littlest ones to do.

I got another email from a former friend the other day. I almost didn't see it as Jeff had set up a filter for me in my email so her stuff goes directly there. She was very aggressive towards me when I was cutting off our friendship and I didn't need that shit. The email she sent was very nice and thoughtful but I just can't GO there again you know? I'm unsure whether to write her back or not...

Well jeff is out at aforementioned best friends... cutting some wood to make a stand for our center console we bought for the van like two months ago ;) I'm on my own... kidlets have been in bed for a couple hours now and that is niiiiiicccceeee...

Beltaine

It was good! I think a fantastic time was held by all. No major meltdowns by any kids and no blood to be seen anywhere ;) Almost all the food was eaten and laughter was the order of the day. I think it was a success :)

The ritual *itself* could have been more... organized I guess. You know like figuring out the directions ahead of time ;) Letting Jeff (the Green king) and I (the flower queen) know where we should be standing etc. But really, considering the fact that there were children running around everywhere it was good :) C and J made flower crowns for all the kidlets and green leaf crowns for most of the guys. My kids are in LOVE with theirs :)

Everyone left by about 8:30 and we just sat by the fire for a bit. Then we all (including Maddy and Liv) cleaned up the back yard. I went in and got the kids ready for bed while jeff brought in the leftover food. They went to bed easily but a good night was not had... Olivia was sleep walking around midnight and ran into a wall. Then Maddy woke up with a nightmare at around 3:45 am. However they ALL SLEPT until 11am!!!!! Jeff got up with the kids and I was in bed till almost noon! I was freaking exhausted. Exhausted to the point that my legs were twitching and I had a hard time falling asleep. It was good though :)

Heather came bearing gifts :) She brought me the most adorable premie side snap fitted dipe that she made for me. It's so cute and soft and tiny! I love it. She also gave me a bar of breastmilk lavendar soap that was made from her baby Jericho's (that died shortly after birth) breast milk. I think it will be lovely for our new little person.

Well Maddy and Daddy are out paying rent. Olivia is eating yoguart, oatmeal muffin and blackberries while watching Max and Ruby. I'm still in my housecoat ;)